Yes this is how Ellie sleeps
Friday, May 28, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
graduation reflections (class of 04)
Its graduation time again and as such I have been thinking about my own graduation. Its hard to believe I have been out of school for 6 years!
I fought hard to finish school.even being homeschooled I was so sick I missed a year of school..my 10th grade year. So I finished a year later than I should have. But as sick as I was as a teenager graduating at all was a big thing. I doubt my highschool years were typical as they were spent at the hospital and doctor's office. Spent on steroids. Spent so sick I couldn't lift my head up. I would either sleep all morning and do schoolwork all afternoon or do schoolwork all morning and sleep all afternoon. That was when I was doing relatively well. Add anxiety and depression to cystic fibrosis and well...my teen years were not fun.
My life has not taken the path I planned. Once upon a time I dreamed of college....cystic fibrosis, a weak immune system, depression and anxiety have robbed me of that. Once I dreamed of a full time job...once again my health problems have robbed that from me. I did not plan (DUH!) on becoming a rape survivor at 23 years old.
Sometimes I wonder what people see when they look at me. Do they see a loser who sits at home all day? Do they see instead someone fighting for her life? Do they know even a cold can put me in the hospital? Or that I have fought depression so bad I couldn't get out of bed. Do they know I take an enormous amounts of medicine to stay alive.
I hope people don't judge me by the cover. Yes I am single, living at home and not working. I would gladly trade my life for a normal life...or would I? I'm not lazy, I'm not weird, I'm not gay, I'm not mooching off my parents.
This is not how I saw myself at 25 back when I was 19 and finishing high school. Most days I'm just thankful to be alive and be able to get out of bed and do normal stuff
Friday, May 14, 2010
Great Strides
A huge thank you to everyone who has generously donated to my Great Strides walk! Your money will help give me and others like me more tomorrows!
Tomorrow my mom, dad and I will be walking for team bekah boo at the old air force base. Altogether I raised $290!!!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Butterflies pt 2
So I've been thinking and have some more things to say on the subject of butterflies.
I'm sure some people think its weird that I am a Christian and focus on butterflies seemingly more than the cross. I have tons of butterfly jewelry and one cross necklace and one messianic star of david necklace.
I don't think its weird. To me butterflies capture 2 corinthians 5:17 perfectly (17Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!). The old me was a caterpillar, the change and accepting Christ the cocoon and the butterfly is the new creation.
And in way more ways I am a new person though. Not only from the transformation of becoming a Christian but God's work through a wonderful doctor and medication to help me become even more of a new creation and new person. In some ways I feel ready to try my wings out but then I'm still scared to fly, scared my wings won't hold me.
Some days I have to remind myself that I am a beyootiful butterfly even though I might not always feel it. I'm made to fly!
I'm sure some people think its weird that I am a Christian and focus on butterflies seemingly more than the cross. I have tons of butterfly jewelry and one cross necklace and one messianic star of david necklace.
I don't think its weird. To me butterflies capture 2 corinthians 5:17 perfectly (17Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!). The old me was a caterpillar, the change and accepting Christ the cocoon and the butterfly is the new creation.
And in way more ways I am a new person though. Not only from the transformation of becoming a Christian but God's work through a wonderful doctor and medication to help me become even more of a new creation and new person. In some ways I feel ready to try my wings out but then I'm still scared to fly, scared my wings won't hold me.
Some days I have to remind myself that I am a beyootiful butterfly even though I might not always feel it. I'm made to fly!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
A mother's day tribute to my mom
With mother's day being sunday I wanted to dedicate a blog post to my mom.
I happen to think my mom is the most incredible mom ever. I'm sure most people think that but I'm convinced my mom really is. She's been dealt hands that few mothers are.
I'm sure every mother expects a healthy baby who will grow up into a healthy adult. Some mother's don't get that. My mom being one of them. I am the same age my mom was when I was born and yet can't imagine some of the heart break she has gone through.
My problems started almost from birth. At 6 months old my mom was told I most likely had retinoblastoma.....thankfully that diagnosis was wrong. But I did have eye problems that required many surgeries and many trips down to MUSC. My mom saw me carried into surgery screaming and crying so many times. She's been the one with the child post op who is awake and yelling for jello while all the other kids post op are still sleeping.
My mom has fought many battles for me and continues to. When my lung problems started she fought and fought for a diagnosis and the best treatment possible. When I started showing signs of depression she drove me to therapy 2hrs each way for 7 years. She has made sure I have had the best medical care, the best medications and the best help no matter the cost to her.
Despite a diagnosis of cystic fibrosis she has remained positive even when I haven't. She has encouraged me, prayed for me and walked with me every step of the way. Same thing in my battle against depression. She has helped me raise money for Great Strides, supported me in my fundraising efforts.
She has sat on the bathroom floor with me during bad panic attacks, slept by my hospital bed while I was hooked up to IVs, oxygen and moniters, she has spent nights awake with me, nights in the ER. Just this past winter she was with me all the way through a pulmonary embolism scare.
In the midst of all this she has also raised my brother, helped my dad run numerous businesses, fought her own battle with breast cancer, nursed my dad through a stroke and given up 5 years of her life to homeschool me when I was too sick to go to school.
She is what I call an inspirational woman. If I can be half the woman she has been then I will be happy. I don't know if I ever will have kids but if I do, I hope I can be like her
I happen to think my mom is the most incredible mom ever. I'm sure most people think that but I'm convinced my mom really is. She's been dealt hands that few mothers are.
I'm sure every mother expects a healthy baby who will grow up into a healthy adult. Some mother's don't get that. My mom being one of them. I am the same age my mom was when I was born and yet can't imagine some of the heart break she has gone through.
My problems started almost from birth. At 6 months old my mom was told I most likely had retinoblastoma.....thankfully that diagnosis was wrong. But I did have eye problems that required many surgeries and many trips down to MUSC. My mom saw me carried into surgery screaming and crying so many times. She's been the one with the child post op who is awake and yelling for jello while all the other kids post op are still sleeping.
My mom has fought many battles for me and continues to. When my lung problems started she fought and fought for a diagnosis and the best treatment possible. When I started showing signs of depression she drove me to therapy 2hrs each way for 7 years. She has made sure I have had the best medical care, the best medications and the best help no matter the cost to her.
Despite a diagnosis of cystic fibrosis she has remained positive even when I haven't. She has encouraged me, prayed for me and walked with me every step of the way. Same thing in my battle against depression. She has helped me raise money for Great Strides, supported me in my fundraising efforts.
She has sat on the bathroom floor with me during bad panic attacks, slept by my hospital bed while I was hooked up to IVs, oxygen and moniters, she has spent nights awake with me, nights in the ER. Just this past winter she was with me all the way through a pulmonary embolism scare.
In the midst of all this she has also raised my brother, helped my dad run numerous businesses, fought her own battle with breast cancer, nursed my dad through a stroke and given up 5 years of her life to homeschool me when I was too sick to go to school.
She is what I call an inspirational woman. If I can be half the woman she has been then I will be happy. I don't know if I ever will have kids but if I do, I hope I can be like her
Monday, May 3, 2010
SO
I went to the doctor this morning. Seems the higher dose of Seroquel is helping the depression a great deal. However the anxiety is not under control so we are doing a trial of BuSpar. Its a non addictive, very safe anti-anxiety med.
Hopefully this will be my combo and hopefully this will be THE dose of seroquel for me.
Have I mentioned I love my doctor? Truly she is excellent..very sensitive, a great listener and truly cares. I've had so many bad experiences with doctors that it is nice to now have an awesome doctor and be having good experiences.
So yeah that was my appointment this morning. I go back in a month. If I may ask for prayers...please pray my patience assistance application for Seroquel is approved so I am able to get it at no charge. I have no drug coverage right now and that stuff is EXPENSIVE! I'm using samples right now and have enough for about 20 days. If it doesn't get approved we will have to start the drug merry go round again as I will be switched to risperdal (same class but its generic). And I hate to do that considering seroquel is working so well
Other than that its been a lazy day. Storms forcasted for tonight. So me and Ellie took advantage of the nice weather that is currently going on and took a long golf cart ride and even went to the park. I love my golden retriever baby :-)
Hopefully this will be my combo and hopefully this will be THE dose of seroquel for me.
Have I mentioned I love my doctor? Truly she is excellent..very sensitive, a great listener and truly cares. I've had so many bad experiences with doctors that it is nice to now have an awesome doctor and be having good experiences.
So yeah that was my appointment this morning. I go back in a month. If I may ask for prayers...please pray my patience assistance application for Seroquel is approved so I am able to get it at no charge. I have no drug coverage right now and that stuff is EXPENSIVE! I'm using samples right now and have enough for about 20 days. If it doesn't get approved we will have to start the drug merry go round again as I will be switched to risperdal (same class but its generic). And I hate to do that considering seroquel is working so well
Other than that its been a lazy day. Storms forcasted for tonight. So me and Ellie took advantage of the nice weather that is currently going on and took a long golf cart ride and even went to the park. I love my golden retriever baby :-)
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Butterflies.
So yes I am slightly obsessed with butterflies. How did that happen you may ask?
Two things. The first was a story I received in an email forward. Its about a man who decides to help a butterfly out of its cocoon and the butterfly is never able to fly because the struggle to get out of the cocoon is what gives it the strength to fly. I did research and found that indeed if you help a butterfly out of its cocoon it will never fly. And lots of times will also die. Its strength and ability to fly come from the struggle to break out of the cocoon. Yes its a lot of work but without the butterfly will never fly. http://www.heartnsouls.com/stories/e/s473.shtml
http://www.pediatricservices.com/parents/pc-02.htm
The 2nd thing was the movie A Bug's Life. Remember the fat ugly caterpillar who walks around saying that one day he will b e a beyootiful butterfly? He waits and waits. Then at the end of the movie he has become a butterfly...still the slightly ugly caterpillar but he was wings! And he is so excited because he is a beyootiful butterfly now.
I also think butterflies are an amazing comparison to our own lives. Change is painful, transformation hurts, our experiences may be difficult but thats what makes us able to face life, for us to one day fly.
Its also an amazing parallel to our spiritual lives. We were ugly caterpillars with no hope until Christ. And then we are given new life in Christ and turned into a beautiful new creation...like a butterfly.
I like the caterpillar in a bug's life hold out hope that one day I will be a beyootiful butterfly and that all I have been through will enable me to soar higher than I ever dreamed. And boy what a day when I finally take off!
Two things. The first was a story I received in an email forward. Its about a man who decides to help a butterfly out of its cocoon and the butterfly is never able to fly because the struggle to get out of the cocoon is what gives it the strength to fly. I did research and found that indeed if you help a butterfly out of its cocoon it will never fly. And lots of times will also die. Its strength and ability to fly come from the struggle to break out of the cocoon. Yes its a lot of work but without the butterfly will never fly. http://www.heartnsouls.com/stories/e/s473.shtml
http://www.pediatricservices.com/parents/pc-02.htm
The 2nd thing was the movie A Bug's Life. Remember the fat ugly caterpillar who walks around saying that one day he will b e a beyootiful butterfly? He waits and waits. Then at the end of the movie he has become a butterfly...still the slightly ugly caterpillar but he was wings! And he is so excited because he is a beyootiful butterfly now.
I also think butterflies are an amazing comparison to our own lives. Change is painful, transformation hurts, our experiences may be difficult but thats what makes us able to face life, for us to one day fly.
Its also an amazing parallel to our spiritual lives. We were ugly caterpillars with no hope until Christ. And then we are given new life in Christ and turned into a beautiful new creation...like a butterfly.
I like the caterpillar in a bug's life hold out hope that one day I will be a beyootiful butterfly and that all I have been through will enable me to soar higher than I ever dreamed. And boy what a day when I finally take off!
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