First...I must say how wonderful ACE is! This is a doggy anti-anxiety medication. Ellie has a huge fear of thunderstorms...I would call it a phobia. She has what can only be described as panic attacks at the sound of thunder. She forgets she is an 85 pound dog and tries to smother us because she wants to be so close. ACE has changed that....with just 1/2 a pill she sleeps peacefully under the dining room table during storms! I am greatly relieved for her because I hate seeing her so upset.
second....I challenged myself to read the new testament in chronological order. I have a chronological Bible and thought this would be interesting. the challenge? To read it through during the summer. I'm making good progress and am so interested in it that I am a few days ahead of schedule
third....we are wedding crazy here! 3 weeks from saturday my brother is getting married. To me thats crazy cause it seems like just yesterday we were rolling in the mud together haha. Anyway we are excited to add Kara to the family. I am eagerly awaiting my bridesmaid dress getting here! And hoping it fits...thank you prednisone.
fourth...my health. My lungs still hate me...but what else is new? I am finally off steroids after 20 days on them. As soon as I finished levaquin I started running a low grade fever. Bummer. And this heat does not agree with me. Lots of salt and gatorade and fluids. I don't want any field trips to the ER for IV fluids. Or hospital stays for these lungs. I feel like I spend my days doing treatments...but hey I am home and I can breathe so much better with the aggressive treatments. I have a doctors appointment in a few weeks for a checkup and bloodwork etc.
fifth....my lungs may be crappy but I am happy! Hey that rhymes...haha. Really though I am filled with the joy only God bring. I am happy to be alive and to be who I am and to have such awesome family and friends. I know its cliche....but I am blessed! Not inspite of my problems but sometimes because of them. I have a much greater appreciation for how special life is and how we need to live it to the fullest and live it to bring glory to God
sixth....If I don't slow down reading I am going to go broke. I am sick of TV so with the exception of the duggars and toddlers and tiaras(my guilty pleasures along with 16 and pregnant which is over for the season. yes I like trashy tv) I've only been watching a movie here and there. Which leaves my passion...BOOKS! in the last week I have read 8 books(fiction), 1 non fiction plus my Bible reading. I have 3 more in my stack to read and 5 more on the way from Amazon. Thankfully my parents and grandparents are helping to fund my bookaholicism. But hey I love to learn, I love to read and be transported away from my pain and not being able to breathe and into a world of my imagination. I love to read the Bible and imagine myself watching the events take place....especially through Jesus's earthly ministry. I love to get sucked into a good mystery and imagine myself as the sleuth.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Letter to heaven...has it really been 12 years?
Dear Granddaddy,
Has it really been 12 years since you left us? You told us at lunch that day that your heart just couldn't take much more and your time was coming....and you died that night. You never got to see any of your grandchildren graduate from highschool...you missed Josh graduating by a year. Can you believe he is getting married in a month? You would really love Kara and I'm sad you never got to meet her. I know you will be watching from heaven on their special day.
What is heaven like? Is it one big praise party? What's Jesus like? How does it feel to see God face to face? Is heaven really pretty? Are there really streets of gold and big houses?
12 years ago I was 14. An awkward, shy 14 year old. I left for camp the day of your funeral because you were so excited I was going. I think thats what you would have wanted. I hope you are looking down at me and proud of the young woman I have become and what I've overcome.
We all still miss you, especially grandmama and daddy. Cindy still won't talk about you. It really seems like just yesterday. I miss sitting outside with you drinking grape soda and playing checkers. I miss our talks about fish and looking at your aquarium. I miss watching wheel of fortune with you and seeing you in your blue sweater. I remember your love for God and nature...I'd like to think I inherited both as well as your gentleness
You wouldn't believe the kind of TVs we have now...you would love the LCD flatscreens! And digital cable! We still talk about you when we look at TVs in the store.
I know heaven must be wonderful!
love
rebekah
Has it really been 12 years since you left us? You told us at lunch that day that your heart just couldn't take much more and your time was coming....and you died that night. You never got to see any of your grandchildren graduate from highschool...you missed Josh graduating by a year. Can you believe he is getting married in a month? You would really love Kara and I'm sad you never got to meet her. I know you will be watching from heaven on their special day.
What is heaven like? Is it one big praise party? What's Jesus like? How does it feel to see God face to face? Is heaven really pretty? Are there really streets of gold and big houses?
12 years ago I was 14. An awkward, shy 14 year old. I left for camp the day of your funeral because you were so excited I was going. I think thats what you would have wanted. I hope you are looking down at me and proud of the young woman I have become and what I've overcome.
We all still miss you, especially grandmama and daddy. Cindy still won't talk about you. It really seems like just yesterday. I miss sitting outside with you drinking grape soda and playing checkers. I miss our talks about fish and looking at your aquarium. I miss watching wheel of fortune with you and seeing you in your blue sweater. I remember your love for God and nature...I'd like to think I inherited both as well as your gentleness
You wouldn't believe the kind of TVs we have now...you would love the LCD flatscreens! And digital cable! We still talk about you when we look at TVs in the store.
I know heaven must be wonderful!
love
rebekah
Friday, June 24, 2011
What I want you to know
What I want you to know is...........
That I am more than a disease, more than a life expectancy. I'm more than a statistic. I am Bekah, I am a child of God. I am a bookworm, a writer, an animal lover. I love to laugh, I love to sing and be silly. My idea of a good night is curling up in bed with my furry babies and a book after my treatments are done.. I love the beach, I love a good bookstore, butterflies and monkies. The color pink is my favorite. I love to read my Bible. I love puzzles and being with my family. I can't stand grasshoppers, snakes and the dark. My favorite food is pizza and I love fresh fruit. Easter is my favorite holiday. NCIS, the twilight zone, I love lucy and empty nest are my favorite shows. 16 and pregnant and toddlers and tiaras are my guilty pleasures. I have dreams and hopes. I have fears and insecurities
Thats what I want people to see. That despite having CF....I am a normal person. Yes I do many hours of treatments, yes I take a lot of pills. Yes I spend A LOT of time hooked to machines everyday. But I am just like you. I am smart (have been called brilliant), I am a speed reader. CF does not affect my mind. Yes I don't work but thats because I CAN'T! That doesn't mean I have no life. Yes I need naps...but I don't sleep my life away. Yes I look like a steroid freak sometimes...I can't help it. I know I am overweight..you try being on steroids for the better part of 13 years. Yes my health is not good but I am not fragile. I am stronger than I look and stronger than you think. Life is terminal...we're all gonna die. Some sooner than others. Only God knows when. And this world is not my home...I was made for more than all of this.
Yes I don't always act sick...if I acted sick then I would never get out of bed. Yes I smile and laugh a lot even in pain...why not? I'm going to make the best out of this life that God blessed me with. Don't judge how sick I am by the way I look or act!
That I am more than a disease, more than a life expectancy. I'm more than a statistic. I am Bekah, I am a child of God. I am a bookworm, a writer, an animal lover. I love to laugh, I love to sing and be silly. My idea of a good night is curling up in bed with my furry babies and a book after my treatments are done.. I love the beach, I love a good bookstore, butterflies and monkies. The color pink is my favorite. I love to read my Bible. I love puzzles and being with my family. I can't stand grasshoppers, snakes and the dark. My favorite food is pizza and I love fresh fruit. Easter is my favorite holiday. NCIS, the twilight zone, I love lucy and empty nest are my favorite shows. 16 and pregnant and toddlers and tiaras are my guilty pleasures. I have dreams and hopes. I have fears and insecurities
Thats what I want people to see. That despite having CF....I am a normal person. Yes I do many hours of treatments, yes I take a lot of pills. Yes I spend A LOT of time hooked to machines everyday. But I am just like you. I am smart (have been called brilliant), I am a speed reader. CF does not affect my mind. Yes I don't work but thats because I CAN'T! That doesn't mean I have no life. Yes I need naps...but I don't sleep my life away. Yes I look like a steroid freak sometimes...I can't help it. I know I am overweight..you try being on steroids for the better part of 13 years. Yes my health is not good but I am not fragile. I am stronger than I look and stronger than you think. Life is terminal...we're all gonna die. Some sooner than others. Only God knows when. And this world is not my home...I was made for more than all of this.
Yes I don't always act sick...if I acted sick then I would never get out of bed. Yes I smile and laugh a lot even in pain...why not? I'm going to make the best out of this life that God blessed me with. Don't judge how sick I am by the way I look or act!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
random
So summer is here. And south carolina summers are HOT!!!
We are just a month away from my brother's wedding. This is all new to me...the last wedding I was in..well I was 4 and a flower girl. I'm so not a girly girl so the fancy dress etc is way new to me. And shopping for silver shoes to go with my bridesmaid dress....my idea of shoe shopping is looking for a new color of converse. Heck my idea of shopping is an afternoon at goodwill or books a million. Infact I had to be dragged out of BAM to look for shoes and help my mom find a dress.
When it comes down to it...I'm a simple country girl...ponytails, jeans and tshirts. Converse and flip flops.
I am way excited for the wedding though. Excited to be gaining a sister and to see my brother marrying such a wonderful girl. Very happy for them and excited for our family to grow. And yes this simple country girl is excited to get all dressed up for once.
Can't believe we've got almost everything done....including having made ellie's reservations at the doggy hotel.
Been under the weather. Was really sick about 3 weeks ago and have been slowly getting better. just finished levaquin and am still on steroids. Sitting here doing my neb treatments as I type. CF just will not loosen its grip on me. Thats okay...I'm happy and blessed beyond belief....take that CF! Whatever the future brings...my God is bigger than CF
We are just a month away from my brother's wedding. This is all new to me...the last wedding I was in..well I was 4 and a flower girl. I'm so not a girly girl so the fancy dress etc is way new to me. And shopping for silver shoes to go with my bridesmaid dress....my idea of shoe shopping is looking for a new color of converse. Heck my idea of shopping is an afternoon at goodwill or books a million. Infact I had to be dragged out of BAM to look for shoes and help my mom find a dress.
When it comes down to it...I'm a simple country girl...ponytails, jeans and tshirts. Converse and flip flops.
I am way excited for the wedding though. Excited to be gaining a sister and to see my brother marrying such a wonderful girl. Very happy for them and excited for our family to grow. And yes this simple country girl is excited to get all dressed up for once.
Can't believe we've got almost everything done....including having made ellie's reservations at the doggy hotel.
Been under the weather. Was really sick about 3 weeks ago and have been slowly getting better. just finished levaquin and am still on steroids. Sitting here doing my neb treatments as I type. CF just will not loosen its grip on me. Thats okay...I'm happy and blessed beyond belief....take that CF! Whatever the future brings...my God is bigger than CF
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Hope
Its hard to believe 7 years ago I graduated from high school. And got the best present...my dusty cat.
Its even harder to believe that 8 years ago I didn't even care if I lived. I was so depressed etc that I didn't even want to live. Since about age 13 I had been a "cutter"....I still bear those scars. I am glad to see that self injury gets more awareness now though its still highly misunderstood. I wasn't trying to kill myself....I just was so angry and had so much pain that I didn't know what to do with it. I was used to dealing with physical pain so it seemed easier to put my emotional pain into physical pain.
I look at my arms today and wonder what the heck was I thinking and how the heck am I still here. I do know the answer to the last question...GOD! There were times I was so low that the only explanation I have for not going through with suicide was God...He wasn't through with me! Anytime I ever doubt that God carries me in His arms everyday as it says in Psalms...I just remember those times
It would be far easier to remain quiet about my past....I am not proud of it. And there is A LOT that I don't share. But I share what I do to give others hope. Self Injury is something that only a very small percent of people are able to fully overcome. I have not cut in years...I have overcome it! Only by the grace of God.
God blessed me with an excellent Christian counselor who I saw for 6 years. He pointed me to God and told me how much God loves me and that He has great plans for me. Had I heard those things before? Yes...but not in the context of me personally....the generic "God loves you...Jesus loves you.
God has blessed me with doctors who have gotten my med combo perfect...though meds don't help with everything that I am dealing with. God has blessed me with a wonderful mom who drove me 2 hours each way to therapy and has held me in my darkest moments.
Today I look at my life and no, its not perfect. But its my life and I am learning to love it. Most importantly I love God and am learning to see myself as He sees me. I hated myself before...absolutely hated myself. Now I see that I am wonderfully and uniquely made.
The rape ripped everything open again but through the grace of God...I made it! I will admit that after about 3 years of not cutting that I slipped only a time or two which didn't surprise anyone after such a huge trauma. But I didn't fall back into it!
In the two years since the rape God has brought me so far. Its no longer so vivid that it seems like its happening now. I have come to understand even more God's love and grace. Have I forgiven the guy who did it to me? No not fully. Am I closer to it than 2 years ago? YES.
I have learned to take my eyes off my problems and put them on Jesus...thats when wonderful things and when healing occurs.
I put myself out there to give others hope. A troubled teen who didn't want to live and was dealing with finding out she had a fatal illness after being sick all her life to a young woman embracing God even after rape and who now sees her fatal illness as a blessing. THERE IS HOPE!
This is not even 10% of my story and like I say....theres a lot thats between me and God (and my old therapist). There is a lot I dont share...I believe some things just are better that way. Maybe one day.
Its even harder to believe that 8 years ago I didn't even care if I lived. I was so depressed etc that I didn't even want to live. Since about age 13 I had been a "cutter"....I still bear those scars. I am glad to see that self injury gets more awareness now though its still highly misunderstood. I wasn't trying to kill myself....I just was so angry and had so much pain that I didn't know what to do with it. I was used to dealing with physical pain so it seemed easier to put my emotional pain into physical pain.
I look at my arms today and wonder what the heck was I thinking and how the heck am I still here. I do know the answer to the last question...GOD! There were times I was so low that the only explanation I have for not going through with suicide was God...He wasn't through with me! Anytime I ever doubt that God carries me in His arms everyday as it says in Psalms...I just remember those times
It would be far easier to remain quiet about my past....I am not proud of it. And there is A LOT that I don't share. But I share what I do to give others hope. Self Injury is something that only a very small percent of people are able to fully overcome. I have not cut in years...I have overcome it! Only by the grace of God.
God blessed me with an excellent Christian counselor who I saw for 6 years. He pointed me to God and told me how much God loves me and that He has great plans for me. Had I heard those things before? Yes...but not in the context of me personally....the generic "God loves you...Jesus loves you.
God has blessed me with doctors who have gotten my med combo perfect...though meds don't help with everything that I am dealing with. God has blessed me with a wonderful mom who drove me 2 hours each way to therapy and has held me in my darkest moments.
Today I look at my life and no, its not perfect. But its my life and I am learning to love it. Most importantly I love God and am learning to see myself as He sees me. I hated myself before...absolutely hated myself. Now I see that I am wonderfully and uniquely made.
The rape ripped everything open again but through the grace of God...I made it! I will admit that after about 3 years of not cutting that I slipped only a time or two which didn't surprise anyone after such a huge trauma. But I didn't fall back into it!
In the two years since the rape God has brought me so far. Its no longer so vivid that it seems like its happening now. I have come to understand even more God's love and grace. Have I forgiven the guy who did it to me? No not fully. Am I closer to it than 2 years ago? YES.
I have learned to take my eyes off my problems and put them on Jesus...thats when wonderful things and when healing occurs.
I put myself out there to give others hope. A troubled teen who didn't want to live and was dealing with finding out she had a fatal illness after being sick all her life to a young woman embracing God even after rape and who now sees her fatal illness as a blessing. THERE IS HOPE!
This is not even 10% of my story and like I say....theres a lot thats between me and God (and my old therapist). There is a lot I dont share...I believe some things just are better that way. Maybe one day.
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