Friday, April 30, 2010

Birthday!







randomness

So my birthday was last saturday...pics to come soon! The big 25! Unfortunatly saturday afternoon I spiked a 102 temp and had to start antibiotics. Fortunatly Friday was actually the day we celebrated.

I got lots of great stuff and a lot of butterfly themed stuff. I <3 butterflies!

Great Strides is 2 weeks from saturday! Registration starts at 9AM, walk begins at 10. Lots of fun and food! Come walk with team Bekah Boo! Its at the old air force base in myrtle beach. Come show your support for me and all of those who live with CF

As for the rest of life....I had another melt down wednesday and we had to up the Seroquel to 100mg and add Klonopin. I've always had bad anxiety issues and lately have also been dealing with panic attacks. Hopefully the Klonopin will only be until the seroquel dose kicks in. But I have a feeling something else will have to be done for the anxiety besides seroquel. I was still have panic attacks on Seroquel. Anyway I go back monday to the doc and we will reevaluate. Just aiming for best quality of life and the most depression and anxiety free life possible.

Friday, April 16, 2010

random

Dear Brain,
We've had almost 25 years together and for most of those you have betrayed me. You and your serotonin and dopamine and other chemicals. I know its not that you hated me, you just couldn't help it. Well now I got you the help you needed and you have medicine to help take burden off. I ask that you behave for atleast a little while and let the seroquel and prozac do their work. So brain please please behave. I love you and the work you do for me, you keep me a live,make me brilliant. Now I am just asking you to let those meds do their job so we can add keeping me happy to your job description. And brain...sometimes just sometimes can you quit thinking...its a curse being smart I know and sometimes I just want to be dumb

Well thanks old buddy

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

things I've learned

So its been a really good week. So far Seroquel has been a miracle drug for me...so much so that keeping me on it long term is being considered. I'm sleeping at night, wanting to do stuff during the day, smiling and laughing. So maybe just maybe Prozac and Seroquel will be the combo that does it for me. It does feel great to be sleeping at night and NOT sleeping all day

I've been fighting the depression/anxiety battle almost as long as I've -been fighting cystic fibrosis. Heres a few tidbits I've learned...........

1. There is no shame in needing anti-depressants. It seems that a lot of people see it as something to be ashamed of. I'm no more ashamed of needing prozac and seroquel than I am of needing metformin for insulin issues or ventolin for my lungs. There should be no stigma attached..unfortunatly there is but there shouldn't be. This seems to be even more of a problems among Christians

2. There is someone out there who can help you! I've seen numerous doctors. I felt like lots of them either didn't want to help or didn't know how. It may have taken a long time but I now have a doctor who wants to help, is willing to work with me and won't stop until she finds something that will help. Thats a good feeling. Believe me I've been down the road of feeling like I would never find anyone who could or wanted to help. I've seen doctors who have left me in tears because they were so insensitive. But trust me..there is someone out there who can and will help you! I am living proof of that one

3. There is no shame in admitting you need help

4. Its much better to be open about your struggles. Secrecy breeds shame. I have nothing to be ashamed about and the more open I am...the more that it enforces that. And in our openess maybe just maybe we will impact someone else

5. God is there. Even when it doesn't feel like He is! Feelings lie. Its hard to believe and see when you are in such a bad state but hold on to it even if you don't 100% believe it. And you will believe it when you keep telling yourself that and keep holding on to it

6. Never do anything major when depressed or irrational. Never make big purchase decisions, never decide to dye your hair a funky color, never make any life changing decisions

7. take your medicine. take it faithfully and don't quit just because you feel better

Monday, April 12, 2010

Its been a long week

Okay so the great prozac switch started last tuesday. Things seemed okay wednesday and thurssday and then all hell(excuse my language) broke loose on friday. I needed something that would work fast and would stabilize me fast so I was started on Seroquel. Seroquel is an anti-pyschotic used in bipolar (which I don't have) and is also used in treatment resistant depression (which I might possibly have) and severe depression (which I do have). So I went back in today and things are good. I was given a month of seroquel and we will reevaluate then.

Hopefully I will eventually be able to come off of it...seroquel is pretty strong stuff and the less meds the better. But if not then atleast I have something that works because Seroquel has been a miracle drug! I'm sleeping, I have energy, I want to do things. So for now I am on seroquel and prozac. There are some concerns with side effects that we are monitering (weight and blood sugar) but so far so good...I'm not even that drowsy

Thankfully in the midst of all this my lungs are good. Spring has been kind to me. Soome asthma issues from the pollen but overall good. Cystic Fibrosis is being kind to me right now...for now the beast is sleeping...ever lurking but not wreaking havoc

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Prozac day 2

So its day two...so far things have not been worse and no mood swings. YAY. Atleast if those do come the doctor did prepare me for it.

I've felt a little funky in the head but hey whats new. I actually got dressed, did my hair and went shopping today. I did have this strange want to buy funky color hair dye in Sally's and dye my hair...I resisted but hey maybe I should have done it and blamed it on the med change. I guess if thats the weirdest thing and worst thing I've wanted to do

Other than being sleepy and having a little headache things are going fairly well. I'm still rather down but I'm determined to push myself to do more than lie in bed and stare at the ceiling like I have been doing. I know all that inactivity isn't good for more lungs. I don't how much those good intentions are going to do me but hey I did go shopping (retail therapy!) and am going to try to make myself go swimming tomorrow even if all I do is float on a noodle.

Holding onto God tighter than ever right now and even in the midst of all this realize I have lots to thank God for and am indeed blessed

Monday, April 5, 2010

So not a good start to the week

So its been a rough month, getting progressively rougher as time goes on. Decided to suck it up and go to the doc today. Turns out my Celexa is giving out on me so I start Prozac tomorrow/ I am hoping it works...I've been on prozac with good results before though I have been warned that things will suck until the prozac really kicks in

If you never experienced mental illness then count yourself lucky. If you have then I know you can relate. It had gotten to the point I didn't want to move...just lay in the bed and stare at the ceiling. Just totally hopeless feeling. I've had many many diagnoses ranging fromPTSD to clinical depression to generalized anxiety to social anxiety and more.

Believe me if I had a choice of being free of CF or being free of mental/emotional illness I would choose the emotional illness to get rid of

I know God is holding me and I know He is there. I'm trying to trust Him and hold on to that. "That the hands that made the world are holding me". Its hard though...its hard not to give up. I know God has plans for me and isn't through with me yet but sometimes in the midst of struggling I can't fathom how anything good could come from the struggles

Thursday, April 1, 2010

What does it take to fight CF?

Or alteast what does it take to keep the beast at bay? Cystic Fibrosis really is a high maintenance disease.

I do atleast 4 nebulizer treatments a day (albuterol and Hypertonic saline 2x a day), 30 minutes of the Vest 2x a day and sometimes follow that up with 10 minutes of the Acapella , 2 puffs of Symbicort 2x a day. Ventolin inhaler as needed through the day/night, nasonex 1x a day and sinus washes twice a day. This is the bare minimum. I've spent most of the winter with the vest and nebulizer treatments 4x a day and added meds to the neb treatments

In addition I take atleast two pills every time I eat, vitamins, calcium (at just 16 my bones were borderline osteoporosis), protonix etc.

Its not just the meds and therapy that keep the monster at bay. Its also a healthy dose of optimism, determination, faith and lots of prayer...both mine and those of others! Its living everyday to the fullest and savoring the healthy days and pushing through the not so healthy. Its having trust in the doctors. Its knowing that God is with me every step of the way

THATS what it takes to fight CF