I keep telling myself to just keep swimming. things have to get better sooner or later right?
Its been a really tough time lately. At first I figured it was stress as my dad has been having major health issues and we just added a new puppy to the family (who doesn't like to sleep!)
But then I started having THOSE thoughts. The thoughts of hurting myself. I knew then it was time to seek help so I went to the doctor to get my meds adjusted and to get something to help me sleep.
March 14th will be 3 years since the rape. I know thats not helping things. Infact its probably the cause of 75% of my problems.
I've started not sleeping again. Nightmares abound. Tried ambien and now lunesta. Did finally sleep with the lunesta. I won't even list all the drugs its taking to keep me just doing ok
I know if (when) I make it through the next few weeks things will drastically improve (hopefully).
So no right now I'm not okay. Its a day to day...sometimes hour to hour or minute to minute thing.
I will say thanks to my wonderful therapist and all those years of therapy that I do have the self control and coping skills to not give into the thoughts of hurting myself
So thats why I haven't blogged lately. I'm still alive...but its taking everything I have to keep going
I keep telling myself I cant control what happened to me but I can decide to fight and not let it ruin my life. I believe that is the greatest revenge of all!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Coulda, Woulda, Shouldas
Okay so most of you know I am an NCIS NUT! Last night has provoked many thoughts for me
The premise was sort of life the 5 people you meet in heaven. Gibbs was shown what would have happened if he had made different choices at different points in his life and how it would have affected others (eg his wife and daughter were killed by drug dealers while he was overseas as a marine...he was shown if his wife hadn't testified and they hadn't been killed and thus he would have still been a marine and not an NCIS agent that his wife would have been widow) You really had to see it
We make so many choices in our lives and a ot of times we don't know the power of those choices.
What if my parents had married someone other than eachother and thus I wouldn't have been born with CF (or at all technically)? What if I had gotten up early that morning Ellie got hit and could have prevented her from getting out? What if I had never crossed paths with my rapist? What if?
Every single choice, every decision, every coincedence makes us who we are. I've never been healthy so I can't imagine what it would be like to NOT have CF. While I wish I didn't have CF, I am proud to be a member of a wonderful community who support and rally around their own. One in 2500 newborns is born with CF...so the odds were more in favor that I would not be born with it. Say hello to the 25% chance
If I had gotten up with Ellie that morning there is no telling if I could have stopped her. Maybe, Maybe not. But I believe every creature on this earth has a set number of heartbeats and breaths...God knows how long each of us will live and I can only say Ellie's purpose on earth was done. And this new adventure with Abby wouldn't be happening
Cystic Fibrosis has made me tough, it has made me learn to fight with everything I have and I see how precious each breath, each moment is. Every sunrise and sunset, every buttefly and every flower
Do I wish I could go back in time and make a different choice where I didn't cross paths with my rapist? I've wished that almost everyday for almost 3 years. If I could change that, I would. But its made me who I am today.. I am not who I was 3 years ago. God uses even the bad to work good in our lives and I fully believe the good in the rape is that I get the chance to speak out and help other women. I will not stay silent
Its not the couldas,wouldas and shouldas that we should let shape us because we answer what might have happened IF. we have to concentrate on what has happened. We can't change the past but we can work to make the future better
The premise was sort of life the 5 people you meet in heaven. Gibbs was shown what would have happened if he had made different choices at different points in his life and how it would have affected others (eg his wife and daughter were killed by drug dealers while he was overseas as a marine...he was shown if his wife hadn't testified and they hadn't been killed and thus he would have still been a marine and not an NCIS agent that his wife would have been widow) You really had to see it
We make so many choices in our lives and a ot of times we don't know the power of those choices.
What if my parents had married someone other than eachother and thus I wouldn't have been born with CF (or at all technically)? What if I had gotten up early that morning Ellie got hit and could have prevented her from getting out? What if I had never crossed paths with my rapist? What if?
Every single choice, every decision, every coincedence makes us who we are. I've never been healthy so I can't imagine what it would be like to NOT have CF. While I wish I didn't have CF, I am proud to be a member of a wonderful community who support and rally around their own. One in 2500 newborns is born with CF...so the odds were more in favor that I would not be born with it. Say hello to the 25% chance
If I had gotten up with Ellie that morning there is no telling if I could have stopped her. Maybe, Maybe not. But I believe every creature on this earth has a set number of heartbeats and breaths...God knows how long each of us will live and I can only say Ellie's purpose on earth was done. And this new adventure with Abby wouldn't be happening
Cystic Fibrosis has made me tough, it has made me learn to fight with everything I have and I see how precious each breath, each moment is. Every sunrise and sunset, every buttefly and every flower
Do I wish I could go back in time and make a different choice where I didn't cross paths with my rapist? I've wished that almost everyday for almost 3 years. If I could change that, I would. But its made me who I am today.. I am not who I was 3 years ago. God uses even the bad to work good in our lives and I fully believe the good in the rape is that I get the chance to speak out and help other women. I will not stay silent
Its not the couldas,wouldas and shouldas that we should let shape us because we answer what might have happened IF. we have to concentrate on what has happened. We can't change the past but we can work to make the future better
Saturday, February 4, 2012
New Beginnings
Yep thats right. Of course life constantly changes. We never stay in the place. Thats what life is...change. Some for the better, some for the worse.
This change is for the better but still bittersweet
3 months after saying goodbye to my sweet Ellie Belly we will be welcoming another golden baby into the family. Abigail "Abby" johnson will join us next saturday. She's a fuzzy blonde butterball. We just love retrievers...we looked at all kinds of dogs, all ages but in the end our hearts were won by a golden retriever puppy.
Its bittersweet. Its as if this is the final goodbye to Ellie. I know its not. I will ALWAYS love Ellie and I know I will see her again one day. I just need something to love and hug on this side of heaven.
It gets lonely. I always feel like the odd one out. Everyone has someone but me. So I hope this helps my loneliness and gives me a renewed reason to fight.
Its going to be an adventure,thats for sure! I'm excited and can't wait to bring my little miss abby home.
This change is for the better but still bittersweet
3 months after saying goodbye to my sweet Ellie Belly we will be welcoming another golden baby into the family. Abigail "Abby" johnson will join us next saturday. She's a fuzzy blonde butterball. We just love retrievers...we looked at all kinds of dogs, all ages but in the end our hearts were won by a golden retriever puppy.
Its bittersweet. Its as if this is the final goodbye to Ellie. I know its not. I will ALWAYS love Ellie and I know I will see her again one day. I just need something to love and hug on this side of heaven.
It gets lonely. I always feel like the odd one out. Everyone has someone but me. So I hope this helps my loneliness and gives me a renewed reason to fight.
Its going to be an adventure,thats for sure! I'm excited and can't wait to bring my little miss abby home.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Don't judge until you've been there (controversial!)
I saw something on facebook that rather ticked me off today. It was someones status about abortion which of course gets onto the subject of what about rape. it was someones response to that that really got me
Let me just say...don't judge until you've been there. Women who have never experienced rape cannot imagine the physical, mental and emotional damage it does. Yes I took the morning the after pill, yes I openly said that if for someone reason that didn't work that I would not carry the child of the man who did that to me.
I can't imagine becoming pregnant as a result of rape. I was so out of it for months after it happened. I developed severe PTSD. I really could barely take care of myself. Not to mention I made the choice to take HIV preventative for 6weeks which is really harsh drugs
Don't judge until you have been there. Rape is one of the worst things that can happen to a woman. It takes so much away from you and changes you to the point that you will never be the woman you were before. I'm coming up on 3 years and I still have PTSD issues. I still have nightmares
I just cannot fathom that any woman would think that a rape survivor should be forced to carry her rapist's baby. To me that shows ignorance and insensitivity. Thats right up there with blaming the victim
Another issue for me is that the majority of people who are so rabidly against abortion are okay with the death penalty and are against healthcare for all. So we protect life just until its born? If you really believe only God has the right to take life away then you have to believe that the death penalty is wrong. I believe its wrong for many reasons but thats not the point
Pro life is more than being anti-abortion. Don't just protect and value life before its born...value and protect it after its here. How is okay to deny someone who is already here...living and breathing outside its mother..the healthcare they need to live? How is it right to kill someone as punishment? Are we God?? Once someone is born do we really get the right to assign worth to their lives? But we will fight to the death to protect them while in the womb
We should love and care for the rape survivor, the homeless, the schizophrenic, the orphan and the poor as much as we do the unborn.
Pro-life is way more complicated than most people see it. I guess babies are just seen as so innocent. But really every human life deserves respect...
I would have fought to my dying breath before I carried a child fathered by the man who raped me. And I consider myself pro life. But experiences change and mature you.
Let me just say...don't judge until you've been there. Women who have never experienced rape cannot imagine the physical, mental and emotional damage it does. Yes I took the morning the after pill, yes I openly said that if for someone reason that didn't work that I would not carry the child of the man who did that to me.
I can't imagine becoming pregnant as a result of rape. I was so out of it for months after it happened. I developed severe PTSD. I really could barely take care of myself. Not to mention I made the choice to take HIV preventative for 6weeks which is really harsh drugs
Don't judge until you have been there. Rape is one of the worst things that can happen to a woman. It takes so much away from you and changes you to the point that you will never be the woman you were before. I'm coming up on 3 years and I still have PTSD issues. I still have nightmares
I just cannot fathom that any woman would think that a rape survivor should be forced to carry her rapist's baby. To me that shows ignorance and insensitivity. Thats right up there with blaming the victim
Another issue for me is that the majority of people who are so rabidly against abortion are okay with the death penalty and are against healthcare for all. So we protect life just until its born? If you really believe only God has the right to take life away then you have to believe that the death penalty is wrong. I believe its wrong for many reasons but thats not the point
Pro life is more than being anti-abortion. Don't just protect and value life before its born...value and protect it after its here. How is okay to deny someone who is already here...living and breathing outside its mother..the healthcare they need to live? How is it right to kill someone as punishment? Are we God?? Once someone is born do we really get the right to assign worth to their lives? But we will fight to the death to protect them while in the womb
We should love and care for the rape survivor, the homeless, the schizophrenic, the orphan and the poor as much as we do the unborn.
Pro-life is way more complicated than most people see it. I guess babies are just seen as so innocent. But really every human life deserves respect...
I would have fought to my dying breath before I carried a child fathered by the man who raped me. And I consider myself pro life. But experiences change and mature you.
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