I've been through a lot with my lungs. I've struggled to breathe, gasped for air, coughed until I puked and have been at times unable to walk to the bathroom without becoming extremely short of breath. I've spent hours hooked to a nebulizer and vest machine. I've been hooked to oxygen..
All that to say that I would take cystic fibrosis over depression any day of the week
The suffocating feeling that everyone around you would be better off without you. Being in so much pain inside that hurting yourself is the only thing that relieves it. Wanting to die so that you aren't trapped in your mind. And then I see how I upset my family and feel 1000x worse and add guilt to the list of my emotions
I've suffered from depression since my teen years. Anxiety too. I started cutting when I was barely a teenager. I started my first anti-depressant...Paxil...at age 18. I've taken Paxil, Prozac, Zoloft, Effexor, Wellbutrin, celexa, lexapro etc. Unfortunatly my depression is extremely hard to treat and the only SSRI that I even marginally respond to is prozac..I'm maxed out on it at 80mg
If you've never suffered from depression...then thank God! It truly is one of the worst things I have dealt with. Making it even worse is there is so little help out there outpatient wise for mental illnesses. Things like art therapy, recreational therapy and pet therapy exist only in hospitals. Outpatient the most offered is medication management and talk therapy.
Noone will come out and say it but I'm being treated like someone with bipolar depression...noone will diagnose me as such officially but its been mentioned
Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning...I feel like I have cement blocks strapped on me and just can't surface. I fight and fight but can't come back up for air. Thats what depression feels like to me
Its hard to ask for help. Really hard. Sometimes it seems easier to kill yourself than ask for help.
My new combo of meds is working though and I am feeling the best I have felt in probably a year. I'm enjoying life, I'm laughing, I don't have thoughts of wanting to die or hurt myself. I'm actually happy for once that I am alive! This to me is a miracle!
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
home sweet home!
Its not secret to those of you who are friends with me on facebook that I just spent 8 days inpatient for depression treatment.
It started with a doctor's visit. Let me just say I knew going to that doctor's appointment what was going to happen. I seriously wanted to die, wanted to hurt myself. I knew I needed to be somewhere where I could watched 24/7. Anyway my doctor sent me across the street to the WCH ER where I stayed for 14 hours. It took that long for the pysch eval and placement. I was placed at a facility called the lighthouse
I have nothing but good things to say about that facility and the staff! My doctor and therapist were awesome, the mental health techs, nurses and recreational therapist were awesome too.
When you get there you are placed on "LOS" (line of sight) for 24hrs. lin of sight means you have to be in the sight of a staff member at all times I got off of it saturday and ended up back on it saturday night-thursday. Yes I had some freak outs but I really learned how to calm myself down. I learned lots of coping skills and about expressing myself in healthy ways. I made lots of friends and by the time I left all the staff knew me by name and everyone hugged me goodbye
I really needed that. I needed the structure, I needed the intensive therapy and being around others like me.
I'm on seroquel, geodon, prozac, lamictal, buspar, doxepin and ambien ( seroquel, ambien and doxepin for sleep, geodon for the urges to hurt myself, lamictal for mood swings, buspar for anxiety, prozac for depression). Its aall really helping. I feel better than I have in months!
I have follow up appointments here in town tuesday. My diagnosis is still major depression (treatment resistant) but I'm on all the meds that someone biplar would be on
I was dreading being inpatient but really it was not bad. It was hard but I knew I needed to be there. I think it was harder on my parents than on me! Last saturday night was hard on all of us when they came for visitation and then left without me. They weren't there when I was transported from the ER to the lighthouse so that was the first time they had seen me since the ER
I think the longest part of the whole ordeal was the 14hrs in the ER!
It started with a doctor's visit. Let me just say I knew going to that doctor's appointment what was going to happen. I seriously wanted to die, wanted to hurt myself. I knew I needed to be somewhere where I could watched 24/7. Anyway my doctor sent me across the street to the WCH ER where I stayed for 14 hours. It took that long for the pysch eval and placement. I was placed at a facility called the lighthouse
I have nothing but good things to say about that facility and the staff! My doctor and therapist were awesome, the mental health techs, nurses and recreational therapist were awesome too.
When you get there you are placed on "LOS" (line of sight) for 24hrs. lin of sight means you have to be in the sight of a staff member at all times I got off of it saturday and ended up back on it saturday night-thursday. Yes I had some freak outs but I really learned how to calm myself down. I learned lots of coping skills and about expressing myself in healthy ways. I made lots of friends and by the time I left all the staff knew me by name and everyone hugged me goodbye
I really needed that. I needed the structure, I needed the intensive therapy and being around others like me.
I'm on seroquel, geodon, prozac, lamictal, buspar, doxepin and ambien ( seroquel, ambien and doxepin for sleep, geodon for the urges to hurt myself, lamictal for mood swings, buspar for anxiety, prozac for depression). Its aall really helping. I feel better than I have in months!
I have follow up appointments here in town tuesday. My diagnosis is still major depression (treatment resistant) but I'm on all the meds that someone biplar would be on
I was dreading being inpatient but really it was not bad. It was hard but I knew I needed to be there. I think it was harder on my parents than on me! Last saturday night was hard on all of us when they came for visitation and then left without me. They weren't there when I was transported from the ER to the lighthouse so that was the first time they had seen me since the ER
I think the longest part of the whole ordeal was the 14hrs in the ER!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
3 years....
March 14th will be 3 years since the rape. So I figured I'd do a where I've been and where I'm going 3 year post. Cause right now I'm just feeling uncreative
3 years. Its a long time! Unfortunatly sometimes it seems just like yesterday. This time every year I start having major issues. I start having thoughts of hurting myself...which thanks to lots of therapy I have the self control not to do and better coping skills. However it manifests in other ways...not sleeping, being irritable, eating too much or too little, not wanting to get out of bed, crying all the time, anger issues, not wanting to go crowded places, anxiety and panic attacks, not wanting to be alone. Yep that describes me right now. Thanks to some med changes, the wonders of xanax and ambien things are a little better. *note to self NEVER take lunesta again!*
Of course God always comes through and He has blessed with a now 15 pound, 9 week old Abby :-) So I have to get out of bed (see how sneaky God can be?) and outside and have to be active. She's given me something to hold on to and something to wake up to each morning
3 years is not long enough in my opinion. Not long enough to heal, especially not long enough to forget (which I don't think you ever do). But looking back I can see some positive changes. I have stayed by myself at night. I have become more comfortable when I am out in public no longer reduced to sitting on the bench in walmart in tears on the phone with my mom (just a few weeks after the rape). I no longer live in fear of the guy who did it. I refuse to give control to him
I've proved myself to be stronger than I ever thought I could be. I think most of that strength comes from faith and hope. I've proved myself to be a fighter. I've proved myself not to be a quitter.
Will I ever totally get over it? Who knows. Will I ever totally get off of meds and be able to live a depression/anxiety/PTSD life? I don't know. If not I'll make the best of what I have.
What I have found is the healing journey is not a straight road. There are curves, wrong turns, dead ends and misread signs. Sometimes its 2 steps forward, 3 back. Sometimes its the reverse. But its not a straight road. I have also found everything worth it in this life requires effort! I get nowhere by not trying. I'd rather fail and end up 3 steps back than to never try
3 years. Its a long time! Unfortunatly sometimes it seems just like yesterday. This time every year I start having major issues. I start having thoughts of hurting myself...which thanks to lots of therapy I have the self control not to do and better coping skills. However it manifests in other ways...not sleeping, being irritable, eating too much or too little, not wanting to get out of bed, crying all the time, anger issues, not wanting to go crowded places, anxiety and panic attacks, not wanting to be alone. Yep that describes me right now. Thanks to some med changes, the wonders of xanax and ambien things are a little better. *note to self NEVER take lunesta again!*
Of course God always comes through and He has blessed with a now 15 pound, 9 week old Abby :-) So I have to get out of bed (see how sneaky God can be?) and outside and have to be active. She's given me something to hold on to and something to wake up to each morning
3 years is not long enough in my opinion. Not long enough to heal, especially not long enough to forget (which I don't think you ever do). But looking back I can see some positive changes. I have stayed by myself at night. I have become more comfortable when I am out in public no longer reduced to sitting on the bench in walmart in tears on the phone with my mom (just a few weeks after the rape). I no longer live in fear of the guy who did it. I refuse to give control to him
I've proved myself to be stronger than I ever thought I could be. I think most of that strength comes from faith and hope. I've proved myself to be a fighter. I've proved myself not to be a quitter.
Will I ever totally get over it? Who knows. Will I ever totally get off of meds and be able to live a depression/anxiety/PTSD life? I don't know. If not I'll make the best of what I have.
What I have found is the healing journey is not a straight road. There are curves, wrong turns, dead ends and misread signs. Sometimes its 2 steps forward, 3 back. Sometimes its the reverse. But its not a straight road. I have also found everything worth it in this life requires effort! I get nowhere by not trying. I'd rather fail and end up 3 steps back than to never try
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