I haven't blogged since early october...A LOT has happened since then! I've had a suicide attempt which led to 3 1/2 hospital stay to get me stable and a 12 day psych hospital stay at MUSC. I just got discharged last wednesday after an 8 day stay at MUSC. I have to yet to unpack...I think subconsciously I think I'm going to admitted again when I go to my appointment next week

Let me just say if you've never had the pleasure of being in a psychiatric hospital you are missing a very interesting and vital experience lol. Really though I could write a book about it and not have to make up anything...just change a few names and voila.

I'm being seen at MUSC weekly as an outpatient now too and hopefully will get into a dbt (dialectal behaviour therapy) group which also meets once a week.

I actually have a diagnosis that makes since! Borderline personality disorder. The best description I have read of BPD is like...The difference is in the intensity of how they feel those emotions. Marsha Linehan, PhD, the founder of dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), compares those with BPD to third-degree burn victims: “Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.” What might just be a small slight for you might mean off-the-charts upset for your partner.

Anyway BPD is one of the most severe mental illnesses and used to be thought to be almost untreatable. Nowadays with intensive individual and group therapy particularly DBT and medications is it manageable and even possible for it to go into remission. But it takes a lot of hard work, commitment from the patient and patient's family etc. So now I will be getting the correct kind of therapy  etc which hopefully will help. In some ways I feel way more hopeful having this diagnosis but in other ways I feel like I can't do this! It was easier when depression or bipolar were being considered because they are all chemical in most cases so medication is the main treatment...with BPD therapy is the main treatment which means I have to put in a whole lot more work! Medications help control symptoms of BPD but do not treat the underlying cause.

Unfortunatly I have started cutting again and have done it a lot....I know better...I know better coping skills etc but cutting gives QUICK relief with very little effort so of course when I am overwhelmed with all these intense and painful feelings I want to cut. Its easy to list coping skills, to try other coping skills and relaxation exercises...especially during a hospital stay or therapy session but a whole lot harder at home when everything around you and inside you is crumbling and falling apart.

For right now I am trying to take it just a day at a time...sometimes its more like an hour at a time! I am very thankful for MUSC and their doctors...I'm a lot better off now than I was this time last year...I'm so thrilled to have a concrete diagnosis and some hope that things can get better! MUSC has also done wonders with my medicine and getting me on the right doses and right drugs and I actually feel like my psychiatrist cares about me.

scars

Its no secret that this last year has been hell for me. I can say that I have hit rock bottom and survived.

I survived but unfortunatly am left with the scars....physical and emotional and spiritually. My left wrist is very scarred from cutting (my upper arm has been for years....this last year is the first time I have ever cut my wrists). I don't know that they are so noticeable to anyone but me...but I know they are there and have to look at them every day

I will be perfectly honest that there were times that I found myself sitting on the floor with bottles of pills trying to work up the nerve to take them all. Right before my hospitalization I went to cut my wrists in an attempt to kill myself and chickened out cutting just enough to bleed.

As for the emotional scars. I have been through hell. I have seen and experienced things that noone should have to experience! What I've shared about my journey over the last year is just a tiny part of what has happened. I thought being raped was the worst thing that could ever happen...and it still is but some  of my experiences rival it.  I also have to live with what this year has done to my family. Its not just me that has suffered...my whole family...parents, grandparents, brother and SIL...they have all suffered with me...watching my pain and being totally unable to help. I can't imagine my parents pain.

As for spiritual pain....I believe in God and Jesus and always will but I admit this last year has brought up some doubts and questions. My views have drastically changed on a lot of things. Sometimes I wonder if God can love someone like me....I look at my scarred wrists and wonder if He can still love me or I am unloveable. I don't feel "good enough" to be a Christian. Then I wonder WHY. WHY me? Depression, CF, rape, PTSD, going through hell this last year. Why me? One of those things would have been plenty. I always come back to the big God question...Why is there such suffering in this world...if God loves us then when why does He sit back and watch all this crap happen to us? Why doesn't He stop it? I'm probably not putting all this into words very well. Its not that I think I don't deserve this but other people do...I don't think anyone deserves to suffer. I just wonder. My parents watch me suffer and wish they do something, ANYTHING to stop the pain. Well God must feel the same...except He CAN do something about it and doesn't. Thats what I struggle with. What good has this last year accomplished? Nothing that I can see. I don't see how God can work...rape, depression, a fatal illness and a nervous breakdown for good. Was He watching during the rape or did He turn His head from me? So I guess my issue is with Him being all knowing and Him having plans for us. THese are the plans He has for me? Which then leads me to think that maybe I am not good enough and thats why these things happen to me. Where was He during my 8 days of psychiatric hospitalization? So yes all this has shaken my faith. Nothing will ever make me not believe in God or Jesus...its just questioning His goodness, His plans and His allknowingness

I am not the person I was a year ago..for better or worse. I'm more jaded and cynical. More suspicious of people. I'm a lot more lonely...people drop you like flies when they find out you're "crazy". Seriously this last year has been THE loneliest time of my life. Things are turning around and I can say that yes I am happy and enjoying life. I have not cut in 3 months. I no longer think about it or about suicide. I live in fear of going through another season of life like that. I know I will battle these demons probably for the rest of my life. It terrifies me to think of being that depressed again. I was told the month before and after the anniversary of something like the rape is the worst. Hopefully this year it won't be like last year. Which that was one of many things going on last year

Life lately...

First off...happy 9 months to my sweet puppy abby! I don't know what I would have done without her! Its hard to believe its been almost a year since we lost ellie and I never thought I could love another dog like I loved her...abby has proven me wrong!

Second....I thought the time would never come when I could say this but I am really, truly HAPPY! 6, 7, 8 months ago I would have never thought it was possible to feel this good and I never ever thought I would be happy again! I'm laughing and joking and enjoying life. I've learned life is never perfect and lots of times not easy but thats normal. Noone is happy 24/7 and its okay to be sad sometimes

6 months ago I was on: cymbalta, prozac, seroquel, geodon, lamictal, buspar, xanax and ambien. Now I am on: Prozac, Wellbutrin and Seroquel. I sleep all night and am alert and not zombie like during the day.

I am starting to see that my "breakdown" in march had several factors. I believe losing Ellie started it all. My physical health wasn't good and I was on steroids long term which did not help. My dad was really sick and noone could figure out why. Add a new puppy to the mix and no sleep plus the anniversary of the rape...and it was a recipe for disaster.

WHen we got abby our yard was not fenced in like it is now. She was a wild puppy that didn't like to sleep. When we got Ellie my mom was still just working part time and able to help a lot. Not so with abby. I would say I really didn't bond with abby until I got back from my stay at the light house. By then our yard was fenced in which meant I didn't have to watch her every second and meant if she woke up at 4am then I could just put her out the back door

I'm learning to accept the things that I cannot change. I cannot change that I was born with CF and am dealing with a progressive and ultimately fatal illness....I can however change my outlook and my determination to live life to the fullest. I can't change that I was raped....I can however change from being a victim to a survivor...to someone who is thriving. I cannot change that thanks to CF my life will never be "normal" and that I may never be able to do the things other people my age do (work, have kids etc) but I can make the most of my life and embrace what I CAN do! I cannot change that I have depression but I can take my medication diligently and do everything possible to make it less likely that I will ever go through something like that again

I hope and pray that I NEVER EVER go through a time in my life like I did back in March! Now that I am on the otherside of it I do wonder how I survived. It really is a miracle I am still here

Lately I have spent my life swimming, enjoying my family, spending time with family and friends, loving on my Abby and taking care of myself physically and emotionally. Today for instance...went to the beach with my uncle and his wife, came home and went to the pool, came home and took a nap and went back to the pool with my mom. Had pizza and watched NCIS..."girls night" with my mom.  Six months ago...getting out of bed was a chore! I still have physical limitations..I always will and as my CF progresses I will have more... but I'm learning to work around them and learning when to push myself and when not to. Like last week I was really sick so I spent most of the week in bed and doing treatments instead of pushing myself. As a result I got better a lot faster

from my journal....

So afraid this mask I wear
Can be seen through
Don't want people to know
How vulnerable I am
Not so tough
I'm scared to death
..................................................

Do not worry
For God is there
Through the darkest night
And hardest fight
God is there
....................................................

The waves wash over the sand
As your forgiveness washes over me
The ocean water comes over me and cleanses
As you overshadow and cleanse me
Oh Lord how I love you
I will bow down to you forever
For I am your beloved
And you are my saviour
.....................................................

Nebulizers, vests, machines oh my
How my life depends on you
Enzymes, antibiotics and zantac too
I swallow you day in and day out
This my ode to you

......................................................

The world says I'm nothing
God says I'm everything
The world says I'm crazy
God says He made me
and He doesn't make mistakes
The world tells me what is impossible
God tells me what is possible
The world says I will never
Amount to anything
God says He has plans for me
The world says I am weak
God gives me strength
The world knocks me down
God picks me back up

I'm a butterfly

Right now I feel closer to a butterfly than ever

Keep in mind when its time to break out of the cocoon the butterfly must do it alone. It anyone or anything attempts to help it...well the butterfly will never fly and most likely die because its breaking out the cocoon that strengthens the butterfly's wings and allows it to fly. It has to struggle on its own. Noone else can break that butterfly out of its cocoon.

I'm in a similar place right now. It comes down to me. No matter how much it pains my family they can't do this for me...I have to do it alone with God. My therapist can give me advice until she's blue in the face but its up to me to apply it to my life. I'm on a journey that only I can walk

If I want to be able to fly then I have to do this. I have to do things that are uncomfortable. My loved ones have to watch me struggle and do nothing but cheer me on. I have to take those steps so that one day my wings will be strong and I can fly.

Right now I feel like I'm trying to break out my cocoon. I have no idea how long it will take. Did you know some butterflies stay in their cocoon merely weeks while some spend whole seasons in one? I don't know how long it will take me to break out and I can only pray that when I do my wings are ready to fly

Its a hard thing. I feel like a caterpillar. Like I'm crawling along and its so hard to imagine myself as a buttefly...no longer crawling but flying!  Sometimes this cocoon feels like its suffocating me

I want easy and fast answers and thats not the way this works. Sure easy and fast might help now but it would cripple me later...I wouldn't be able to fly because there would be no struggle. So here I am on a long and lonely road. Everytime I think I'm not going to make it, I think about the butterfly and about how its struggle is what makes it strong enough to fly. That it a powerful metaphor for my life right now.

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone


So where am I at? I finally got in to see the psych doc this week and it did not go well. As in she wanted to hospitalize me but since I have a strong support system she decided to try Cymbalta and send me home...last ditch effort. what I've read about cymbalta says its usually a last resort med because its so strong. I'm still on prozac just on 40mg instead of 80mg.

I'm not suicidal not at the very least. Do I want to hurt myself? Yes I am struggling with the urges to cut but I have no desire (I might say I'm too depressed to) kill myself

I know if the Cymbalta doesn't work that I will be going inpatient. I see the psych again next week as well as my therapist

I'm trying to keep that song in my head...what doesn't kill me will make me stronger though some days I'm not so sure its not going to kill me

  when I was released from the hospital back in march I thought I was through with the toughest time in my life. Apparently I was wrong. I was naive enough to think that I was set on meds, doing good and that would be it for awhile. I never imagined two months later I would be back where I was

I'm frustrated. I've cried my share, I've had days where I couldn't make myself get out of bed. I've had days where I bounce from one thing to another unable to concentrate and never finishing anything

I am hoping, praying cymbalta is my miracle drug.! Trying to stay positive but its really hard at times!!!!!

when you're going through hell...keep on going

So heres my update. Not much different than my last one

In my therapy session I found out my diagnosis is still labeled as Major Depressive Disorder with  Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD. But they are treating me like someone with bipolar and have used words like "mania". Really I think they don't want to label it for many reasons but as long as the meds and therapy are working!

which is another matter. ARE they working? It seemed like it and now I don't know. I can't get in to see the psych until July (so much for going back in 4 weeks like she wanted). But really things have been a downhill slide. I''m on Geodon, Seroquel, Lamictal, Prozac and Buspar with Xanax as needed. Enough to sedate a horse yet I can't stay still (therapist said thats a hallmark feature of depression..usually you either cant or wont get out of bed or you can't focus and can't sit still) or sleep. I take that back...I sleep pretty good at night but all day I'm bouncing from one task to another without finishing anything. will be calling the therapist tomorrow and begging her to atleast talk to the psych. I just don't want another hospital stay

I really think the therapy is working. Now Ive spent the better part of ten years in therapy...I thought I had learned everything there is but this therapist has new insight and some different ways of doing things that has helped. we've really clicked IMO and she's not afraid to push me!

Happier subjects...Abby is almost 5 months old and is approx 35 pounds. Not too big for a golden retriever. Her loves are playing fetch, chewing bones and digging holes (holes big enough for her to fall in!). She loves to stay in with me all day and go golf cart riding. She looks totally different than Ellie and acts totally different. She's calmer while Ellie was a free spirit