Tuesday, March 30, 2010

feelings lie

So today has been a "blah" day today....its 6:30 and all I want to do is crawl into bed

Its days like today I try to remember feelings vs truth (and a big thanks to the awesome randy hiatt for this lesson...one of the many things I learned during therapy with him)

Even if I feel like God doesn't love me, like the whole world is against me and everyone hates me....feeling those things doesn't make them true. Its time like this that you have to fall back onto knowledge. I know God loves me, I know he fearfully and wonderfully made me and that all things work together for good for those that know him. I know these things because the Bible tells me these things and I believe the Bible is THE word of God.

I know the world isn't against me and noone hates me because I can look at all the support...the notes, emails and facebook comments and see that I am very much loved and supported

Emotions are fickle...ask any teenage girl or pmsing woman! THey change frequently. We have to build our lives on what we know to be true and not what we feel. This is especially true I have found with God...because we won't always have those fuzzy God loves emotions. Things will be tough, we will sometimes feel like he has left us...thats when we rely on what we know and we know He never leaves us

Sunday, March 28, 2010

A conversation you don't hear everyday...

This was in Walgreens....in the hair dye aisle

Me: Do you think I'd look good as a redhead?

My mom: Why would you want to dye your hair?

Me: Midlife crisis

My mom: You're just turning 25, a little young for a midlife crisis

me: Yeah but I might not live long enough to have one when I'm supposed to I'm having one now..and being optimistic that 25 is my midlife and I'll see 50. Besides it would be awful to die without a midlife crisis and I want to make sure I get one

my mom: okay so we'll have mother/daughter midlife crisises now

Yes we're weird and I know other CF families reading this will appreciate it most. I can only imagine what others in walgreens thought. for what its worth my hair is still brown. I think red is too tame for me...maybe blue or purple

Saturday, March 27, 2010

A year has now passed...ramblings

I think we all know evil exists. Even kids. I can still vividly remember being terrified in the early 90s watching the news when the "lowcountry serial rapist"(duncan proctor) was on the prowl. Heck I can remember when he was caught and how relieved I was. I was only 5-7 years old when he was terrorizing Charleston (over an hour away from my sleepy little town). I sure didn't know what a rapist was but I knew he was an evil man. Sure that was again brought up as I watched the oklahoma city bombings, columbine and 9/11.

But there is a HUGE difference in knowing evil exists and meeting it first hand. Its terrible hearing evil on the news or to hear other people talk about it...its another when the evil happens to you. When for a while you are staring into the eyes of the closest thing to a devil you will see on earth.

A year passed March 14 since the assault. How I wish I was still that 7 year old who didn't know what a rapist was! March 14 brought lots of memories, feelings and the need for xanax. It amazes me (in a bad way!) how much the body as well as the mind remembers

I wish I could say that I trust in God and therefore everything is okay. I do trust in God...I'm holding tight to Him but I've realized that just means he gives the courage and strength to get through the hard stuff not that he takes it away so we never face anything tough. And maybe its during those tough times we realize He is our everything and learn to hold on tight.

I never want to be a victim, I'm getting sick of being a survivor...I just want to be who I was before. And I will never be her again...I'm coming to terms with that. I'm trying to find the new me and I guess like it or not the new me is a rape survivor