Letter to heaven...has it really been 12 years?

Dear Granddaddy,
Has it really been 12 years since you left us? You told us at lunch that day that your heart just couldn't take much more and your time was coming....and you died that night. You never got to see any of your grandchildren graduate from highschool...you missed Josh graduating by a year. Can you believe he is getting married in a month? You would really love Kara and I'm sad you never got to meet her. I know you will be watching from heaven on their special day.
What is heaven like? Is it one big praise party? What's Jesus like? How does it feel to see God face to face? Is heaven really pretty? Are there really streets of gold and big houses?
12 years ago I was 14. An awkward, shy 14 year old. I left for camp the day of your funeral because you were so excited I was going. I think thats what you would have wanted. I hope you are looking down at me and proud of the young woman I have become and what I've overcome.
We all still miss you, especially grandmama and daddy. Cindy still won't talk about you. It really seems like just yesterday. I miss sitting outside with you drinking grape soda and playing checkers. I miss our talks about fish and looking at your aquarium. I miss watching wheel of fortune with you and seeing you in your blue sweater. I remember your love for God and nature...I'd like to think I inherited both as well as your gentleness
You wouldn't believe the kind of TVs we have now...you would love the LCD flatscreens! And digital cable! We still talk about you when we look at TVs in the store.
I know heaven must be wonderful!

love
rebekah

What I want you to know

What I want you to know is...........

That I am more than a disease, more than a life expectancy. I'm more than a statistic. I am Bekah, I am a child of God. I am a bookworm, a writer, an animal lover. I love to laugh, I love to sing and be silly. My idea of a good night is curling up in bed with my furry babies and a book after my treatments are done.. I love the beach, I love a good bookstore, butterflies and monkies. The color pink is my favorite. I love to read my Bible. I love puzzles and being with my family. I can't stand grasshoppers, snakes and the dark. My favorite food is pizza and I love fresh fruit. Easter is my favorite holiday. NCIS, the twilight zone, I love lucy and empty nest are my favorite shows. 16 and pregnant and toddlers and tiaras are my guilty pleasures. I have dreams and hopes. I have fears and insecurities

Thats what I want people to see. That despite having CF....I am a normal person. Yes I do many hours of treatments, yes I take a lot of pills. Yes I spend A LOT of time hooked to machines everyday. But I am just like you. I am smart (have been called brilliant), I am a speed reader. CF does not affect my mind. Yes I don't work but thats because I CAN'T! That doesn't mean I have no life. Yes I need naps...but I don't sleep my life away. Yes I look like a steroid freak sometimes...I can't help it. I know I am overweight..you try being on steroids for the better part of 13 years. Yes my health is not good but I am not fragile. I am stronger than I look and stronger than you think. Life is terminal...we're all gonna die. Some sooner than others. Only God knows when. And this world is not my home...I was made for more than all of this.

Yes I don't always act sick...if I acted sick then I would never get out of bed. Yes I smile and laugh a lot even in pain...why not? I'm going to make the best out of this life that God blessed me with. Don't judge how sick I am by the way I look or act!

random

So summer is here. And south carolina summers are HOT!!!

We are just a month away from my brother's wedding. This is all new to me...the last wedding I was in..well I was 4 and a flower girl. I'm so not a girly girl so the fancy dress etc is way new to me. And shopping for silver shoes to go with my bridesmaid dress....my idea of shoe shopping is looking for a new color of converse. Heck my idea of shopping is an afternoon at goodwill or books a million. Infact I had to be dragged out of BAM to look for shoes and help my mom find a dress.

When it comes down to it...I'm a simple country girl...ponytails, jeans and tshirts. Converse and flip flops.

I am way excited for the wedding though. Excited to be gaining a sister and to see my brother marrying such a wonderful girl. Very happy for them and excited for our family to grow. And yes this simple country girl is excited to get all dressed up for once.

Can't believe we've got almost everything done....including having made ellie's reservations at the doggy hotel.

Been under the weather. Was really sick about 3 weeks ago and have been slowly getting better. just finished levaquin and am still on steroids. Sitting here doing my neb treatments as I type. CF just will not loosen its grip on me. Thats okay...I'm happy and blessed beyond belief....take that CF! Whatever the future brings...my God is bigger than CF

Hope

Its hard to believe 7 years ago I graduated from high school. And got the best present...my dusty cat.

Its even harder to believe that 8 years ago I didn't even care if I lived. I was so depressed etc that I didn't even want to live. Since about age 13 I had been a "cutter"....I still bear those scars. I am glad to see that self injury gets more awareness now though its still highly misunderstood. I wasn't trying to kill myself....I just was so angry and had so much pain that I didn't know what to do with it. I was used to dealing with physical pain so it seemed easier to put my emotional pain into physical pain.

I look at my arms today and wonder what the heck was I thinking and how the heck am I still here. I do know the answer to the last question...GOD! There were times I was so low that the only explanation I have for not going through with suicide was God...He wasn't through with me! Anytime I ever doubt that God carries me in His arms everyday as it says in Psalms...I just remember those times

It would be far easier to remain quiet about my past....I am not proud of it. And there is A LOT that I don't share. But I share what I do to give others hope. Self Injury is something that only a very small percent of people are able to fully overcome. I have not cut in years...I have overcome it! Only by the grace of God.

God blessed me with an excellent Christian counselor who I saw for 6 years. He pointed me to God and told me how much God loves me and that He has great plans for me. Had I heard those things before? Yes...but not in the context of me personally....the generic "God loves you...Jesus loves you.

God has blessed me with doctors who have gotten my med combo perfect...though meds don't help with everything that I am dealing with. God has blessed me with a wonderful mom who drove me 2 hours each way to therapy and has held me in my darkest moments.

Today I look at my life and no, its not perfect. But its my life and I am learning to love it. Most importantly I love God and am learning to see myself as He sees me. I hated myself before...absolutely hated myself. Now I see that I am wonderfully and uniquely made.

The rape ripped everything open again but through the grace of God...I made it! I will admit that after about 3 years of not cutting that I slipped only a time or two which didn't surprise anyone after such a huge trauma. But I didn't fall back into it!

In the two years since the rape God has brought me so far. Its no longer so vivid that it seems like its happening now. I have come to understand even more God's love and grace. Have I forgiven the guy who did it to me? No not fully. Am I closer to it than 2 years ago? YES.

I have learned to take my eyes off my problems and put them on Jesus...thats when wonderful things and when healing occurs.

I put myself out there to give others hope. A troubled teen who didn't want to live and was dealing with finding out she had a fatal illness after being sick all her life to a young woman embracing God even after rape and who now sees her fatal illness as a blessing. THERE IS HOPE!

This is not even 10% of my story and like I say....theres a lot thats between me and God (and my old therapist). There is a lot I dont share...I believe some things just are better that way. Maybe one day.

ramblings

Boy I have really fallen behind on my blogging. I wish I could say it was because of a miraculous healing and I've just been way too busy.....but that would be a lie.

Most days to be perfectly honest....my breathing sucks. It takes a lot of albuterol and a lot of hypersal and a lot of airway clearance to keep me going. And I do mean lots of albuterol.

I've learned to make the most of everyday...if I feel really bad then I rest and watch movies, read, listen to music. When I feel better....then I do what I feel like. Hot weather is not a CFers friend...hoping to make it through the summer without the need for IV rehydration. I just lose so much salt when I sweat.

Okay thats the update...on to more interesting things.

My current favorite song is Blessings by Laura Story

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

I know for my life that those lyrics are way too true! We look for blessings to be shiny happy things. Good health, good weather, good "everything". I hear so many people say they are blessed with good health or a wonderful spouse or with big material things. They are blessed with their jobs and their finances etc.

We don't often hear people say that they are blessed with CF, cancer, depression etc. People don't say they blessed to be single or blessed to be homeless. Or blessed to be poor or jobless.

Why? Do we really think blessings can only come in the form of good things? Do we rely on God nearly as much when He "blesses" us with good things? Do we think much about Him when we are rich, healthy and happily married?

I am blessed...I am blessed with CF because through it God has shown me how to depend on Him. I am blessed by being single because I can focus all my attention on God. I am blessed to be jobless because I know who I am is so much more than my career.

Yes I said it. I am blessed. God has used my circumstances to bring me closer to Him than I ever have been. He has helped me through things I thought I would never get through. He has shown me that I am never alone. He has shown me I am so much more than someones spouse, a given career or what my income is.

I have learned to identify myself the way God sees me. Am I entirely successful? NO!!! Its a hard long process that I am working on. Face it the world measures success and identity by who we marry, what our career is and how much money we have it. Bad health is seen as a weakness.

I measure my success by my relationship with my God, my the difference I make in this world and by how bright my light shines.

Is this the life I would chose? NO! But then thats why we don't get to chose...God truly does know best.

And blessings come in all forms....not just the shiny happy neatly wrapped ones

thoughts

I've been kind of quiet. Maybe thats because I really don't know what to say.

What is there to say? My lungs are still crappy...all that is keeping me breathing and alive is all my breathing treatments and vest time. I've lost almost 20% of my lung function

I guess that sums up how the fight with CF is going.....

I know I kinda ignored one subject here on my blog.....that would the 2 year anniversary of "it" (sexual assault). Maybe I was hoping if I pretended it never happened that would make it go away. Maybe the stress of CF was getting to me. Whatever it was...its caught up with me now. March 14th...it was better this year because that weekend we were celebrating my beloved pop's 80th birthday.

I've learned so much these last few years. It really is the hard things in life that God uses to teach us. Thanks to the assault and thanks to my downturn in health from CF I've really learned to rely on God. I've learned how great it is to spend time in His word, singing praises to Him and just being in His presence. I've learned how important it is to hold on to the fact that in Christ I am a new creation. And to realize that I will not live one day longer or one day less than what He was planned for me. My days were numbered and ordained before I ever was born.

God has used my trials to shape me into the person He wants me to be. Not that its easy...but life isn't easy.

God is filling the places of shame in my heart with His grace and love, He's taking my fear and giving me peace,.

I've learned to say not that I blessed in spite of my trials but I am blessed because of them. I think of Jesus's parable about who rejoices more over being forgiven the person who has done little or the person who has done much.

We can't know peace until we have lived in turmoil. We don't know how to savor each day if we don't realize what a blessing each day is. We don't enjoy living fearlessly unless we've lived trapped by fear.

I have begun starting my days by making "this is the day the Lord has made,I will rejoice and be glad in it"...my first thought, the first thing I say. Followed by shouting that I belong to God. It makes a huge difference

My life isn't easy...I won't pretend that it is. Being a Christian doesn't mean we don't have troubles....if that was the case I wouldn't be dealing with sexual assault and wouldn't have been born with CF. Its knowing m Saviour has overcome this world, has overcome death.

John 16:33

³³ “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

14 days until......

My birthday!!! And Easter (IMO the most important holiday...Christmas does us no good without Easter)

26....I will be glad to leave 25 behind. So not a good year. As 26 comes I am dealing with and trying to accept new limitations and a downward spiral in health. I am just thankful everyday that I wake up...whether I feel good or not life is a wonderful gift.

My goals for 26:

Become closer to God than ever before
Be consistent in my Bible studying, prayer and journaling
Be more expressive and not as afraid to open up in my writing and painting etc
Stay as healthy as possible
Be the eccentric, fun, flamboyant person that I am...bring on the bright colors and the pink
Finish moving rooms and making my new room a haven
Be filled with JOY,PEACE and HOPE
focus more on others
enjoy everyday and live life to the fullest
spend more time thinking about my blessings than my troubles
learn atleast one new hobby/skill
Laugh more,

My bday wishlist was so bekah...pink converse and the old testament on CD. I have gotten both. No clue what else I want except to spend time with the ones I love...and a tbone