Maybe I was naive. Maybe I was just plain stupid or maybe I was just kidding myself I imagined after this hospitalization that I would come home perfectly controlled on meds and that my life would get right back to normal.
I didn't know it was to be a struggle of finding the right doseages, a neverending cycle of appointments with a psychiatrist, therapist and rape recovery counselor. I didn't know it was going to be a hard adjustment coming from a structured hospital setting to a self admitted unstructured family life. I didn't know I wasn't going to be as good as new. Nope that was just the start of this journey
Tuesday I turn 27 and this is the first year I have not been excited over my birthday. Yes I like my two pairs of converse, lounge chair and two DSi games (and yes that was really my wish list). Yes I will eat cake (yes I will get excited over cake :-). But am I excited? No. I just cannot work up much enthusiasm over
There are three times in my life that I would say have been the hardest ever. 1) the rape, 2) being diagnosed with cystic fibrosis and hearing the words "fatal" 3) these last few months.
We got more bad news a few weeks ago. I had a severe asthma attack and had to have a steroid shot and was put on prednisone. Had what the psych called a severe manic episode on them and we are having to search high and low for an alternative. My lungs need them but my brain can't handle them putting us in a very hard place. Just what I needed
I guess like it or not Life goes on I do know God must have some awesome plans for my life as many times as I've come close to not only dying but to taking my own life. I take no credit for still being here...its all God!
I know this post is brutally honest and maybe theres a reason for that. I think a lot people thought like I did. That this hospital stay "cured" me or that I came home a new person. I wish, I really wish but alas that was just the start of the journey For now I am seeing psychiatrist every 4 weeks, rape counselor and therapist once a week. Lots of appointments for lungs too to see what plan we can come up with that does not involve steroids. We're also working on making my days more structured and consistent
Life goes on....
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
one big leap for bekah
Today I took a very big step
I saw a counselor at the family justice center here (think rape crisis center but with more long term counseling). It went very well and I really liked her. This is huge because I have put off professional help since the rape but with recent events I think this is something I need to face and finally deal with and move forward from. No more victim for me
Friday I meet my counselor at the mental health center so we will see how that goes. I've already met m psychiatrist there and loved her. Now have to meet counselor and caseworker.
So slowly but surely things are happening for me. Little steps at a time but nonetheless steps forward
I saw a counselor at the family justice center here (think rape crisis center but with more long term counseling). It went very well and I really liked her. This is huge because I have put off professional help since the rape but with recent events I think this is something I need to face and finally deal with and move forward from. No more victim for me
Friday I meet my counselor at the mental health center so we will see how that goes. I've already met m psychiatrist there and loved her. Now have to meet counselor and caseworker.
So slowly but surely things are happening for me. Little steps at a time but nonetheless steps forward
Friday, April 13, 2012
My new passion
Raising awareness for cystic fibrosis is one of my top passions in addition to raising funds for research. My new passion is raising awareness for mental illness
I read a quote that really applies to this: True character is how you treat those who can do nothing for you
I challenge everyone, especially nurses and those in health care professions to remember that every person with depression,bipolar,schizophrenia etc is someones loved one...someones daughter, son, sister, brother, mother, father, or grandchild. That person is loved and valued by someone. Every patient experiencing a psychotic episode has someone who cares about them. How would you want them treated if it was your loved one? Or if it was yourself? You would compassion, respect and most of all people to keep you safe...not to make it worse
Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and be kept safe whether they suffer from any illness or are perfectly healthy
People with mental illness are first and foremost PEOPLE! And deserve to be treated as such. Most people with mental illness have high IQs and are very intelligent and creative people....those seem to be common traits among those who suffer depression, bipolar etc. So mental illness does not equal dymb. It also does not equal crazy. I like to say there is mental illness and then there is just plain crazy...one can be treated and one can't! But no matter what a person is a person no matter how small!
I read a quote that really applies to this: True character is how you treat those who can do nothing for you
I challenge everyone, especially nurses and those in health care professions to remember that every person with depression,bipolar,schizophrenia etc is someones loved one...someones daughter, son, sister, brother, mother, father, or grandchild. That person is loved and valued by someone. Every patient experiencing a psychotic episode has someone who cares about them. How would you want them treated if it was your loved one? Or if it was yourself? You would compassion, respect and most of all people to keep you safe...not to make it worse
Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and be kept safe whether they suffer from any illness or are perfectly healthy
People with mental illness are first and foremost PEOPLE! And deserve to be treated as such. Most people with mental illness have high IQs and are very intelligent and creative people....those seem to be common traits among those who suffer depression, bipolar etc. So mental illness does not equal dymb. It also does not equal crazy. I like to say there is mental illness and then there is just plain crazy...one can be treated and one can't! But no matter what a person is a person no matter how small!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
it really is an illness....
Being home hasn't been all sunshine and roses. The adjustment from an extremely controlled enviroment where I was literally NEVER alone and was watched 24/7 for most of the days I was there to home where though I have a tight knit family noone can be with me 24/7. The enviroment is not controlled...there are pill bottles, knives, razors and assorted sharp objects. I'm in charge of my medication...noone is there to make me take it or remind me to take it
I was also with people who were like me and people who understood people like me. I've been blessed with a wonderfully supportive family and friends but there are always people who don't get it.
Depression is an illness! Serotonin is as real as insulin and I don't see anyone denying that diabetes is an illness! Yes there are non medicine ways to treat depression just like diet can treat diabetes or airway clearance can help CF but anyone with true depression is going to need meds too
Its taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I am not a freak, a loser, weak, not Christian enough etc. Yes I've heard all those things at one time or another. I am sick. Just like CF makes me sick, depression makes me sick. If my serotonin levels were anywhere near normal I would be dead from serotonin overload syndrome from all the meds I'm on...thats proof enough for me that it is a chemical imbalance.
Yes other factors play in and can worsen depression but at its core its a chemical imbalance.
And a lot of people don't get that. I'm not weak, I'm not a bad Christian, I'm not a freak. I am sick. I can't help it. I can try my hardest to make improvements, work hard in therapy but nothing can cure the imbalance of chemicals.
I've become an outspoken voice for depression and other mental illness because I hate to see others go without treatment due to lack of support or the stigma associated with it. I am very outspoken about my battles, mostly in hopes that other people will see they aren't alone and that maybe just maybe I will inspire one person to get the help they need
I was also with people who were like me and people who understood people like me. I've been blessed with a wonderfully supportive family and friends but there are always people who don't get it.
Depression is an illness! Serotonin is as real as insulin and I don't see anyone denying that diabetes is an illness! Yes there are non medicine ways to treat depression just like diet can treat diabetes or airway clearance can help CF but anyone with true depression is going to need meds too
Its taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I am not a freak, a loser, weak, not Christian enough etc. Yes I've heard all those things at one time or another. I am sick. Just like CF makes me sick, depression makes me sick. If my serotonin levels were anywhere near normal I would be dead from serotonin overload syndrome from all the meds I'm on...thats proof enough for me that it is a chemical imbalance.
Yes other factors play in and can worsen depression but at its core its a chemical imbalance.
And a lot of people don't get that. I'm not weak, I'm not a bad Christian, I'm not a freak. I am sick. I can't help it. I can try my hardest to make improvements, work hard in therapy but nothing can cure the imbalance of chemicals.
I've become an outspoken voice for depression and other mental illness because I hate to see others go without treatment due to lack of support or the stigma associated with it. I am very outspoken about my battles, mostly in hopes that other people will see they aren't alone and that maybe just maybe I will inspire one person to get the help they need
Thursday, March 22, 2012
depression is a beast...
I've been through a lot with my lungs. I've struggled to breathe, gasped for air, coughed until I puked and have been at times unable to walk to the bathroom without becoming extremely short of breath. I've spent hours hooked to a nebulizer and vest machine. I've been hooked to oxygen..
All that to say that I would take cystic fibrosis over depression any day of the week
The suffocating feeling that everyone around you would be better off without you. Being in so much pain inside that hurting yourself is the only thing that relieves it. Wanting to die so that you aren't trapped in your mind. And then I see how I upset my family and feel 1000x worse and add guilt to the list of my emotions
I've suffered from depression since my teen years. Anxiety too. I started cutting when I was barely a teenager. I started my first anti-depressant...Paxil...at age 18. I've taken Paxil, Prozac, Zoloft, Effexor, Wellbutrin, celexa, lexapro etc. Unfortunatly my depression is extremely hard to treat and the only SSRI that I even marginally respond to is prozac..I'm maxed out on it at 80mg
If you've never suffered from depression...then thank God! It truly is one of the worst things I have dealt with. Making it even worse is there is so little help out there outpatient wise for mental illnesses. Things like art therapy, recreational therapy and pet therapy exist only in hospitals. Outpatient the most offered is medication management and talk therapy.
Noone will come out and say it but I'm being treated like someone with bipolar depression...noone will diagnose me as such officially but its been mentioned
Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning...I feel like I have cement blocks strapped on me and just can't surface. I fight and fight but can't come back up for air. Thats what depression feels like to me
Its hard to ask for help. Really hard. Sometimes it seems easier to kill yourself than ask for help.
My new combo of meds is working though and I am feeling the best I have felt in probably a year. I'm enjoying life, I'm laughing, I don't have thoughts of wanting to die or hurt myself. I'm actually happy for once that I am alive! This to me is a miracle!
All that to say that I would take cystic fibrosis over depression any day of the week
The suffocating feeling that everyone around you would be better off without you. Being in so much pain inside that hurting yourself is the only thing that relieves it. Wanting to die so that you aren't trapped in your mind. And then I see how I upset my family and feel 1000x worse and add guilt to the list of my emotions
I've suffered from depression since my teen years. Anxiety too. I started cutting when I was barely a teenager. I started my first anti-depressant...Paxil...at age 18. I've taken Paxil, Prozac, Zoloft, Effexor, Wellbutrin, celexa, lexapro etc. Unfortunatly my depression is extremely hard to treat and the only SSRI that I even marginally respond to is prozac..I'm maxed out on it at 80mg
If you've never suffered from depression...then thank God! It truly is one of the worst things I have dealt with. Making it even worse is there is so little help out there outpatient wise for mental illnesses. Things like art therapy, recreational therapy and pet therapy exist only in hospitals. Outpatient the most offered is medication management and talk therapy.
Noone will come out and say it but I'm being treated like someone with bipolar depression...noone will diagnose me as such officially but its been mentioned
Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning...I feel like I have cement blocks strapped on me and just can't surface. I fight and fight but can't come back up for air. Thats what depression feels like to me
Its hard to ask for help. Really hard. Sometimes it seems easier to kill yourself than ask for help.
My new combo of meds is working though and I am feeling the best I have felt in probably a year. I'm enjoying life, I'm laughing, I don't have thoughts of wanting to die or hurt myself. I'm actually happy for once that I am alive! This to me is a miracle!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
home sweet home!
Its not secret to those of you who are friends with me on facebook that I just spent 8 days inpatient for depression treatment.
It started with a doctor's visit. Let me just say I knew going to that doctor's appointment what was going to happen. I seriously wanted to die, wanted to hurt myself. I knew I needed to be somewhere where I could watched 24/7. Anyway my doctor sent me across the street to the WCH ER where I stayed for 14 hours. It took that long for the pysch eval and placement. I was placed at a facility called the lighthouse
I have nothing but good things to say about that facility and the staff! My doctor and therapist were awesome, the mental health techs, nurses and recreational therapist were awesome too.
When you get there you are placed on "LOS" (line of sight) for 24hrs. lin of sight means you have to be in the sight of a staff member at all times I got off of it saturday and ended up back on it saturday night-thursday. Yes I had some freak outs but I really learned how to calm myself down. I learned lots of coping skills and about expressing myself in healthy ways. I made lots of friends and by the time I left all the staff knew me by name and everyone hugged me goodbye
I really needed that. I needed the structure, I needed the intensive therapy and being around others like me.
I'm on seroquel, geodon, prozac, lamictal, buspar, doxepin and ambien ( seroquel, ambien and doxepin for sleep, geodon for the urges to hurt myself, lamictal for mood swings, buspar for anxiety, prozac for depression). Its aall really helping. I feel better than I have in months!
I have follow up appointments here in town tuesday. My diagnosis is still major depression (treatment resistant) but I'm on all the meds that someone biplar would be on
I was dreading being inpatient but really it was not bad. It was hard but I knew I needed to be there. I think it was harder on my parents than on me! Last saturday night was hard on all of us when they came for visitation and then left without me. They weren't there when I was transported from the ER to the lighthouse so that was the first time they had seen me since the ER
I think the longest part of the whole ordeal was the 14hrs in the ER!
It started with a doctor's visit. Let me just say I knew going to that doctor's appointment what was going to happen. I seriously wanted to die, wanted to hurt myself. I knew I needed to be somewhere where I could watched 24/7. Anyway my doctor sent me across the street to the WCH ER where I stayed for 14 hours. It took that long for the pysch eval and placement. I was placed at a facility called the lighthouse
I have nothing but good things to say about that facility and the staff! My doctor and therapist were awesome, the mental health techs, nurses and recreational therapist were awesome too.
When you get there you are placed on "LOS" (line of sight) for 24hrs. lin of sight means you have to be in the sight of a staff member at all times I got off of it saturday and ended up back on it saturday night-thursday. Yes I had some freak outs but I really learned how to calm myself down. I learned lots of coping skills and about expressing myself in healthy ways. I made lots of friends and by the time I left all the staff knew me by name and everyone hugged me goodbye
I really needed that. I needed the structure, I needed the intensive therapy and being around others like me.
I'm on seroquel, geodon, prozac, lamictal, buspar, doxepin and ambien ( seroquel, ambien and doxepin for sleep, geodon for the urges to hurt myself, lamictal for mood swings, buspar for anxiety, prozac for depression). Its aall really helping. I feel better than I have in months!
I have follow up appointments here in town tuesday. My diagnosis is still major depression (treatment resistant) but I'm on all the meds that someone biplar would be on
I was dreading being inpatient but really it was not bad. It was hard but I knew I needed to be there. I think it was harder on my parents than on me! Last saturday night was hard on all of us when they came for visitation and then left without me. They weren't there when I was transported from the ER to the lighthouse so that was the first time they had seen me since the ER
I think the longest part of the whole ordeal was the 14hrs in the ER!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
3 years....
March 14th will be 3 years since the rape. So I figured I'd do a where I've been and where I'm going 3 year post. Cause right now I'm just feeling uncreative
3 years. Its a long time! Unfortunatly sometimes it seems just like yesterday. This time every year I start having major issues. I start having thoughts of hurting myself...which thanks to lots of therapy I have the self control not to do and better coping skills. However it manifests in other ways...not sleeping, being irritable, eating too much or too little, not wanting to get out of bed, crying all the time, anger issues, not wanting to go crowded places, anxiety and panic attacks, not wanting to be alone. Yep that describes me right now. Thanks to some med changes, the wonders of xanax and ambien things are a little better. *note to self NEVER take lunesta again!*
Of course God always comes through and He has blessed with a now 15 pound, 9 week old Abby :-) So I have to get out of bed (see how sneaky God can be?) and outside and have to be active. She's given me something to hold on to and something to wake up to each morning
3 years is not long enough in my opinion. Not long enough to heal, especially not long enough to forget (which I don't think you ever do). But looking back I can see some positive changes. I have stayed by myself at night. I have become more comfortable when I am out in public no longer reduced to sitting on the bench in walmart in tears on the phone with my mom (just a few weeks after the rape). I no longer live in fear of the guy who did it. I refuse to give control to him
I've proved myself to be stronger than I ever thought I could be. I think most of that strength comes from faith and hope. I've proved myself to be a fighter. I've proved myself not to be a quitter.
Will I ever totally get over it? Who knows. Will I ever totally get off of meds and be able to live a depression/anxiety/PTSD life? I don't know. If not I'll make the best of what I have.
What I have found is the healing journey is not a straight road. There are curves, wrong turns, dead ends and misread signs. Sometimes its 2 steps forward, 3 back. Sometimes its the reverse. But its not a straight road. I have also found everything worth it in this life requires effort! I get nowhere by not trying. I'd rather fail and end up 3 steps back than to never try
3 years. Its a long time! Unfortunatly sometimes it seems just like yesterday. This time every year I start having major issues. I start having thoughts of hurting myself...which thanks to lots of therapy I have the self control not to do and better coping skills. However it manifests in other ways...not sleeping, being irritable, eating too much or too little, not wanting to get out of bed, crying all the time, anger issues, not wanting to go crowded places, anxiety and panic attacks, not wanting to be alone. Yep that describes me right now. Thanks to some med changes, the wonders of xanax and ambien things are a little better. *note to self NEVER take lunesta again!*
Of course God always comes through and He has blessed with a now 15 pound, 9 week old Abby :-) So I have to get out of bed (see how sneaky God can be?) and outside and have to be active. She's given me something to hold on to and something to wake up to each morning
3 years is not long enough in my opinion. Not long enough to heal, especially not long enough to forget (which I don't think you ever do). But looking back I can see some positive changes. I have stayed by myself at night. I have become more comfortable when I am out in public no longer reduced to sitting on the bench in walmart in tears on the phone with my mom (just a few weeks after the rape). I no longer live in fear of the guy who did it. I refuse to give control to him
I've proved myself to be stronger than I ever thought I could be. I think most of that strength comes from faith and hope. I've proved myself to be a fighter. I've proved myself not to be a quitter.
Will I ever totally get over it? Who knows. Will I ever totally get off of meds and be able to live a depression/anxiety/PTSD life? I don't know. If not I'll make the best of what I have.
What I have found is the healing journey is not a straight road. There are curves, wrong turns, dead ends and misread signs. Sometimes its 2 steps forward, 3 back. Sometimes its the reverse. But its not a straight road. I have also found everything worth it in this life requires effort! I get nowhere by not trying. I'd rather fail and end up 3 steps back than to never try
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