ramblings

Boy I have really fallen behind on my blogging. I wish I could say it was because of a miraculous healing and I've just been way too busy.....but that would be a lie.

Most days to be perfectly honest....my breathing sucks. It takes a lot of albuterol and a lot of hypersal and a lot of airway clearance to keep me going. And I do mean lots of albuterol.

I've learned to make the most of everyday...if I feel really bad then I rest and watch movies, read, listen to music. When I feel better....then I do what I feel like. Hot weather is not a CFers friend...hoping to make it through the summer without the need for IV rehydration. I just lose so much salt when I sweat.

Okay thats the update...on to more interesting things.

My current favorite song is Blessings by Laura Story

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

I know for my life that those lyrics are way too true! We look for blessings to be shiny happy things. Good health, good weather, good "everything". I hear so many people say they are blessed with good health or a wonderful spouse or with big material things. They are blessed with their jobs and their finances etc.

We don't often hear people say that they are blessed with CF, cancer, depression etc. People don't say they blessed to be single or blessed to be homeless. Or blessed to be poor or jobless.

Why? Do we really think blessings can only come in the form of good things? Do we rely on God nearly as much when He "blesses" us with good things? Do we think much about Him when we are rich, healthy and happily married?

I am blessed...I am blessed with CF because through it God has shown me how to depend on Him. I am blessed by being single because I can focus all my attention on God. I am blessed to be jobless because I know who I am is so much more than my career.

Yes I said it. I am blessed. God has used my circumstances to bring me closer to Him than I ever have been. He has helped me through things I thought I would never get through. He has shown me that I am never alone. He has shown me I am so much more than someones spouse, a given career or what my income is.

I have learned to identify myself the way God sees me. Am I entirely successful? NO!!! Its a hard long process that I am working on. Face it the world measures success and identity by who we marry, what our career is and how much money we have it. Bad health is seen as a weakness.

I measure my success by my relationship with my God, my the difference I make in this world and by how bright my light shines.

Is this the life I would chose? NO! But then thats why we don't get to chose...God truly does know best.

And blessings come in all forms....not just the shiny happy neatly wrapped ones

thoughts

I've been kind of quiet. Maybe thats because I really don't know what to say.

What is there to say? My lungs are still crappy...all that is keeping me breathing and alive is all my breathing treatments and vest time. I've lost almost 20% of my lung function

I guess that sums up how the fight with CF is going.....

I know I kinda ignored one subject here on my blog.....that would the 2 year anniversary of "it" (sexual assault). Maybe I was hoping if I pretended it never happened that would make it go away. Maybe the stress of CF was getting to me. Whatever it was...its caught up with me now. March 14th...it was better this year because that weekend we were celebrating my beloved pop's 80th birthday.

I've learned so much these last few years. It really is the hard things in life that God uses to teach us. Thanks to the assault and thanks to my downturn in health from CF I've really learned to rely on God. I've learned how great it is to spend time in His word, singing praises to Him and just being in His presence. I've learned how important it is to hold on to the fact that in Christ I am a new creation. And to realize that I will not live one day longer or one day less than what He was planned for me. My days were numbered and ordained before I ever was born.

God has used my trials to shape me into the person He wants me to be. Not that its easy...but life isn't easy.

God is filling the places of shame in my heart with His grace and love, He's taking my fear and giving me peace,.

I've learned to say not that I blessed in spite of my trials but I am blessed because of them. I think of Jesus's parable about who rejoices more over being forgiven the person who has done little or the person who has done much.

We can't know peace until we have lived in turmoil. We don't know how to savor each day if we don't realize what a blessing each day is. We don't enjoy living fearlessly unless we've lived trapped by fear.

I have begun starting my days by making "this is the day the Lord has made,I will rejoice and be glad in it"...my first thought, the first thing I say. Followed by shouting that I belong to God. It makes a huge difference

My life isn't easy...I won't pretend that it is. Being a Christian doesn't mean we don't have troubles....if that was the case I wouldn't be dealing with sexual assault and wouldn't have been born with CF. Its knowing m Saviour has overcome this world, has overcome death.

John 16:33

³³ “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”