poetry

Darkness comes
Fear it brings
What lurks
Around the bend
scared to death
shaking crying
praying for the
morning light

Scars
A reminder of the past
When I try to forget
Scars ensure I never will
Always a part of me
I can move on
But I can never forget

He knows my pain
He holds me close
My saviour loves me
No matter what
As I cry He
Wipes away my tears
When He sees
my scarred arms
He holds out his
nail scarred hands

Rape
A 4 letter word
So small
Yet so powerful
A 4 letter word
that turned my life
upside down
A word that will
forever be
a part of me

Butterfly Butterfly
Don't you want to fly
you're not meant to stay
on the ground
oh no you are meant
to soar
Trust me.
Spread thos wings
and fly, my precious
butterfly. I created
you for better things
I gave you wings to fly
so come on and soar
my butterfly

Darkness comes
She no longer sees in color
Her world is dark
Shadows loom in her mind
Ghosts of past haunt
Memories of yesterday
Hold her prisoner

Hope
without it we have nothing
with it we have everything
noone can steal our hope
it may get buried, hid or broken
But its always ours to find
when we find that hope
nothing is impossible

ranting

Yes this is a rant and yes it may get controversial but I need to write this

I have noticed two things...there is a lack of christian resources for rape survivors and those dealing with mental illness. I also have noticed when surfing christian sites even ones like crosswalk rape is not mentioned and mental illness is talked about as a lack of faith.

People who have no issue with going to the doctor for a cold or taking insulin for diabetes consider going to therapy or taking anti-depressants a lack of faith. People who want murderers and robbers punished blame rape victims. Rape victims are often treated as criminals.

Antidepressants saved my life. I fully believe God worked through my doctor and those meds. In the year from my rape to starting seroquel....its amazing I survived. I saw the world in black and white....all the color was gone. I had nightmares. I used a nightlight. I was scared of my own shadow. Didn't want to leave the house. Slept in the hall with Ellie. Now I see in color...I am in a place where I can concentrate on healing. No those meds aren't a miracle but they greatly help. My years of therapy have also helped. God has worked through those medications, my therapist, my doctor.

Would you tell someone with cancer to not undergo chemo? or someone with diabetes to not take insulin? So why tell someone with depression, anxiety or PTSD to not take anti-depressants, anti-pyschotics or whatever

This time last year I was suicidal, flashbacks ruled my life and it seemed like residential treatment was the only option. This year I am still struggling but I am not a danger to myself and I have hope

Christians get raped, they get depression, they suffer PTSD. And they shouldn't have to hide or be afraid of the response of other Christians. THey should be accepted in their churches and prayed for and over just as those with cancer, heart disease etc are.

Those issues impact my life as much as my cystic fibrosis, heart issues etc except that I fight depression and PTSD on my own. I am overcoming rape on my own.

Learn from me. Dont hide. And don't treat people like me as heathens with no faith.

randomness

I am bored and figured this could interesting. the 25 random facts is going around facebook again...I'm gonna see how many random facts I can think of

1. I have this thing for funky socks

2. I have this thing for funky pj pants

3. I am a christian

4. I love books

5. Butterflies are really special to me

6. I like monkeys

7. I write

8. I sleep with a stuffed monkey who has a friendship necklace with a butterfly and an aromatherapy pouch

9. I've been stuck so many times for blood draws and IVs that I'm running out of veins

10. I'm probably radioactive from all the xrays

11. I am a rape survivor

12. pink is my favorite color

13. I love nature

14. I have this thing for hats and kerchiefs

15. I lose things all the time

16. I love music

17. I sing at the top of my lungs when I am alone

18. I read fast

19. I am a slob

20. I hate scooping the litter box

21. ham and pineapple pizza is my favorite food

22. I love thrift store shopping

23. I am terrified of grasshoppers

24. I have brother and a soon to be sister in law

25. I only have 1 first cousin

26. I want a pet goat

27. I rarely wear jewelry but I have a ton

28. I prefer silver over gold

29. my birthstone is diamond but rubies are my favorite

30. I can be quite silly and funny

when your heart hurts.....

Today is just one of those days. maybe its the lack of oxygen to the brain cells or PMS or whatever. Maybe its just a bad day. I don't know

What I do know is my heart hurts. I look back and wish I could get a refund for the last 2.5 years. I'm sick of having to deal with the effects of the actions of someone else (the assault), I'm sick of not being able to control my emotions some days even with the best medication...that usually works but days like this things just spin out of control. I'm sick of lungs that don't work, stomach that hurts, a heart that beats too fast.

I hate myself for taking things out on the people I love. I hate myself for thinking some of the thoughts I think. I hate myself for feeling like a freak.

Its times like this I cling to what I know and not what I feel. Or atleast I try to. Trying to march on. To keep moving forward. To hold on to Jesus

I need some gummi worms

Cause they would go perfectly with my pity party. Really its been a rough week. Sunday night bad coughing fits and after finally got those stopped my heart rate started soaring and I almost passed out. Yesterday I was so weak from everything that I could barely get out of bed.

Last night started coughing bad again. This time there was a little blood though. I don't know how one pair of lungs can have so much junk in them. Anyway coughing stopped but I kept waking up every hour or two needing ventolin.

Slept all morning and have been fighting the nausea all day. Ensure and yogurt are all I've had.

I don't mean to complain....but I do want to give a picture of what life with CF is like

Awaiting my heart doctor appointment next tuesday and hoping for some answers. And then hoping my pulmo has something new up his sleeve...he's always one for thinking outside the box so hopefully he has some ideas. He and the heart doctor are in the same practice so hopefully they have discussed me

I was a bad girl and ran out of atrovent and never got it refilled. Finally refilled it today so hopefully that will help with the breathing!

I'm just frustrated. Like I asked my mom..."what if this is as good as it gets"? Her answer is we'll deal and learn to accomodate my new needs. Did I mention I have awesome parents?

I admit I am scared. Somehow the combo of heart problems and worsening cystic fibrosis lung disease don't seem like a good combo.

I'm holding on to God and know He's holding me in His hand. "oh no you never let go through the calm and through the storm, oh no you never let go, lord you never let go of me"

I'm trusting He will give me strength and courage to face whatever my future holds.

That doesn't mean I can't cry though!

life goes on

We still really don't have any answers. Is this just a flare? Is this a permanent decline? Is some of it heart related? We don't know. I go back to cardiologist in 1.5 weeks...hopefully for a diagnosis and plan. After that its pulmonology time.

I am back on doxycycline...I don't think the infection got totally gone and has reared its ugly head again. Doxy worked wonderful and quick last time so hoping and praying for the same this time.

Right now my life is all about meds....juggling what time to take what. Spending hours a day hooked up to tubing and machines. But I'm just happy to be alive and home. I thank God for things such as the vest that make my life easier and make me more independant. And for portable nebulizers and acapellas that make me more portable!

More than anything this has really brought me to rely on God. I don't know whats going to happen, I know CF is terminal and will kill me unless something else does first. I don't know what my prognosis is right now. I do know this is the sickest I have ever been

Really I've had to come to terms with the fact that I do have a terminal illness...unless something else kills me first CF will kill me. I will get sicker. I've come face to face with my own mortality. I've come face to face with dealing with issues such as taking medicine that makes me feel worse even if it could prolong my life some. I'm willing to try anything but I want a QUALITY of life! Not just quantity. And given the choice I will choose quality every time.

I've had to learn to pace myself. I can run errands but thats all I can do in a day. I can go to church but once again thats it for me. I've had to give up control and let my parents take care of Ellie some. Neither thing has been easy!

I trust God....I know He has plans for me and He knows the number of days I will live. He knows everything. Even when things don't make sense I have to trust Him. I know He has been with me every step of the way. Faith is easy when things are going good....its the tough times that really push it and make it stronger. I know my God has a plan! He is bigger than CF, heart problems, depression and even death. I'm not afraid of dying...I'm really not. I wasn't made for this world...this is not my home.

I had the experience of being really depressed yesterday. So I prayed...and I prayed for a sign, something to show me that God is still holding me tight. A few hours later I took Ellie out and saw a beautiful orange butterfly that proceeded to almost land on me and continued to follow me around all the way back to the door. I know that was my answer.

Its been a week...or I'm gonna start forwarding my mail to the hospital

Okay so hit the Er last thursday...spent 6hrs getting fluids, IV zofran, mega breathing treatments and having tests done. Got sent home. Back friday....more fluids, more zofran, more breathing treatments and IV steroids. 6hrs again. They were really on the fence about letting me go but did. Said if it got worse to come back to be admitted.

Saturday early morning...back this time with bags packed. More tests, oxygen, IV steroids, breathing treatments and chest percussion therapy with a percussor. Oh and IV zofran. Changed my antibiotics and doxycycline must have been the magic one because after a few doses I had no fever. T

Diagnosis CF flare, asthma flare and "regular" bronchitis.

So they finally let me go at 1pm monday. There are now concerns about my heart rate and oxygen levels though. So I see a cardiologist tuesday and then am getting an appointment with my pulmo. Already seen my family doctor who I think if she had her way would have kept me in a little longer.

I am still having major trouble with nausea and living on phenergan and a very limited diet. And having issues staying hydrated. I've been told to eat anything I want...just get food in and to drink anything I want as long as it has no caffeine....even all the sprite I want! And yet I've been to sick to enjoy being told those things

I have to say that my hospital stay went good...as good as it does for anyone. I was concerned with my anxiety issues and all that it would be really rough. Not so. Everyone was fantastic to me...from the RT to the nurses to the doctors to the CNAs to the dietician. Everyone was knowledgable about cystic fibrosis. It was a good experience...not one I really want t o repeat anytime soon haha but atleast I know I can make it through a hospital stay emotionally. This being my first in quite awhile.

I think the whole ER, respiratory therapy and 3rd floor know me by name at this point.

Glad to be home and hoping some of the upcoming appointments can shed some light on things