Darkness comes
Fear it brings
What lurks
Around the bend
scared to death
shaking crying
praying for the
morning light
Scars
A reminder of the past
When I try to forget
Scars ensure I never will
Always a part of me
I can move on
But I can never forget
He knows my pain
He holds me close
My saviour loves me
No matter what
As I cry He
Wipes away my tears
When He sees
my scarred arms
He holds out his
nail scarred hands
Rape
A 4 letter word
So small
Yet so powerful
A 4 letter word
that turned my life
upside down
A word that will
forever be
a part of me
Butterfly Butterfly
Don't you want to fly
you're not meant to stay
on the ground
oh no you are meant
to soar
Trust me.
Spread thos wings
and fly, my precious
butterfly. I created
you for better things
I gave you wings to fly
so come on and soar
my butterfly
Darkness comes
She no longer sees in color
Her world is dark
Shadows loom in her mind
Ghosts of past haunt
Memories of yesterday
Hold her prisoner
Hope
without it we have nothing
with it we have everything
noone can steal our hope
it may get buried, hid or broken
But its always ours to find
when we find that hope
nothing is impossible
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
ranting
Yes this is a rant and yes it may get controversial but I need to write this
I have noticed two things...there is a lack of christian resources for rape survivors and those dealing with mental illness. I also have noticed when surfing christian sites even ones like crosswalk rape is not mentioned and mental illness is talked about as a lack of faith.
People who have no issue with going to the doctor for a cold or taking insulin for diabetes consider going to therapy or taking anti-depressants a lack of faith. People who want murderers and robbers punished blame rape victims. Rape victims are often treated as criminals.
Antidepressants saved my life. I fully believe God worked through my doctor and those meds. In the year from my rape to starting seroquel....its amazing I survived. I saw the world in black and white....all the color was gone. I had nightmares. I used a nightlight. I was scared of my own shadow. Didn't want to leave the house. Slept in the hall with Ellie. Now I see in color...I am in a place where I can concentrate on healing. No those meds aren't a miracle but they greatly help. My years of therapy have also helped. God has worked through those medications, my therapist, my doctor.
Would you tell someone with cancer to not undergo chemo? or someone with diabetes to not take insulin? So why tell someone with depression, anxiety or PTSD to not take anti-depressants, anti-pyschotics or whatever
This time last year I was suicidal, flashbacks ruled my life and it seemed like residential treatment was the only option. This year I am still struggling but I am not a danger to myself and I have hope
Christians get raped, they get depression, they suffer PTSD. And they shouldn't have to hide or be afraid of the response of other Christians. THey should be accepted in their churches and prayed for and over just as those with cancer, heart disease etc are.
Those issues impact my life as much as my cystic fibrosis, heart issues etc except that I fight depression and PTSD on my own. I am overcoming rape on my own.
Learn from me. Dont hide. And don't treat people like me as heathens with no faith.
I have noticed two things...there is a lack of christian resources for rape survivors and those dealing with mental illness. I also have noticed when surfing christian sites even ones like crosswalk rape is not mentioned and mental illness is talked about as a lack of faith.
People who have no issue with going to the doctor for a cold or taking insulin for diabetes consider going to therapy or taking anti-depressants a lack of faith. People who want murderers and robbers punished blame rape victims. Rape victims are often treated as criminals.
Antidepressants saved my life. I fully believe God worked through my doctor and those meds. In the year from my rape to starting seroquel....its amazing I survived. I saw the world in black and white....all the color was gone. I had nightmares. I used a nightlight. I was scared of my own shadow. Didn't want to leave the house. Slept in the hall with Ellie. Now I see in color...I am in a place where I can concentrate on healing. No those meds aren't a miracle but they greatly help. My years of therapy have also helped. God has worked through those medications, my therapist, my doctor.
Would you tell someone with cancer to not undergo chemo? or someone with diabetes to not take insulin? So why tell someone with depression, anxiety or PTSD to not take anti-depressants, anti-pyschotics or whatever
This time last year I was suicidal, flashbacks ruled my life and it seemed like residential treatment was the only option. This year I am still struggling but I am not a danger to myself and I have hope
Christians get raped, they get depression, they suffer PTSD. And they shouldn't have to hide or be afraid of the response of other Christians. THey should be accepted in their churches and prayed for and over just as those with cancer, heart disease etc are.
Those issues impact my life as much as my cystic fibrosis, heart issues etc except that I fight depression and PTSD on my own. I am overcoming rape on my own.
Learn from me. Dont hide. And don't treat people like me as heathens with no faith.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
randomness
I am bored and figured this could interesting. the 25 random facts is going around facebook again...I'm gonna see how many random facts I can think of
1. I have this thing for funky socks
2. I have this thing for funky pj pants
3. I am a christian
4. I love books
5. Butterflies are really special to me
6. I like monkeys
7. I write
8. I sleep with a stuffed monkey who has a friendship necklace with a butterfly and an aromatherapy pouch
9. I've been stuck so many times for blood draws and IVs that I'm running out of veins
10. I'm probably radioactive from all the xrays
11. I am a rape survivor
12. pink is my favorite color
13. I love nature
14. I have this thing for hats and kerchiefs
15. I lose things all the time
16. I love music
17. I sing at the top of my lungs when I am alone
18. I read fast
19. I am a slob
20. I hate scooping the litter box
21. ham and pineapple pizza is my favorite food
22. I love thrift store shopping
23. I am terrified of grasshoppers
24. I have brother and a soon to be sister in law
25. I only have 1 first cousin
26. I want a pet goat
27. I rarely wear jewelry but I have a ton
28. I prefer silver over gold
29. my birthstone is diamond but rubies are my favorite
30. I can be quite silly and funny
1. I have this thing for funky socks
2. I have this thing for funky pj pants
3. I am a christian
4. I love books
5. Butterflies are really special to me
6. I like monkeys
7. I write
8. I sleep with a stuffed monkey who has a friendship necklace with a butterfly and an aromatherapy pouch
9. I've been stuck so many times for blood draws and IVs that I'm running out of veins
10. I'm probably radioactive from all the xrays
11. I am a rape survivor
12. pink is my favorite color
13. I love nature
14. I have this thing for hats and kerchiefs
15. I lose things all the time
16. I love music
17. I sing at the top of my lungs when I am alone
18. I read fast
19. I am a slob
20. I hate scooping the litter box
21. ham and pineapple pizza is my favorite food
22. I love thrift store shopping
23. I am terrified of grasshoppers
24. I have brother and a soon to be sister in law
25. I only have 1 first cousin
26. I want a pet goat
27. I rarely wear jewelry but I have a ton
28. I prefer silver over gold
29. my birthstone is diamond but rubies are my favorite
30. I can be quite silly and funny
Thursday, October 14, 2010
when your heart hurts.....
Today is just one of those days. maybe its the lack of oxygen to the brain cells or PMS or whatever. Maybe its just a bad day. I don't know
What I do know is my heart hurts. I look back and wish I could get a refund for the last 2.5 years. I'm sick of having to deal with the effects of the actions of someone else (the assault), I'm sick of not being able to control my emotions some days even with the best medication...that usually works but days like this things just spin out of control. I'm sick of lungs that don't work, stomach that hurts, a heart that beats too fast.
I hate myself for taking things out on the people I love. I hate myself for thinking some of the thoughts I think. I hate myself for feeling like a freak.
Its times like this I cling to what I know and not what I feel. Or atleast I try to. Trying to march on. To keep moving forward. To hold on to Jesus
What I do know is my heart hurts. I look back and wish I could get a refund for the last 2.5 years. I'm sick of having to deal with the effects of the actions of someone else (the assault), I'm sick of not being able to control my emotions some days even with the best medication...that usually works but days like this things just spin out of control. I'm sick of lungs that don't work, stomach that hurts, a heart that beats too fast.
I hate myself for taking things out on the people I love. I hate myself for thinking some of the thoughts I think. I hate myself for feeling like a freak.
Its times like this I cling to what I know and not what I feel. Or atleast I try to. Trying to march on. To keep moving forward. To hold on to Jesus
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
I need some gummi worms
Cause they would go perfectly with my pity party. Really its been a rough week. Sunday night bad coughing fits and after finally got those stopped my heart rate started soaring and I almost passed out. Yesterday I was so weak from everything that I could barely get out of bed.
Last night started coughing bad again. This time there was a little blood though. I don't know how one pair of lungs can have so much junk in them. Anyway coughing stopped but I kept waking up every hour or two needing ventolin.
Slept all morning and have been fighting the nausea all day. Ensure and yogurt are all I've had.
I don't mean to complain....but I do want to give a picture of what life with CF is like
Awaiting my heart doctor appointment next tuesday and hoping for some answers. And then hoping my pulmo has something new up his sleeve...he's always one for thinking outside the box so hopefully he has some ideas. He and the heart doctor are in the same practice so hopefully they have discussed me
I was a bad girl and ran out of atrovent and never got it refilled. Finally refilled it today so hopefully that will help with the breathing!
I'm just frustrated. Like I asked my mom..."what if this is as good as it gets"? Her answer is we'll deal and learn to accomodate my new needs. Did I mention I have awesome parents?
I admit I am scared. Somehow the combo of heart problems and worsening cystic fibrosis lung disease don't seem like a good combo.
I'm holding on to God and know He's holding me in His hand. "oh no you never let go through the calm and through the storm, oh no you never let go, lord you never let go of me"
I'm trusting He will give me strength and courage to face whatever my future holds.
That doesn't mean I can't cry though!
Last night started coughing bad again. This time there was a little blood though. I don't know how one pair of lungs can have so much junk in them. Anyway coughing stopped but I kept waking up every hour or two needing ventolin.
Slept all morning and have been fighting the nausea all day. Ensure and yogurt are all I've had.
I don't mean to complain....but I do want to give a picture of what life with CF is like
Awaiting my heart doctor appointment next tuesday and hoping for some answers. And then hoping my pulmo has something new up his sleeve...he's always one for thinking outside the box so hopefully he has some ideas. He and the heart doctor are in the same practice so hopefully they have discussed me
I was a bad girl and ran out of atrovent and never got it refilled. Finally refilled it today so hopefully that will help with the breathing!
I'm just frustrated. Like I asked my mom..."what if this is as good as it gets"? Her answer is we'll deal and learn to accomodate my new needs. Did I mention I have awesome parents?
I admit I am scared. Somehow the combo of heart problems and worsening cystic fibrosis lung disease don't seem like a good combo.
I'm holding on to God and know He's holding me in His hand. "oh no you never let go through the calm and through the storm, oh no you never let go, lord you never let go of me"
I'm trusting He will give me strength and courage to face whatever my future holds.
That doesn't mean I can't cry though!
Monday, September 20, 2010
life goes on
We still really don't have any answers. Is this just a flare? Is this a permanent decline? Is some of it heart related? We don't know. I go back to cardiologist in 1.5 weeks...hopefully for a diagnosis and plan. After that its pulmonology time.
I am back on doxycycline...I don't think the infection got totally gone and has reared its ugly head again. Doxy worked wonderful and quick last time so hoping and praying for the same this time.
Right now my life is all about meds....juggling what time to take what. Spending hours a day hooked up to tubing and machines. But I'm just happy to be alive and home. I thank God for things such as the vest that make my life easier and make me more independant. And for portable nebulizers and acapellas that make me more portable!
More than anything this has really brought me to rely on God. I don't know whats going to happen, I know CF is terminal and will kill me unless something else does first. I don't know what my prognosis is right now. I do know this is the sickest I have ever been
Really I've had to come to terms with the fact that I do have a terminal illness...unless something else kills me first CF will kill me. I will get sicker. I've come face to face with my own mortality. I've come face to face with dealing with issues such as taking medicine that makes me feel worse even if it could prolong my life some. I'm willing to try anything but I want a QUALITY of life! Not just quantity. And given the choice I will choose quality every time.
I've had to learn to pace myself. I can run errands but thats all I can do in a day. I can go to church but once again thats it for me. I've had to give up control and let my parents take care of Ellie some. Neither thing has been easy!
I trust God....I know He has plans for me and He knows the number of days I will live. He knows everything. Even when things don't make sense I have to trust Him. I know He has been with me every step of the way. Faith is easy when things are going good....its the tough times that really push it and make it stronger. I know my God has a plan! He is bigger than CF, heart problems, depression and even death. I'm not afraid of dying...I'm really not. I wasn't made for this world...this is not my home.
I had the experience of being really depressed yesterday. So I prayed...and I prayed for a sign, something to show me that God is still holding me tight. A few hours later I took Ellie out and saw a beautiful orange butterfly that proceeded to almost land on me and continued to follow me around all the way back to the door. I know that was my answer.
I am back on doxycycline...I don't think the infection got totally gone and has reared its ugly head again. Doxy worked wonderful and quick last time so hoping and praying for the same this time.
Right now my life is all about meds....juggling what time to take what. Spending hours a day hooked up to tubing and machines. But I'm just happy to be alive and home. I thank God for things such as the vest that make my life easier and make me more independant. And for portable nebulizers and acapellas that make me more portable!
More than anything this has really brought me to rely on God. I don't know whats going to happen, I know CF is terminal and will kill me unless something else does first. I don't know what my prognosis is right now. I do know this is the sickest I have ever been
Really I've had to come to terms with the fact that I do have a terminal illness...unless something else kills me first CF will kill me. I will get sicker. I've come face to face with my own mortality. I've come face to face with dealing with issues such as taking medicine that makes me feel worse even if it could prolong my life some. I'm willing to try anything but I want a QUALITY of life! Not just quantity. And given the choice I will choose quality every time.
I've had to learn to pace myself. I can run errands but thats all I can do in a day. I can go to church but once again thats it for me. I've had to give up control and let my parents take care of Ellie some. Neither thing has been easy!
I trust God....I know He has plans for me and He knows the number of days I will live. He knows everything. Even when things don't make sense I have to trust Him. I know He has been with me every step of the way. Faith is easy when things are going good....its the tough times that really push it and make it stronger. I know my God has a plan! He is bigger than CF, heart problems, depression and even death. I'm not afraid of dying...I'm really not. I wasn't made for this world...this is not my home.
I had the experience of being really depressed yesterday. So I prayed...and I prayed for a sign, something to show me that God is still holding me tight. A few hours later I took Ellie out and saw a beautiful orange butterfly that proceeded to almost land on me and continued to follow me around all the way back to the door. I know that was my answer.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Its been a week...or I'm gonna start forwarding my mail to the hospital
Okay so hit the Er last thursday...spent 6hrs getting fluids, IV zofran, mega breathing treatments and having tests done. Got sent home. Back friday....more fluids, more zofran, more breathing treatments and IV steroids. 6hrs again. They were really on the fence about letting me go but did. Said if it got worse to come back to be admitted.
Saturday early morning...back this time with bags packed. More tests, oxygen, IV steroids, breathing treatments and chest percussion therapy with a percussor. Oh and IV zofran. Changed my antibiotics and doxycycline must have been the magic one because after a few doses I had no fever. T
Diagnosis CF flare, asthma flare and "regular" bronchitis.
So they finally let me go at 1pm monday. There are now concerns about my heart rate and oxygen levels though. So I see a cardiologist tuesday and then am getting an appointment with my pulmo. Already seen my family doctor who I think if she had her way would have kept me in a little longer.
I am still having major trouble with nausea and living on phenergan and a very limited diet. And having issues staying hydrated. I've been told to eat anything I want...just get food in and to drink anything I want as long as it has no caffeine....even all the sprite I want! And yet I've been to sick to enjoy being told those things
I have to say that my hospital stay went good...as good as it does for anyone. I was concerned with my anxiety issues and all that it would be really rough. Not so. Everyone was fantastic to me...from the RT to the nurses to the doctors to the CNAs to the dietician. Everyone was knowledgable about cystic fibrosis. It was a good experience...not one I really want t o repeat anytime soon haha but atleast I know I can make it through a hospital stay emotionally. This being my first in quite awhile.
I think the whole ER, respiratory therapy and 3rd floor know me by name at this point.
Glad to be home and hoping some of the upcoming appointments can shed some light on things
Saturday early morning...back this time with bags packed. More tests, oxygen, IV steroids, breathing treatments and chest percussion therapy with a percussor. Oh and IV zofran. Changed my antibiotics and doxycycline must have been the magic one because after a few doses I had no fever. T
Diagnosis CF flare, asthma flare and "regular" bronchitis.
So they finally let me go at 1pm monday. There are now concerns about my heart rate and oxygen levels though. So I see a cardiologist tuesday and then am getting an appointment with my pulmo. Already seen my family doctor who I think if she had her way would have kept me in a little longer.
I am still having major trouble with nausea and living on phenergan and a very limited diet. And having issues staying hydrated. I've been told to eat anything I want...just get food in and to drink anything I want as long as it has no caffeine....even all the sprite I want! And yet I've been to sick to enjoy being told those things
I have to say that my hospital stay went good...as good as it does for anyone. I was concerned with my anxiety issues and all that it would be really rough. Not so. Everyone was fantastic to me...from the RT to the nurses to the doctors to the CNAs to the dietician. Everyone was knowledgable about cystic fibrosis. It was a good experience...not one I really want t o repeat anytime soon haha but atleast I know I can make it through a hospital stay emotionally. This being my first in quite awhile.
I think the whole ER, respiratory therapy and 3rd floor know me by name at this point.
Glad to be home and hoping some of the upcoming appointments can shed some light on things
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Life..
Life...its been up and down for the last 1.5 months. Cystic Fibrosis is not treating me nicely. I will have spent almost the whole 1.5 months on antibiotics and 4x a day nebulizer and vest treatments. Cipro first...and it seems some of my bugs (mainly we suspect Staph) have become resistant to cipro...and/or I've picked a new lovely strain of something up. So now onto Bactrim as it is excellent against staph (even mrsa!) and something I have not taken a lot of. Feeling some better already and am atleast not sleeping all the time like I was!
It gets frustrating...I should be used to being sick. But it still frustrates me. It frustrates me to want to do stuff but not be able to physically. It frustrates me to gasping for breath when I'm just playing around with Ellie. It frustrates me to be puking for 3 day s. I know this is CF...everyone with CF deals with these issues and part of growing older with CF is that it progresses.
I've also had the rape on my mind a lot. I don't know why. They say time heals all wounds but I don't know. Its been 1.5 years and my heart still hurts. Badly sometimes. Sometimes at night when I'm alone the tears come. I wonder who I would be right now if that had not happened.
I know Jesus heals though. I know my God has a plan. I'm holding tight to Jesus and I know He is holding tight to me. I have found the Psalms to be really comforting. Also listening to the Bible on CD. Good praise music. Old familar hymns. Just sitting and talking with Jesus...little bits of conversation all day.
I may never know healing in this lifetime but I will know it in Heaven!
It gets frustrating...I should be used to being sick. But it still frustrates me. It frustrates me to want to do stuff but not be able to physically. It frustrates me to gasping for breath when I'm just playing around with Ellie. It frustrates me to be puking for 3 day s. I know this is CF...everyone with CF deals with these issues and part of growing older with CF is that it progresses.
I've also had the rape on my mind a lot. I don't know why. They say time heals all wounds but I don't know. Its been 1.5 years and my heart still hurts. Badly sometimes. Sometimes at night when I'm alone the tears come. I wonder who I would be right now if that had not happened.
I know Jesus heals though. I know my God has a plan. I'm holding tight to Jesus and I know He is holding tight to me. I have found the Psalms to be really comforting. Also listening to the Bible on CD. Good praise music. Old familar hymns. Just sitting and talking with Jesus...little bits of conversation all day.
I may never know healing in this lifetime but I will know it in Heaven!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
You can't run forever
I've been confronted with that this week. You can't run forever. You can't beat your demons if you hide from them. And I am guilty in that.
Its a lot easier to pretend the painful things in life never happened. Denial is a lovely thing except it keeps us from growing.
I'd rather not face my past but to move forward I have to. Its hard. I'd rather run the other way and pretend things never happened. But then I would be stuck here forever.
I believe God works all things for good. Even things like rape. I may not know "the good" and I may never until I get to heaven understand it and understand the good. But I know when God makes a promise that He keeps it.
Its a lot easier to pretend the painful things in life never happened. Denial is a lovely thing except it keeps us from growing.
I'd rather not face my past but to move forward I have to. Its hard. I'd rather run the other way and pretend things never happened. But then I would be stuck here forever.
I believe God works all things for good. Even things like rape. I may not know "the good" and I may never until I get to heaven understand it and understand the good. But I know when God makes a promise that He keeps it.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
long time no post
Its been awhile. Yes it has. Unfortunatly CF got the best of me for a little. I started out with a raging lung infection and a 103 temp. Started antibiotics and got better slowly and then last thursday BOOM...bad asthma attack. Which led to the dreaded steroids. Steroids are bad enough in a "normal" person...add my depression, anxiety and PTSD and its even more trouble.
So whats been going on? For one thing God has been working on me big time. I fully believe He used that bout of sickness to pull me closer to Him and to get me to slow down so I could spend some time with Him. In addition I have found myself increasingly convicted about what i watch, listen to, and read. Well actually probably watch and read since I've always leaned towards Christian music. This includes my sookie stackhouse love. So I am trying to read more Christian fiction, more Christian books and be more selective of what I watch on TV. This is an area I think God deals with us all individually. This is what I might be called to do right now....it might not be what you are called to. God may speak to you and move you in an area that He doesn't with me.
I know my focus needs to be on God, only with Him can I heal and find new life.
So whats been going on? For one thing God has been working on me big time. I fully believe He used that bout of sickness to pull me closer to Him and to get me to slow down so I could spend some time with Him. In addition I have found myself increasingly convicted about what i watch, listen to, and read. Well actually probably watch and read since I've always leaned towards Christian music. This includes my sookie stackhouse love. So I am trying to read more Christian fiction, more Christian books and be more selective of what I watch on TV. This is an area I think God deals with us all individually. This is what I might be called to do right now....it might not be what you are called to. God may speak to you and move you in an area that He doesn't with me.
I know my focus needs to be on God, only with Him can I heal and find new life.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
My God is bigger
Veggie Tales aren't just for kids! My favorite Veggie Tales song is "my God is bigger". My God is bigger than the boogey man and the monsters on TV...
I remember growing up my brother and I had what we called the boogey man mask. It was an ugly green mask with orange hair. During the day we would play with it but when night time came we begged for it to be in a closet. I'm not sure now what was so scary about that mask and I believe it might still be in the attic
Anyway back to the song! I think sometimes we make God too small. We try to put Him in a box and limit Him to human qualities. He's not human! He's the creator of the world....there is no box big enough to hold God! He's bigger than everything. He's bigger than our problems, our fears, our illnesses and our boogey men. He's big enough to handle it all.
But we need to make Him that big. We need to believe that He is that big. Get Him out of the box and quit trying to define Him. Let Him work...quit trying to tell Him how to work! He is not human, not bound by our limitations etc. So let Him be big in your life!
I remember growing up my brother and I had what we called the boogey man mask. It was an ugly green mask with orange hair. During the day we would play with it but when night time came we begged for it to be in a closet. I'm not sure now what was so scary about that mask and I believe it might still be in the attic
Anyway back to the song! I think sometimes we make God too small. We try to put Him in a box and limit Him to human qualities. He's not human! He's the creator of the world....there is no box big enough to hold God! He's bigger than everything. He's bigger than our problems, our fears, our illnesses and our boogey men. He's big enough to handle it all.
But we need to make Him that big. We need to believe that He is that big. Get Him out of the box and quit trying to define Him. Let Him work...quit trying to tell Him how to work! He is not human, not bound by our limitations etc. So let Him be big in your life!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
A great reminder (be sure to watch the video)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85vi2pB1T5c
My favorite line "Every breath is a second chance"
Quite a powerful statement but so true. Our God is a God of 2nd chances and every breath we take is a 2nd chance. We don't have to wait until new year's day to change, we don't even have to wait until tomorrow. That next breath? Thats your 2nd chance. Did you mess up? No worries because the next breath you take is your 2nd chance
I've messed up a lot and one thing I've always held on to is that God is a God of 2nd chances. Thats seen all through the Bible. Joseph...David....Mary Magdalene....Paul.....I could name many more but these are just a few that come to mind
God doesn't care where we've been....He cares where we're going. He puts our sins as far as the east is from the west.
And its amazing He can use a single line in a song to drive this home
My favorite line "Every breath is a second chance"
Quite a powerful statement but so true. Our God is a God of 2nd chances and every breath we take is a 2nd chance. We don't have to wait until new year's day to change, we don't even have to wait until tomorrow. That next breath? Thats your 2nd chance. Did you mess up? No worries because the next breath you take is your 2nd chance
I've messed up a lot and one thing I've always held on to is that God is a God of 2nd chances. Thats seen all through the Bible. Joseph...David....Mary Magdalene....Paul.....I could name many more but these are just a few that come to mind
God doesn't care where we've been....He cares where we're going. He puts our sins as far as the east is from the west.
And its amazing He can use a single line in a song to drive this home
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
random thoughts
I want to write but I don't know what I want to write. I'm blocked. I have lots of things I want to say but then I don't know how. I don't know where to start. Sometimes it feels like I have 1,000 things going on in my head and am being pulled in a lot of different directions internally
I am doing good. Best I have done in a long time, starting to really work through some of the sexual assault issues..ready to face them. I am sleeping all night thanks to my medicine with no nightmares, no being startled awake, no getting maybe 2 hours of sleep. My moods are stable, my impulse control is great, my anger is greatly managed, I'm not sleeping all day, I am getting up, dressed and showered every day. Just the little things that I wasn't doing before. My anxiety is manageable. I am so happy to finally be stabilized on my meds and doing more than just survive everyday.
But I struggle with knowing normal. Every time I get grouchy I wonder if thats a sign something is wrong, that my meds need to be upped etc. Every bad day I wonder if I am sliding backwards. I don't know what is normal. I really don't.
I am a lot more hopeful. I have a family who would do anything for me, a doctor who really cares and isn't going to give up on me. My lungs are doing good (summer is a good season for me). I am hopeful that I can get through this, hopeful that I will survive and not just survive but thrive. A little hope goes a long way.
My greatest hope is that this blog helps someone. That my story gives someone hope. I've been to brink of wanting to die, to wanting to kill myself and now I am grateful to be alive. I hope that I can help someone else. I know how lonely mental illness and sexual assault can be. If I can keep it from being that lonely for someone else then that to me would be great. I've walked through the darkest nights and have made it....
I am doing good. Best I have done in a long time, starting to really work through some of the sexual assault issues..ready to face them. I am sleeping all night thanks to my medicine with no nightmares, no being startled awake, no getting maybe 2 hours of sleep. My moods are stable, my impulse control is great, my anger is greatly managed, I'm not sleeping all day, I am getting up, dressed and showered every day. Just the little things that I wasn't doing before. My anxiety is manageable. I am so happy to finally be stabilized on my meds and doing more than just survive everyday.
But I struggle with knowing normal. Every time I get grouchy I wonder if thats a sign something is wrong, that my meds need to be upped etc. Every bad day I wonder if I am sliding backwards. I don't know what is normal. I really don't.
I am a lot more hopeful. I have a family who would do anything for me, a doctor who really cares and isn't going to give up on me. My lungs are doing good (summer is a good season for me). I am hopeful that I can get through this, hopeful that I will survive and not just survive but thrive. A little hope goes a long way.
My greatest hope is that this blog helps someone. That my story gives someone hope. I've been to brink of wanting to die, to wanting to kill myself and now I am grateful to be alive. I hope that I can help someone else. I know how lonely mental illness and sexual assault can be. If I can keep it from being that lonely for someone else then that to me would be great. I've walked through the darkest nights and have made it....
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Mixed feelings
So I had my doctor appointment. On the good side my lungs sounded clear and I am stable enough that my mood meds needed no upping or tweaking.
On the bad side there are now concerns about my heart. My heart rate is always above 120. So now I have a cardiac workup and cardiologist visit in my future. Nothing is scheduled because its not really urgent. I mean this has been going on for years...I just finally have a good doctor who is interested in me and my problems. Still scary to be told that though. I have had several EKGs, an Echo and spent way too much time hooked up to a heart moniter and all of those are normal. Doctor spent a long time listening to my heart and other than being fast all was normal. The general consensus is that even if everything turns out okay and its normal for me that I probably still need meds to slow it down and reduce the risk of damage
My doctor must have thought I was stable mood wise though as I don't have to go back until the end of august. And despite being on Seroquel I lost 3 pounds!
I'm working hard and am the most functional that I've been in a long time. Considering what bad shape I was in after the assualt and where I had been emotionally/mentally even years before that.
On the bad side there are now concerns about my heart. My heart rate is always above 120. So now I have a cardiac workup and cardiologist visit in my future. Nothing is scheduled because its not really urgent. I mean this has been going on for years...I just finally have a good doctor who is interested in me and my problems. Still scary to be told that though. I have had several EKGs, an Echo and spent way too much time hooked up to a heart moniter and all of those are normal. Doctor spent a long time listening to my heart and other than being fast all was normal. The general consensus is that even if everything turns out okay and its normal for me that I probably still need meds to slow it down and reduce the risk of damage
My doctor must have thought I was stable mood wise though as I don't have to go back until the end of august. And despite being on Seroquel I lost 3 pounds!
I'm working hard and am the most functional that I've been in a long time. Considering what bad shape I was in after the assualt and where I had been emotionally/mentally even years before that.
Monday, June 28, 2010
11 years
11 years ago Saturday my beloved granddaddy died after only 6 months of battling heart trouble. He was 70 which seemed old to my 14 year old self...not so much to my 25 year old self.
You can't find many men like him. He gave up a large part of his life to take care of my aunt who has down syndrome. I was lucky enough to live across the street and often visited him ...playing checkers, drinking grape soda and talking fish. He had a gorgeous aquarium of fish and helped me with mine. He also made his own incubator to hatch abandoned baby birds and take care of them. Plus who can forget his greenhouse and lemons the size of softballs! I like to think I got my love of nature from him.
11 years ago I was set to leave for camp for the first time in my life. I am sure a lot of people thought I was crazy because I still left for camp the monday after he died...the day of his funeral. Yes I missed his funeral. But he was so happy and so proud that shy anxious me wanted to go to camp that I couldn't let him down
11 years ago I was 14. A seemingly plucky but shy teenager. Teetering between childhood and the teen years still. Looking back I can see I was already "troubled"....I was already suffering from depression and anxiety. I was already at times hurting myself. But I seemed to have it all on the outside.
So I look back and 11 years ago I lost my granddad. I also lost my innocence and was slowly losing myself
You can't find many men like him. He gave up a large part of his life to take care of my aunt who has down syndrome. I was lucky enough to live across the street and often visited him ...playing checkers, drinking grape soda and talking fish. He had a gorgeous aquarium of fish and helped me with mine. He also made his own incubator to hatch abandoned baby birds and take care of them. Plus who can forget his greenhouse and lemons the size of softballs! I like to think I got my love of nature from him.
11 years ago I was set to leave for camp for the first time in my life. I am sure a lot of people thought I was crazy because I still left for camp the monday after he died...the day of his funeral. Yes I missed his funeral. But he was so happy and so proud that shy anxious me wanted to go to camp that I couldn't let him down
11 years ago I was 14. A seemingly plucky but shy teenager. Teetering between childhood and the teen years still. Looking back I can see I was already "troubled"....I was already suffering from depression and anxiety. I was already at times hurting myself. But I seemed to have it all on the outside.
So I look back and 11 years ago I lost my granddad. I also lost my innocence and was slowly losing myself
Saturday, June 26, 2010
get inside my head
scary thought huh?
Seriously...what is it like to be me?
My mind feels like it never cuts itself off. I've been described as super intelligent but that has its drawbacks. I over think. What may seem simple to you I spend hours over analyzing and can't get it off my mind. Thats where the seroquel really helps. It calms my mind. It relieves the over analyzing and constant thought. It also relieves the flashbacks and nightmares
When I'm depressed I feel like all I want to do is lay in bed and yet I can't sleep. I think everyone would be better off without me. When I get that depression I am incapable of being rational. Someone can tell me 10,000 times they love me and I will still think they would be better off without me. I don't want to take care of myself which is dangerous for someone with cystic fibrosis.....when I get really depressed my treatments fall to the wayside
Despite the racing thoughts and overthinking lots of time I have issues getting out what I want to say...even in my journal. I self censor. I am a perfectionist and therefore have a hard time letting myself go and have fun
All the meds I am on help. They really do. And the 7 years of therapy I went through. I am better now and more functional than I have been in years but now I'm having a hard time returning to the "real" world and learning to function
just a peak inside my head
Seriously...what is it like to be me?
My mind feels like it never cuts itself off. I've been described as super intelligent but that has its drawbacks. I over think. What may seem simple to you I spend hours over analyzing and can't get it off my mind. Thats where the seroquel really helps. It calms my mind. It relieves the over analyzing and constant thought. It also relieves the flashbacks and nightmares
When I'm depressed I feel like all I want to do is lay in bed and yet I can't sleep. I think everyone would be better off without me. When I get that depression I am incapable of being rational. Someone can tell me 10,000 times they love me and I will still think they would be better off without me. I don't want to take care of myself which is dangerous for someone with cystic fibrosis.....when I get really depressed my treatments fall to the wayside
Despite the racing thoughts and overthinking lots of time I have issues getting out what I want to say...even in my journal. I self censor. I am a perfectionist and therefore have a hard time letting myself go and have fun
All the meds I am on help. They really do. And the 7 years of therapy I went through. I am better now and more functional than I have been in years but now I'm having a hard time returning to the "real" world and learning to function
just a peak inside my head
Sunday, June 20, 2010
weekend randomness
So first off...the hepatitis and HIV testing were NEGATIVE> I had no doubt they would be and all but am happy to know for sure and put that behind me. I can't say enough how important it is to have medical care immediatly following a sexual assault. Really it could have saved my life because I was able to have all the prophylatic treatment for HIV and a whole slew of other STDs. No that was not a fun exam or ER trip but I dont regret it
Now on to happier stuff. I have had an AWESOME weekend and a big thanks to my wonderful parents for making it awesome. Friday night we went to a late showing of the Karate Kid...wonderful movie...two thumbs up! Between the 3 of us we demolished 2 huge buckets of popcorn. We also stopped at a wishing fountain at Market Commons and tossed pennies in...any guesses what I wished for?
Saturday night went out to eat at one of our favorite places and just really had a nice relaxing day and I curled up in bed with a sookie stackhouse book. Today we celebrated father's day and took my dad out for pizza (his choice!)
I don't know what it was about this weekend..it was restful, it was distracting and for the weekend I forgot a lot of my problems.. My moods were good, no migraine, lungs were decent. It just was a nice weekend.
Provided I stay healthy I am doctor free until July 1. I fully anticipate my seroquel being upped then. I dont know why...I just feel that it probably will be
Now on to happier stuff. I have had an AWESOME weekend and a big thanks to my wonderful parents for making it awesome. Friday night we went to a late showing of the Karate Kid...wonderful movie...two thumbs up! Between the 3 of us we demolished 2 huge buckets of popcorn. We also stopped at a wishing fountain at Market Commons and tossed pennies in...any guesses what I wished for?
Saturday night went out to eat at one of our favorite places and just really had a nice relaxing day and I curled up in bed with a sookie stackhouse book. Today we celebrated father's day and took my dad out for pizza (his choice!)
I don't know what it was about this weekend..it was restful, it was distracting and for the weekend I forgot a lot of my problems.. My moods were good, no migraine, lungs were decent. It just was a nice weekend.
Provided I stay healthy I am doctor free until July 1. I fully anticipate my seroquel being upped then. I dont know why...I just feel that it probably will be
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Scars
So its summer, its south carolina and its HOT! Which means swim suits, tank tops etc
Which means my scars show. My arms, particularly on the shoulder area are pretty extensively scarred as are my upper legs and even to an extent my stomach. And yes they are from self inflicted injuries.
I used to be embarrassed and not wear anything that would show them. I burned up in shirts with sleeves to my elbows and capris and wore a tshirt over my bathing suit. Not anymore
I'm not proud of what I did. I'm not. I wish I could go back and make it where those things never happened. But I look at my scars as a reminder that I'm stronger than I think I am. I've done something few people ever completely do...quit hurting myself. I've gone through some horrific stuff in my life and while yes it got me down, yes I did things I regret...I'm ALIVE! I survived. I didn't kill myself or even attempt to (little do people know that cutting is NOT a suicide attempt).
WHen it comes down to it...my scars remind me I am a SURVIVOR. Not a victim...a SURVIVOR
Which means my scars show. My arms, particularly on the shoulder area are pretty extensively scarred as are my upper legs and even to an extent my stomach. And yes they are from self inflicted injuries.
I used to be embarrassed and not wear anything that would show them. I burned up in shirts with sleeves to my elbows and capris and wore a tshirt over my bathing suit. Not anymore
I'm not proud of what I did. I'm not. I wish I could go back and make it where those things never happened. But I look at my scars as a reminder that I'm stronger than I think I am. I've done something few people ever completely do...quit hurting myself. I've gone through some horrific stuff in my life and while yes it got me down, yes I did things I regret...I'm ALIVE! I survived. I didn't kill myself or even attempt to (little do people know that cutting is NOT a suicide attempt).
WHen it comes down to it...my scars remind me I am a SURVIVOR. Not a victim...a SURVIVOR
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
randomness
So this has been quite a week. Started with an ER visit sunday for a severe migraine and nice shot of dilaudid and phernagen. Which thankfully took care of it and my migraine has not come back. That visit was a little triggery as it was my first ER visit since the assault and the same doctor.
Tomorrow morning I get blood drawn for the 1 year HIV and hepatits tests. I know they will be negative but this will be official and one more thing behind me
And then I am looking forward to a fun weekend! My brother Josh and his GF and I hope eventually my sister in law...Kara are coming tomorrow night. We've already got a cookout planned complete with tiki torches and pool table. And saturday we are all going out in the boat with Ellie of course and going to Sandy Island. Planning on packing a picnic and staying awhile. First boat trip of the season!
My resolve? To enjoy life more, to have fun more...to remember life is short and to live it to the fullest
Tomorrow morning I get blood drawn for the 1 year HIV and hepatits tests. I know they will be negative but this will be official and one more thing behind me
And then I am looking forward to a fun weekend! My brother Josh and his GF and I hope eventually my sister in law...Kara are coming tomorrow night. We've already got a cookout planned complete with tiki torches and pool table. And saturday we are all going out in the boat with Ellie of course and going to Sandy Island. Planning on packing a picnic and staying awhile. First boat trip of the season!
My resolve? To enjoy life more, to have fun more...to remember life is short and to live it to the fullest
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
you know you have CF when....
1. the pharmacy packs your meds in grocery bags cause theres so much
2. you carry around a list of meds, allergies and health problems and can recite it
3. your vital signs routinely freak people out
4. salt is a food group
5. you wonder when you will start glowing in the dark from xrays and ct scans
6. pills are your appetizers
7. you know wich veins are good for IVs and blood draws
8. you have more medicine at home than a small pharmacy
9. you can swallow 10 pills at once
10.your medical equipment is worth more than the family car
2. you carry around a list of meds, allergies and health problems and can recite it
3. your vital signs routinely freak people out
4. salt is a food group
5. you wonder when you will start glowing in the dark from xrays and ct scans
6. pills are your appetizers
7. you know wich veins are good for IVs and blood draws
8. you have more medicine at home than a small pharmacy
9. you can swallow 10 pills at once
10.your medical equipment is worth more than the family car
Thursday, June 3, 2010
its been a rough year
Sometimes I think my life motto should be "if it wasn't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all". Deep down I don't believe in luck but...
I think I'm finally at a turning point. Depression is under control, working on the anxiety. I have a doctor who really cares and won't give up until I'm as close to 100% as possible...and that in turn gives me hope. I'm able to start applying things I learned in therapy since the meds are working.
But really this last year...sexual assualt, worst year my lungs have had in awhile and a pulmonary embolism scare, I've finally become resistent to cipro. My chronic migraines are back. And just to maintain normal I am taking an obscene amount of meds. At this point things can only get better.
I know God has plans and I see things getting better and falling into place. But days like this with migraines etc makes me reflect. I know once I get past all this I will be a stronger person and sometimes you have to walk through the fire to get gold.
And I know that the sexual assault is something that is going to stay with me forever. I think one can deal with it, work through it but ultimately its always a part of you.
I'm trying to make some changes in my life and work through some stuff so I can be the best Bekah possible. And through it all I can see I am blessed...wonderful therapist that I still keep in touch with, wonderful supportive family, wonderful caring doctor, a God whose plans are so much greater than mine (thats the most important!)
I think I'm finally at a turning point. Depression is under control, working on the anxiety. I have a doctor who really cares and won't give up until I'm as close to 100% as possible...and that in turn gives me hope. I'm able to start applying things I learned in therapy since the meds are working.
But really this last year...sexual assualt, worst year my lungs have had in awhile and a pulmonary embolism scare, I've finally become resistent to cipro. My chronic migraines are back. And just to maintain normal I am taking an obscene amount of meds. At this point things can only get better.
I know God has plans and I see things getting better and falling into place. But days like this with migraines etc makes me reflect. I know once I get past all this I will be a stronger person and sometimes you have to walk through the fire to get gold.
And I know that the sexual assault is something that is going to stay with me forever. I think one can deal with it, work through it but ultimately its always a part of you.
I'm trying to make some changes in my life and work through some stuff so I can be the best Bekah possible. And through it all I can see I am blessed...wonderful therapist that I still keep in touch with, wonderful supportive family, wonderful caring doctor, a God whose plans are so much greater than mine (thats the most important!)
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Bekah's list of must read books
Okay I am tired and currently tired of thinking. So here you have it...Bekah's list of must read books (in no particular order)
1. The westing game
2. Ben Hur
3. Alice in wonderland
4. atleast 1 book by anne lamott
5. Girl meets God
6. atleast one discworld book by terry pratchett
7. The chronicles of narnia
8. The Harry potter series
9. Redeeming love
10. Succulent wild woman by SARK
11. Rebecca
12. Gone with the wind
13. The Hobbit
14. Hidden Joy
15. Secret life of bees
16. Little Women
17. Ender's game
18. Matilda
19. Lucky
20. MacBeth
1. The westing game
2. Ben Hur
3. Alice in wonderland
4. atleast 1 book by anne lamott
5. Girl meets God
6. atleast one discworld book by terry pratchett
7. The chronicles of narnia
8. The Harry potter series
9. Redeeming love
10. Succulent wild woman by SARK
11. Rebecca
12. Gone with the wind
13. The Hobbit
14. Hidden Joy
15. Secret life of bees
16. Little Women
17. Ender's game
18. Matilda
19. Lucky
20. MacBeth
Friday, May 28, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
graduation reflections (class of 04)
Its graduation time again and as such I have been thinking about my own graduation. Its hard to believe I have been out of school for 6 years!
I fought hard to finish school.even being homeschooled I was so sick I missed a year of school..my 10th grade year. So I finished a year later than I should have. But as sick as I was as a teenager graduating at all was a big thing. I doubt my highschool years were typical as they were spent at the hospital and doctor's office. Spent on steroids. Spent so sick I couldn't lift my head up. I would either sleep all morning and do schoolwork all afternoon or do schoolwork all morning and sleep all afternoon. That was when I was doing relatively well. Add anxiety and depression to cystic fibrosis and well...my teen years were not fun.
My life has not taken the path I planned. Once upon a time I dreamed of college....cystic fibrosis, a weak immune system, depression and anxiety have robbed me of that. Once I dreamed of a full time job...once again my health problems have robbed that from me. I did not plan (DUH!) on becoming a rape survivor at 23 years old.
Sometimes I wonder what people see when they look at me. Do they see a loser who sits at home all day? Do they see instead someone fighting for her life? Do they know even a cold can put me in the hospital? Or that I have fought depression so bad I couldn't get out of bed. Do they know I take an enormous amounts of medicine to stay alive.
I hope people don't judge me by the cover. Yes I am single, living at home and not working. I would gladly trade my life for a normal life...or would I? I'm not lazy, I'm not weird, I'm not gay, I'm not mooching off my parents.
This is not how I saw myself at 25 back when I was 19 and finishing high school. Most days I'm just thankful to be alive and be able to get out of bed and do normal stuff
Friday, May 14, 2010
Great Strides
A huge thank you to everyone who has generously donated to my Great Strides walk! Your money will help give me and others like me more tomorrows!
Tomorrow my mom, dad and I will be walking for team bekah boo at the old air force base. Altogether I raised $290!!!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Butterflies pt 2
So I've been thinking and have some more things to say on the subject of butterflies.
I'm sure some people think its weird that I am a Christian and focus on butterflies seemingly more than the cross. I have tons of butterfly jewelry and one cross necklace and one messianic star of david necklace.
I don't think its weird. To me butterflies capture 2 corinthians 5:17 perfectly (17Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!). The old me was a caterpillar, the change and accepting Christ the cocoon and the butterfly is the new creation.
And in way more ways I am a new person though. Not only from the transformation of becoming a Christian but God's work through a wonderful doctor and medication to help me become even more of a new creation and new person. In some ways I feel ready to try my wings out but then I'm still scared to fly, scared my wings won't hold me.
Some days I have to remind myself that I am a beyootiful butterfly even though I might not always feel it. I'm made to fly!
I'm sure some people think its weird that I am a Christian and focus on butterflies seemingly more than the cross. I have tons of butterfly jewelry and one cross necklace and one messianic star of david necklace.
I don't think its weird. To me butterflies capture 2 corinthians 5:17 perfectly (17Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!). The old me was a caterpillar, the change and accepting Christ the cocoon and the butterfly is the new creation.
And in way more ways I am a new person though. Not only from the transformation of becoming a Christian but God's work through a wonderful doctor and medication to help me become even more of a new creation and new person. In some ways I feel ready to try my wings out but then I'm still scared to fly, scared my wings won't hold me.
Some days I have to remind myself that I am a beyootiful butterfly even though I might not always feel it. I'm made to fly!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
A mother's day tribute to my mom
With mother's day being sunday I wanted to dedicate a blog post to my mom.
I happen to think my mom is the most incredible mom ever. I'm sure most people think that but I'm convinced my mom really is. She's been dealt hands that few mothers are.
I'm sure every mother expects a healthy baby who will grow up into a healthy adult. Some mother's don't get that. My mom being one of them. I am the same age my mom was when I was born and yet can't imagine some of the heart break she has gone through.
My problems started almost from birth. At 6 months old my mom was told I most likely had retinoblastoma.....thankfully that diagnosis was wrong. But I did have eye problems that required many surgeries and many trips down to MUSC. My mom saw me carried into surgery screaming and crying so many times. She's been the one with the child post op who is awake and yelling for jello while all the other kids post op are still sleeping.
My mom has fought many battles for me and continues to. When my lung problems started she fought and fought for a diagnosis and the best treatment possible. When I started showing signs of depression she drove me to therapy 2hrs each way for 7 years. She has made sure I have had the best medical care, the best medications and the best help no matter the cost to her.
Despite a diagnosis of cystic fibrosis she has remained positive even when I haven't. She has encouraged me, prayed for me and walked with me every step of the way. Same thing in my battle against depression. She has helped me raise money for Great Strides, supported me in my fundraising efforts.
She has sat on the bathroom floor with me during bad panic attacks, slept by my hospital bed while I was hooked up to IVs, oxygen and moniters, she has spent nights awake with me, nights in the ER. Just this past winter she was with me all the way through a pulmonary embolism scare.
In the midst of all this she has also raised my brother, helped my dad run numerous businesses, fought her own battle with breast cancer, nursed my dad through a stroke and given up 5 years of her life to homeschool me when I was too sick to go to school.
She is what I call an inspirational woman. If I can be half the woman she has been then I will be happy. I don't know if I ever will have kids but if I do, I hope I can be like her
I happen to think my mom is the most incredible mom ever. I'm sure most people think that but I'm convinced my mom really is. She's been dealt hands that few mothers are.
I'm sure every mother expects a healthy baby who will grow up into a healthy adult. Some mother's don't get that. My mom being one of them. I am the same age my mom was when I was born and yet can't imagine some of the heart break she has gone through.
My problems started almost from birth. At 6 months old my mom was told I most likely had retinoblastoma.....thankfully that diagnosis was wrong. But I did have eye problems that required many surgeries and many trips down to MUSC. My mom saw me carried into surgery screaming and crying so many times. She's been the one with the child post op who is awake and yelling for jello while all the other kids post op are still sleeping.
My mom has fought many battles for me and continues to. When my lung problems started she fought and fought for a diagnosis and the best treatment possible. When I started showing signs of depression she drove me to therapy 2hrs each way for 7 years. She has made sure I have had the best medical care, the best medications and the best help no matter the cost to her.
Despite a diagnosis of cystic fibrosis she has remained positive even when I haven't. She has encouraged me, prayed for me and walked with me every step of the way. Same thing in my battle against depression. She has helped me raise money for Great Strides, supported me in my fundraising efforts.
She has sat on the bathroom floor with me during bad panic attacks, slept by my hospital bed while I was hooked up to IVs, oxygen and moniters, she has spent nights awake with me, nights in the ER. Just this past winter she was with me all the way through a pulmonary embolism scare.
In the midst of all this she has also raised my brother, helped my dad run numerous businesses, fought her own battle with breast cancer, nursed my dad through a stroke and given up 5 years of her life to homeschool me when I was too sick to go to school.
She is what I call an inspirational woman. If I can be half the woman she has been then I will be happy. I don't know if I ever will have kids but if I do, I hope I can be like her
Monday, May 3, 2010
SO
I went to the doctor this morning. Seems the higher dose of Seroquel is helping the depression a great deal. However the anxiety is not under control so we are doing a trial of BuSpar. Its a non addictive, very safe anti-anxiety med.
Hopefully this will be my combo and hopefully this will be THE dose of seroquel for me.
Have I mentioned I love my doctor? Truly she is excellent..very sensitive, a great listener and truly cares. I've had so many bad experiences with doctors that it is nice to now have an awesome doctor and be having good experiences.
So yeah that was my appointment this morning. I go back in a month. If I may ask for prayers...please pray my patience assistance application for Seroquel is approved so I am able to get it at no charge. I have no drug coverage right now and that stuff is EXPENSIVE! I'm using samples right now and have enough for about 20 days. If it doesn't get approved we will have to start the drug merry go round again as I will be switched to risperdal (same class but its generic). And I hate to do that considering seroquel is working so well
Other than that its been a lazy day. Storms forcasted for tonight. So me and Ellie took advantage of the nice weather that is currently going on and took a long golf cart ride and even went to the park. I love my golden retriever baby :-)
Hopefully this will be my combo and hopefully this will be THE dose of seroquel for me.
Have I mentioned I love my doctor? Truly she is excellent..very sensitive, a great listener and truly cares. I've had so many bad experiences with doctors that it is nice to now have an awesome doctor and be having good experiences.
So yeah that was my appointment this morning. I go back in a month. If I may ask for prayers...please pray my patience assistance application for Seroquel is approved so I am able to get it at no charge. I have no drug coverage right now and that stuff is EXPENSIVE! I'm using samples right now and have enough for about 20 days. If it doesn't get approved we will have to start the drug merry go round again as I will be switched to risperdal (same class but its generic). And I hate to do that considering seroquel is working so well
Other than that its been a lazy day. Storms forcasted for tonight. So me and Ellie took advantage of the nice weather that is currently going on and took a long golf cart ride and even went to the park. I love my golden retriever baby :-)
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Butterflies.
So yes I am slightly obsessed with butterflies. How did that happen you may ask?
Two things. The first was a story I received in an email forward. Its about a man who decides to help a butterfly out of its cocoon and the butterfly is never able to fly because the struggle to get out of the cocoon is what gives it the strength to fly. I did research and found that indeed if you help a butterfly out of its cocoon it will never fly. And lots of times will also die. Its strength and ability to fly come from the struggle to break out of the cocoon. Yes its a lot of work but without the butterfly will never fly. http://www.heartnsouls.com/stories/e/s473.shtml
http://www.pediatricservices.com/parents/pc-02.htm
The 2nd thing was the movie A Bug's Life. Remember the fat ugly caterpillar who walks around saying that one day he will b e a beyootiful butterfly? He waits and waits. Then at the end of the movie he has become a butterfly...still the slightly ugly caterpillar but he was wings! And he is so excited because he is a beyootiful butterfly now.
I also think butterflies are an amazing comparison to our own lives. Change is painful, transformation hurts, our experiences may be difficult but thats what makes us able to face life, for us to one day fly.
Its also an amazing parallel to our spiritual lives. We were ugly caterpillars with no hope until Christ. And then we are given new life in Christ and turned into a beautiful new creation...like a butterfly.
I like the caterpillar in a bug's life hold out hope that one day I will be a beyootiful butterfly and that all I have been through will enable me to soar higher than I ever dreamed. And boy what a day when I finally take off!
Two things. The first was a story I received in an email forward. Its about a man who decides to help a butterfly out of its cocoon and the butterfly is never able to fly because the struggle to get out of the cocoon is what gives it the strength to fly. I did research and found that indeed if you help a butterfly out of its cocoon it will never fly. And lots of times will also die. Its strength and ability to fly come from the struggle to break out of the cocoon. Yes its a lot of work but without the butterfly will never fly. http://www.heartnsouls.com/stories/e/s473.shtml
http://www.pediatricservices.com/parents/pc-02.htm
The 2nd thing was the movie A Bug's Life. Remember the fat ugly caterpillar who walks around saying that one day he will b e a beyootiful butterfly? He waits and waits. Then at the end of the movie he has become a butterfly...still the slightly ugly caterpillar but he was wings! And he is so excited because he is a beyootiful butterfly now.
I also think butterflies are an amazing comparison to our own lives. Change is painful, transformation hurts, our experiences may be difficult but thats what makes us able to face life, for us to one day fly.
Its also an amazing parallel to our spiritual lives. We were ugly caterpillars with no hope until Christ. And then we are given new life in Christ and turned into a beautiful new creation...like a butterfly.
I like the caterpillar in a bug's life hold out hope that one day I will be a beyootiful butterfly and that all I have been through will enable me to soar higher than I ever dreamed. And boy what a day when I finally take off!
Friday, April 30, 2010
randomness
So my birthday was last saturday...pics to come soon! The big 25! Unfortunatly saturday afternoon I spiked a 102 temp and had to start antibiotics. Fortunatly Friday was actually the day we celebrated.
I got lots of great stuff and a lot of butterfly themed stuff. I <3 butterflies!
Great Strides is 2 weeks from saturday! Registration starts at 9AM, walk begins at 10. Lots of fun and food! Come walk with team Bekah Boo! Its at the old air force base in myrtle beach. Come show your support for me and all of those who live with CF
As for the rest of life....I had another melt down wednesday and we had to up the Seroquel to 100mg and add Klonopin. I've always had bad anxiety issues and lately have also been dealing with panic attacks. Hopefully the Klonopin will only be until the seroquel dose kicks in. But I have a feeling something else will have to be done for the anxiety besides seroquel. I was still have panic attacks on Seroquel. Anyway I go back monday to the doc and we will reevaluate. Just aiming for best quality of life and the most depression and anxiety free life possible.
I got lots of great stuff and a lot of butterfly themed stuff. I <3 butterflies!
Great Strides is 2 weeks from saturday! Registration starts at 9AM, walk begins at 10. Lots of fun and food! Come walk with team Bekah Boo! Its at the old air force base in myrtle beach. Come show your support for me and all of those who live with CF
As for the rest of life....I had another melt down wednesday and we had to up the Seroquel to 100mg and add Klonopin. I've always had bad anxiety issues and lately have also been dealing with panic attacks. Hopefully the Klonopin will only be until the seroquel dose kicks in. But I have a feeling something else will have to be done for the anxiety besides seroquel. I was still have panic attacks on Seroquel. Anyway I go back monday to the doc and we will reevaluate. Just aiming for best quality of life and the most depression and anxiety free life possible.
Friday, April 16, 2010
random
Dear Brain,
We've had almost 25 years together and for most of those you have betrayed me. You and your serotonin and dopamine and other chemicals. I know its not that you hated me, you just couldn't help it. Well now I got you the help you needed and you have medicine to help take burden off. I ask that you behave for atleast a little while and let the seroquel and prozac do their work. So brain please please behave. I love you and the work you do for me, you keep me a live,make me brilliant. Now I am just asking you to let those meds do their job so we can add keeping me happy to your job description. And brain...sometimes just sometimes can you quit thinking...its a curse being smart I know and sometimes I just want to be dumb
Well thanks old buddy
We've had almost 25 years together and for most of those you have betrayed me. You and your serotonin and dopamine and other chemicals. I know its not that you hated me, you just couldn't help it. Well now I got you the help you needed and you have medicine to help take burden off. I ask that you behave for atleast a little while and let the seroquel and prozac do their work. So brain please please behave. I love you and the work you do for me, you keep me a live,make me brilliant. Now I am just asking you to let those meds do their job so we can add keeping me happy to your job description. And brain...sometimes just sometimes can you quit thinking...its a curse being smart I know and sometimes I just want to be dumb
Well thanks old buddy
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
things I've learned
So its been a really good week. So far Seroquel has been a miracle drug for me...so much so that keeping me on it long term is being considered. I'm sleeping at night, wanting to do stuff during the day, smiling and laughing. So maybe just maybe Prozac and Seroquel will be the combo that does it for me. It does feel great to be sleeping at night and NOT sleeping all day
I've been fighting the depression/anxiety battle almost as long as I've -been fighting cystic fibrosis. Heres a few tidbits I've learned...........
1. There is no shame in needing anti-depressants. It seems that a lot of people see it as something to be ashamed of. I'm no more ashamed of needing prozac and seroquel than I am of needing metformin for insulin issues or ventolin for my lungs. There should be no stigma attached..unfortunatly there is but there shouldn't be. This seems to be even more of a problems among Christians
2. There is someone out there who can help you! I've seen numerous doctors. I felt like lots of them either didn't want to help or didn't know how. It may have taken a long time but I now have a doctor who wants to help, is willing to work with me and won't stop until she finds something that will help. Thats a good feeling. Believe me I've been down the road of feeling like I would never find anyone who could or wanted to help. I've seen doctors who have left me in tears because they were so insensitive. But trust me..there is someone out there who can and will help you! I am living proof of that one
3. There is no shame in admitting you need help
4. Its much better to be open about your struggles. Secrecy breeds shame. I have nothing to be ashamed about and the more open I am...the more that it enforces that. And in our openess maybe just maybe we will impact someone else
5. God is there. Even when it doesn't feel like He is! Feelings lie. Its hard to believe and see when you are in such a bad state but hold on to it even if you don't 100% believe it. And you will believe it when you keep telling yourself that and keep holding on to it
6. Never do anything major when depressed or irrational. Never make big purchase decisions, never decide to dye your hair a funky color, never make any life changing decisions
7. take your medicine. take it faithfully and don't quit just because you feel better
I've been fighting the depression/anxiety battle almost as long as I've -been fighting cystic fibrosis. Heres a few tidbits I've learned...........
1. There is no shame in needing anti-depressants. It seems that a lot of people see it as something to be ashamed of. I'm no more ashamed of needing prozac and seroquel than I am of needing metformin for insulin issues or ventolin for my lungs. There should be no stigma attached..unfortunatly there is but there shouldn't be. This seems to be even more of a problems among Christians
2. There is someone out there who can help you! I've seen numerous doctors. I felt like lots of them either didn't want to help or didn't know how. It may have taken a long time but I now have a doctor who wants to help, is willing to work with me and won't stop until she finds something that will help. Thats a good feeling. Believe me I've been down the road of feeling like I would never find anyone who could or wanted to help. I've seen doctors who have left me in tears because they were so insensitive. But trust me..there is someone out there who can and will help you! I am living proof of that one
3. There is no shame in admitting you need help
4. Its much better to be open about your struggles. Secrecy breeds shame. I have nothing to be ashamed about and the more open I am...the more that it enforces that. And in our openess maybe just maybe we will impact someone else
5. God is there. Even when it doesn't feel like He is! Feelings lie. Its hard to believe and see when you are in such a bad state but hold on to it even if you don't 100% believe it. And you will believe it when you keep telling yourself that and keep holding on to it
6. Never do anything major when depressed or irrational. Never make big purchase decisions, never decide to dye your hair a funky color, never make any life changing decisions
7. take your medicine. take it faithfully and don't quit just because you feel better
Monday, April 12, 2010
Its been a long week
Okay so the great prozac switch started last tuesday. Things seemed okay wednesday and thurssday and then all hell(excuse my language) broke loose on friday. I needed something that would work fast and would stabilize me fast so I was started on Seroquel. Seroquel is an anti-pyschotic used in bipolar (which I don't have) and is also used in treatment resistant depression (which I might possibly have) and severe depression (which I do have). So I went back in today and things are good. I was given a month of seroquel and we will reevaluate then.
Hopefully I will eventually be able to come off of it...seroquel is pretty strong stuff and the less meds the better. But if not then atleast I have something that works because Seroquel has been a miracle drug! I'm sleeping, I have energy, I want to do things. So for now I am on seroquel and prozac. There are some concerns with side effects that we are monitering (weight and blood sugar) but so far so good...I'm not even that drowsy
Thankfully in the midst of all this my lungs are good. Spring has been kind to me. Soome asthma issues from the pollen but overall good. Cystic Fibrosis is being kind to me right now...for now the beast is sleeping...ever lurking but not wreaking havoc
Hopefully I will eventually be able to come off of it...seroquel is pretty strong stuff and the less meds the better. But if not then atleast I have something that works because Seroquel has been a miracle drug! I'm sleeping, I have energy, I want to do things. So for now I am on seroquel and prozac. There are some concerns with side effects that we are monitering (weight and blood sugar) but so far so good...I'm not even that drowsy
Thankfully in the midst of all this my lungs are good. Spring has been kind to me. Soome asthma issues from the pollen but overall good. Cystic Fibrosis is being kind to me right now...for now the beast is sleeping...ever lurking but not wreaking havoc
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Prozac day 2
So its day two...so far things have not been worse and no mood swings. YAY. Atleast if those do come the doctor did prepare me for it.
I've felt a little funky in the head but hey whats new. I actually got dressed, did my hair and went shopping today. I did have this strange want to buy funky color hair dye in Sally's and dye my hair...I resisted but hey maybe I should have done it and blamed it on the med change. I guess if thats the weirdest thing and worst thing I've wanted to do
Other than being sleepy and having a little headache things are going fairly well. I'm still rather down but I'm determined to push myself to do more than lie in bed and stare at the ceiling like I have been doing. I know all that inactivity isn't good for more lungs. I don't how much those good intentions are going to do me but hey I did go shopping (retail therapy!) and am going to try to make myself go swimming tomorrow even if all I do is float on a noodle.
Holding onto God tighter than ever right now and even in the midst of all this realize I have lots to thank God for and am indeed blessed
I've felt a little funky in the head but hey whats new. I actually got dressed, did my hair and went shopping today. I did have this strange want to buy funky color hair dye in Sally's and dye my hair...I resisted but hey maybe I should have done it and blamed it on the med change. I guess if thats the weirdest thing and worst thing I've wanted to do
Other than being sleepy and having a little headache things are going fairly well. I'm still rather down but I'm determined to push myself to do more than lie in bed and stare at the ceiling like I have been doing. I know all that inactivity isn't good for more lungs. I don't how much those good intentions are going to do me but hey I did go shopping (retail therapy!) and am going to try to make myself go swimming tomorrow even if all I do is float on a noodle.
Holding onto God tighter than ever right now and even in the midst of all this realize I have lots to thank God for and am indeed blessed
Monday, April 5, 2010
So not a good start to the week
So its been a rough month, getting progressively rougher as time goes on. Decided to suck it up and go to the doc today. Turns out my Celexa is giving out on me so I start Prozac tomorrow/ I am hoping it works...I've been on prozac with good results before though I have been warned that things will suck until the prozac really kicks in
If you never experienced mental illness then count yourself lucky. If you have then I know you can relate. It had gotten to the point I didn't want to move...just lay in the bed and stare at the ceiling. Just totally hopeless feeling. I've had many many diagnoses ranging fromPTSD to clinical depression to generalized anxiety to social anxiety and more.
Believe me if I had a choice of being free of CF or being free of mental/emotional illness I would choose the emotional illness to get rid of
I know God is holding me and I know He is there. I'm trying to trust Him and hold on to that. "That the hands that made the world are holding me". Its hard though...its hard not to give up. I know God has plans for me and isn't through with me yet but sometimes in the midst of struggling I can't fathom how anything good could come from the struggles
If you never experienced mental illness then count yourself lucky. If you have then I know you can relate. It had gotten to the point I didn't want to move...just lay in the bed and stare at the ceiling. Just totally hopeless feeling. I've had many many diagnoses ranging fromPTSD to clinical depression to generalized anxiety to social anxiety and more.
Believe me if I had a choice of being free of CF or being free of mental/emotional illness I would choose the emotional illness to get rid of
I know God is holding me and I know He is there. I'm trying to trust Him and hold on to that. "That the hands that made the world are holding me". Its hard though...its hard not to give up. I know God has plans for me and isn't through with me yet but sometimes in the midst of struggling I can't fathom how anything good could come from the struggles
Thursday, April 1, 2010
What does it take to fight CF?
Or alteast what does it take to keep the beast at bay? Cystic Fibrosis really is a high maintenance disease.
I do atleast 4 nebulizer treatments a day (albuterol and Hypertonic saline 2x a day), 30 minutes of the Vest 2x a day and sometimes follow that up with 10 minutes of the Acapella , 2 puffs of Symbicort 2x a day. Ventolin inhaler as needed through the day/night, nasonex 1x a day and sinus washes twice a day. This is the bare minimum. I've spent most of the winter with the vest and nebulizer treatments 4x a day and added meds to the neb treatments
In addition I take atleast two pills every time I eat, vitamins, calcium (at just 16 my bones were borderline osteoporosis), protonix etc.
Its not just the meds and therapy that keep the monster at bay. Its also a healthy dose of optimism, determination, faith and lots of prayer...both mine and those of others! Its living everyday to the fullest and savoring the healthy days and pushing through the not so healthy. Its having trust in the doctors. Its knowing that God is with me every step of the way
THATS what it takes to fight CF
I do atleast 4 nebulizer treatments a day (albuterol and Hypertonic saline 2x a day), 30 minutes of the Vest 2x a day and sometimes follow that up with 10 minutes of the Acapella , 2 puffs of Symbicort 2x a day. Ventolin inhaler as needed through the day/night, nasonex 1x a day and sinus washes twice a day. This is the bare minimum. I've spent most of the winter with the vest and nebulizer treatments 4x a day and added meds to the neb treatments
In addition I take atleast two pills every time I eat, vitamins, calcium (at just 16 my bones were borderline osteoporosis), protonix etc.
Its not just the meds and therapy that keep the monster at bay. Its also a healthy dose of optimism, determination, faith and lots of prayer...both mine and those of others! Its living everyday to the fullest and savoring the healthy days and pushing through the not so healthy. Its having trust in the doctors. Its knowing that God is with me every step of the way
THATS what it takes to fight CF
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
feelings lie
So today has been a "blah" day today....its 6:30 and all I want to do is crawl into bed
Its days like today I try to remember feelings vs truth (and a big thanks to the awesome randy hiatt for this lesson...one of the many things I learned during therapy with him)
Even if I feel like God doesn't love me, like the whole world is against me and everyone hates me....feeling those things doesn't make them true. Its time like this that you have to fall back onto knowledge. I know God loves me, I know he fearfully and wonderfully made me and that all things work together for good for those that know him. I know these things because the Bible tells me these things and I believe the Bible is THE word of God.
I know the world isn't against me and noone hates me because I can look at all the support...the notes, emails and facebook comments and see that I am very much loved and supported
Emotions are fickle...ask any teenage girl or pmsing woman! THey change frequently. We have to build our lives on what we know to be true and not what we feel. This is especially true I have found with God...because we won't always have those fuzzy God loves emotions. Things will be tough, we will sometimes feel like he has left us...thats when we rely on what we know and we know He never leaves us
Its days like today I try to remember feelings vs truth (and a big thanks to the awesome randy hiatt for this lesson...one of the many things I learned during therapy with him)
Even if I feel like God doesn't love me, like the whole world is against me and everyone hates me....feeling those things doesn't make them true. Its time like this that you have to fall back onto knowledge. I know God loves me, I know he fearfully and wonderfully made me and that all things work together for good for those that know him. I know these things because the Bible tells me these things and I believe the Bible is THE word of God.
I know the world isn't against me and noone hates me because I can look at all the support...the notes, emails and facebook comments and see that I am very much loved and supported
Emotions are fickle...ask any teenage girl or pmsing woman! THey change frequently. We have to build our lives on what we know to be true and not what we feel. This is especially true I have found with God...because we won't always have those fuzzy God loves emotions. Things will be tough, we will sometimes feel like he has left us...thats when we rely on what we know and we know He never leaves us
Sunday, March 28, 2010
A conversation you don't hear everyday...
This was in Walgreens....in the hair dye aisle
Me: Do you think I'd look good as a redhead?
My mom: Why would you want to dye your hair?
Me: Midlife crisis
My mom: You're just turning 25, a little young for a midlife crisis
me: Yeah but I might not live long enough to have one when I'm supposed to I'm having one now..and being optimistic that 25 is my midlife and I'll see 50. Besides it would be awful to die without a midlife crisis and I want to make sure I get one
my mom: okay so we'll have mother/daughter midlife crisises now
Yes we're weird and I know other CF families reading this will appreciate it most. I can only imagine what others in walgreens thought. for what its worth my hair is still brown. I think red is too tame for me...maybe blue or purple
Me: Do you think I'd look good as a redhead?
My mom: Why would you want to dye your hair?
Me: Midlife crisis
My mom: You're just turning 25, a little young for a midlife crisis
me: Yeah but I might not live long enough to have one when I'm supposed to I'm having one now..and being optimistic that 25 is my midlife and I'll see 50. Besides it would be awful to die without a midlife crisis and I want to make sure I get one
my mom: okay so we'll have mother/daughter midlife crisises now
Yes we're weird and I know other CF families reading this will appreciate it most. I can only imagine what others in walgreens thought. for what its worth my hair is still brown. I think red is too tame for me...maybe blue or purple
Saturday, March 27, 2010
A year has now passed...ramblings
I think we all know evil exists. Even kids. I can still vividly remember being terrified in the early 90s watching the news when the "lowcountry serial rapist"(duncan proctor) was on the prowl. Heck I can remember when he was caught and how relieved I was. I was only 5-7 years old when he was terrorizing Charleston (over an hour away from my sleepy little town). I sure didn't know what a rapist was but I knew he was an evil man. Sure that was again brought up as I watched the oklahoma city bombings, columbine and 9/11.
But there is a HUGE difference in knowing evil exists and meeting it first hand. Its terrible hearing evil on the news or to hear other people talk about it...its another when the evil happens to you. When for a while you are staring into the eyes of the closest thing to a devil you will see on earth.
A year passed March 14 since the assault. How I wish I was still that 7 year old who didn't know what a rapist was! March 14 brought lots of memories, feelings and the need for xanax. It amazes me (in a bad way!) how much the body as well as the mind remembers
I wish I could say that I trust in God and therefore everything is okay. I do trust in God...I'm holding tight to Him but I've realized that just means he gives the courage and strength to get through the hard stuff not that he takes it away so we never face anything tough. And maybe its during those tough times we realize He is our everything and learn to hold on tight.
I never want to be a victim, I'm getting sick of being a survivor...I just want to be who I was before. And I will never be her again...I'm coming to terms with that. I'm trying to find the new me and I guess like it or not the new me is a rape survivor
But there is a HUGE difference in knowing evil exists and meeting it first hand. Its terrible hearing evil on the news or to hear other people talk about it...its another when the evil happens to you. When for a while you are staring into the eyes of the closest thing to a devil you will see on earth.
A year passed March 14 since the assault. How I wish I was still that 7 year old who didn't know what a rapist was! March 14 brought lots of memories, feelings and the need for xanax. It amazes me (in a bad way!) how much the body as well as the mind remembers
I wish I could say that I trust in God and therefore everything is okay. I do trust in God...I'm holding tight to Him but I've realized that just means he gives the courage and strength to get through the hard stuff not that he takes it away so we never face anything tough. And maybe its during those tough times we realize He is our everything and learn to hold on tight.
I never want to be a victim, I'm getting sick of being a survivor...I just want to be who I was before. And I will never be her again...I'm coming to terms with that. I'm trying to find the new me and I guess like it or not the new me is a rape survivor
Thursday, February 25, 2010
So....
I've been at a loss for words lately...very unusual for me.
As the one year anniversary of the attack is getting closer , I have started thinking about the journey of the last year. I found an Abraham Lincoln quote that I hope describes it..."I may walk slowly but I never walk backwards". While sometimes I have walked extremely slow on this healing journey and sometimes have stalled, I hope that I never walked backwards.
Sometimes I doubt that. As it comes upon one year I find myself once again uncomfortable being alone, uncomfortable outside unless Ellie is with me, uncomfortable in the dark and 100% unwilling to be alone at night. Some of these throughout the year had gotten better but as the 1 year mark looms they have come back. I don't think the mind or body ever forgets the day and I tend to think my body is reacting to that. Sounds funny but it really goes with whats been going on over the last few weeks
Oddly enough I have found myself unable to write, journal etc. I just can't find words to describe what is going on inside me
Do i wish what happened had not happened? YES! Do I see that its shaping me into who I am going to be and has helped me develop not only myself but has drawn me closer to God
\
I am reading Joni Eareckson Tada's latest book and one chapter on prayer stood out and that was about how God understands when we just cannot pray, when we cannot find the words...when our prayers are limited to "help me God". That He understands, that He listens, he reads between the lines. Such a comfort to me in times like this last week or so when try as I might no prayer or atleast understandable prayer would come out...God knows what I meant, He knows I was trying\
As these weeks go by and March 14th comes..pray for me. For strength. For my anxiety to lessen. For me to face the day head on and well just pray
As the one year anniversary of the attack is getting closer , I have started thinking about the journey of the last year. I found an Abraham Lincoln quote that I hope describes it..."I may walk slowly but I never walk backwards". While sometimes I have walked extremely slow on this healing journey and sometimes have stalled, I hope that I never walked backwards.
Sometimes I doubt that. As it comes upon one year I find myself once again uncomfortable being alone, uncomfortable outside unless Ellie is with me, uncomfortable in the dark and 100% unwilling to be alone at night. Some of these throughout the year had gotten better but as the 1 year mark looms they have come back. I don't think the mind or body ever forgets the day and I tend to think my body is reacting to that. Sounds funny but it really goes with whats been going on over the last few weeks
Oddly enough I have found myself unable to write, journal etc. I just can't find words to describe what is going on inside me
Do i wish what happened had not happened? YES! Do I see that its shaping me into who I am going to be and has helped me develop not only myself but has drawn me closer to God
\
I am reading Joni Eareckson Tada's latest book and one chapter on prayer stood out and that was about how God understands when we just cannot pray, when we cannot find the words...when our prayers are limited to "help me God". That He understands, that He listens, he reads between the lines. Such a comfort to me in times like this last week or so when try as I might no prayer or atleast understandable prayer would come out...God knows what I meant, He knows I was trying\
As these weeks go by and March 14th comes..pray for me. For strength. For my anxiety to lessen. For me to face the day head on and well just pray
Thursday, January 14, 2010
10 months
Today has been exactly 10 months since "IT" happened.
Let me just say...time heals all wounds is so false. Its been a rollercoaster of a 10 months. Some days it feels like it was years ago, some days it feels like it was yesterday. Some images don't fade and I doubt I ever forget his face
In some wyas its harder now than it was right after it happened. Loads of people were there for me then but as time goes on, people move on...they forget...they are afraid to bring it up....they think I should have moved on. So now its me, God, my blog, my journal and my golden retriever on this long hard journey
I know healing can and will come but it takes time....way more time than people think. Rape is a life changing, traumatizing thing.
Sometimes it just feels like life is never going to give me a break. As if major health issues weren't enough lets add rape to the list of things to go wrong in rebekah's life. Sorry for the temporary pity party.....prednisone
Seriously though...I am not over, it still haunts me every day. I am working through it but it is a very lonely journey
Let me just say...time heals all wounds is so false. Its been a rollercoaster of a 10 months. Some days it feels like it was years ago, some days it feels like it was yesterday. Some images don't fade and I doubt I ever forget his face
In some wyas its harder now than it was right after it happened. Loads of people were there for me then but as time goes on, people move on...they forget...they are afraid to bring it up....they think I should have moved on. So now its me, God, my blog, my journal and my golden retriever on this long hard journey
I know healing can and will come but it takes time....way more time than people think. Rape is a life changing, traumatizing thing.
Sometimes it just feels like life is never going to give me a break. As if major health issues weren't enough lets add rape to the list of things to go wrong in rebekah's life. Sorry for the temporary pity party.....prednisone
Seriously though...I am not over, it still haunts me every day. I am working through it but it is a very lonely journey
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Random facts about moi
So I'm tired and uncreative tonight so sue me ;-)
So here are some random facts about me.............
Pink is my favorite color
I love butterflies...something so spiritual and symbolic about them...butterflies are a special thing between me and God.
I also love dolphins
Ham and pineapple pizza is my favorite food
I love music
I read all the time
I love to write and have been told I'm very gifted at it
I've been called a genius....take that as you will
People fascinate me...I love to hear people's stories and learning things about people
I'm a Christian though I don't really identify with any particular denomination. I'm just a Christian :-)
NCIS is my favorite show...you could say I'm slightly obsessed
I'm a guitar hero addict
I love buttered popcorn jelly bellies
I hosted Burke P bear as part of Burke's Tour
I very much believe in angels and that God gives us each a guardian angel
Ben Hur, Redeeming love and Ender's game are my favorite books
I'm very sentimental
I'm a little too empathetic and sensitive
I've seen every episode of ER
Ellie my golden retriever is my best friend
I quote movies and NCIS all the time
Happy Bunny is cool
I raised my cat Dusty from an orphaned 3wk old kitten
I collect crosses...I didn't start out to but it just kinda happened and well the Cross is such an important symbol
I like to sleep
So here are some random facts about me.............
Pink is my favorite color
I love butterflies...something so spiritual and symbolic about them...butterflies are a special thing between me and God.
I also love dolphins
Ham and pineapple pizza is my favorite food
I love music
I read all the time
I love to write and have been told I'm very gifted at it
I've been called a genius....take that as you will
People fascinate me...I love to hear people's stories and learning things about people
I'm a Christian though I don't really identify with any particular denomination. I'm just a Christian :-)
NCIS is my favorite show...you could say I'm slightly obsessed
I'm a guitar hero addict
I love buttered popcorn jelly bellies
I hosted Burke P bear as part of Burke's Tour
I very much believe in angels and that God gives us each a guardian angel
Ben Hur, Redeeming love and Ender's game are my favorite books
I'm very sentimental
I'm a little too empathetic and sensitive
I've seen every episode of ER
Ellie my golden retriever is my best friend
I quote movies and NCIS all the time
Happy Bunny is cool
I raised my cat Dusty from an orphaned 3wk old kitten
I collect crosses...I didn't start out to but it just kinda happened and well the Cross is such an important symbol
I like to sleep
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