feelings lie

So today has been a "blah" day today....its 6:30 and all I want to do is crawl into bed

Its days like today I try to remember feelings vs truth (and a big thanks to the awesome randy hiatt for this lesson...one of the many things I learned during therapy with him)

Even if I feel like God doesn't love me, like the whole world is against me and everyone hates me....feeling those things doesn't make them true. Its time like this that you have to fall back onto knowledge. I know God loves me, I know he fearfully and wonderfully made me and that all things work together for good for those that know him. I know these things because the Bible tells me these things and I believe the Bible is THE word of God.

I know the world isn't against me and noone hates me because I can look at all the support...the notes, emails and facebook comments and see that I am very much loved and supported

Emotions are fickle...ask any teenage girl or pmsing woman! THey change frequently. We have to build our lives on what we know to be true and not what we feel. This is especially true I have found with God...because we won't always have those fuzzy God loves emotions. Things will be tough, we will sometimes feel like he has left us...thats when we rely on what we know and we know He never leaves us

A conversation you don't hear everyday...

This was in Walgreens....in the hair dye aisle

Me: Do you think I'd look good as a redhead?

My mom: Why would you want to dye your hair?

Me: Midlife crisis

My mom: You're just turning 25, a little young for a midlife crisis

me: Yeah but I might not live long enough to have one when I'm supposed to I'm having one now..and being optimistic that 25 is my midlife and I'll see 50. Besides it would be awful to die without a midlife crisis and I want to make sure I get one

my mom: okay so we'll have mother/daughter midlife crisises now

Yes we're weird and I know other CF families reading this will appreciate it most. I can only imagine what others in walgreens thought. for what its worth my hair is still brown. I think red is too tame for me...maybe blue or purple

A year has now passed...ramblings

I think we all know evil exists. Even kids. I can still vividly remember being terrified in the early 90s watching the news when the "lowcountry serial rapist"(duncan proctor) was on the prowl. Heck I can remember when he was caught and how relieved I was. I was only 5-7 years old when he was terrorizing Charleston (over an hour away from my sleepy little town). I sure didn't know what a rapist was but I knew he was an evil man. Sure that was again brought up as I watched the oklahoma city bombings, columbine and 9/11.

But there is a HUGE difference in knowing evil exists and meeting it first hand. Its terrible hearing evil on the news or to hear other people talk about it...its another when the evil happens to you. When for a while you are staring into the eyes of the closest thing to a devil you will see on earth.

A year passed March 14 since the assault. How I wish I was still that 7 year old who didn't know what a rapist was! March 14 brought lots of memories, feelings and the need for xanax. It amazes me (in a bad way!) how much the body as well as the mind remembers

I wish I could say that I trust in God and therefore everything is okay. I do trust in God...I'm holding tight to Him but I've realized that just means he gives the courage and strength to get through the hard stuff not that he takes it away so we never face anything tough. And maybe its during those tough times we realize He is our everything and learn to hold on tight.

I never want to be a victim, I'm getting sick of being a survivor...I just want to be who I was before. And I will never be her again...I'm coming to terms with that. I'm trying to find the new me and I guess like it or not the new me is a rape survivor

So....

I've been at a loss for words lately...very unusual for me.

As the one year anniversary of the attack is getting closer , I have started thinking about the journey of the last year. I found an Abraham Lincoln quote that I hope describes it..."I may walk slowly but I never walk backwards". While sometimes I have walked extremely slow on this healing journey and sometimes have stalled, I hope that I never walked backwards.

Sometimes I doubt that. As it comes upon one year I find myself once again uncomfortable being alone, uncomfortable outside unless Ellie is with me, uncomfortable in the dark and 100% unwilling to be alone at night. Some of these throughout the year had gotten better but as the 1 year mark looms they have come back. I don't think the mind or body ever forgets the day and I tend to think my body is reacting to that. Sounds funny but it really goes with whats been going on over the last few weeks

Oddly enough I have found myself unable to write, journal etc. I just can't find words to describe what is going on inside me

Do i wish what happened had not happened? YES! Do I see that its shaping me into who I am going to be and has helped me develop not only myself but has drawn me closer to God
\
I am reading Joni Eareckson Tada's latest book and one chapter on prayer stood out and that was about how God understands when we just cannot pray, when we cannot find the words...when our prayers are limited to "help me God". That He understands, that He listens, he reads between the lines. Such a comfort to me in times like this last week or so when try as I might no prayer or atleast understandable prayer would come out...God knows what I meant, He knows I was trying\

As these weeks go by and March 14th comes..pray for me. For strength. For my anxiety to lessen. For me to face the day head on and well just pray

10 months

Today has been exactly 10 months since "IT" happened.

Let me just say...time heals all wounds is so false. Its been a rollercoaster of a 10 months. Some days it feels like it was years ago, some days it feels like it was yesterday. Some images don't fade and I doubt I ever forget his face

In some wyas its harder now than it was right after it happened. Loads of people were there for me then but as time goes on, people move on...they forget...they are afraid to bring it up....they think I should have moved on. So now its me, God, my blog, my journal and my golden retriever on this long hard journey

I know healing can and will come but it takes time....way more time than people think. Rape is a life changing, traumatizing thing.

Sometimes it just feels like life is never going to give me a break. As if major health issues weren't enough lets add rape to the list of things to go wrong in rebekah's life. Sorry for the temporary pity party.....prednisone

Seriously though...I am not over, it still haunts me every day. I am working through it but it is a very lonely journey

Random facts about moi

So I'm tired and uncreative tonight so sue me ;-)

So here are some random facts about me.............

Pink is my favorite color
I love butterflies...something so spiritual and symbolic about them...butterflies are a special thing between me and God.
I also love dolphins
Ham and pineapple pizza is my favorite food
I love music
I read all the time
I love to write and have been told I'm very gifted at it
I've been called a genius....take that as you will
People fascinate me...I love to hear people's stories and learning things about people
I'm a Christian though I don't really identify with any particular denomination. I'm just a Christian :-)
NCIS is my favorite show...you could say I'm slightly obsessed
I'm a guitar hero addict
I love buttered popcorn jelly bellies
I hosted Burke P bear as part of Burke's Tour
I very much believe in angels and that God gives us each a guardian angel
Ben Hur, Redeeming love and Ender's game are my favorite books
I'm very sentimental
I'm a little too empathetic and sensitive
I've seen every episode of ER
Ellie my golden retriever is my best friend
I quote movies and NCIS all the time
Happy Bunny is cool
I raised my cat Dusty from an orphaned 3wk old kitten
I collect crosses...I didn't start out to but it just kinda happened and well the Cross is such an important symbol
I like to sleep

God, Cats and Angels

Yeah I know how are those 3 things related?

Lets go back a few years, before Dusty. I found a stray kitten..she was a tortoise shell, long haired and just gorgeous. So sweet. THE most loving cat I have ever met. There was truly something special about her. And I found her at a really rough time for me. I started calling her my angel and I still think she might have been one..she was surely sent by God! Some really strange things happened...another cat that would come up and sit with pumpkin but after pumpkin was killed we never saw the other cat again

Anyway poor Pumpkin got hit by a car. I know, I know angels don't die but still the angel could have taken the form of a cat and left before Pumpkin got hit..making it just a regular kitty who died. Or thats my theory

I love my Dusty kitty but Pumpkin was the most unusual cat I have ever met. Even everyone at the vet's office agreed to that

Back to the present. I have been feeling really lonely lately and obviously having a hard time with everything that has happened.

I happened to look out my window today and saw a cat that looked just like pumpkin sitting on a brick wall. I went to take some food out to the kitty. The cat even had the same markings on her face. And she dissapeared just as mysteriously as she appeared

I fully believe that was God's way of telling me He is with me and He loves...that I'm not alone ad that I'm His precious child. No doubt that was a message from Him. A way of telling me things will be okay

seeing that cat sent shivers down my spine!