random thoughts

I want to write but I don't know what I want to write. I'm blocked. I have lots of things I want to say but then I don't know how. I don't know where to start. Sometimes it feels like I have 1,000 things going on in my head and am being pulled in a lot of different directions internally

I am doing good. Best I have done in a long time, starting to really work through some of the sexual assault issues..ready to face them. I am sleeping all night thanks to my medicine with no nightmares, no being startled awake, no getting maybe 2 hours of sleep. My moods are stable, my impulse control is great, my anger is greatly managed, I'm not sleeping all day, I am getting up, dressed and showered every day. Just the little things that I wasn't doing before. My anxiety is manageable. I am so happy to finally be stabilized on my meds and doing more than just survive everyday.

But I struggle with knowing normal. Every time I get grouchy I wonder if thats a sign something is wrong, that my meds need to be upped etc. Every bad day I wonder if I am sliding backwards. I don't know what is normal. I really don't.

I am a lot more hopeful. I have a family who would do anything for me, a doctor who really cares and isn't going to give up on me. My lungs are doing good (summer is a good season for me). I am hopeful that I can get through this, hopeful that I will survive and not just survive but thrive. A little hope goes a long way.

My greatest hope is that this blog helps someone. That my story gives someone hope. I've been to brink of wanting to die, to wanting to kill myself and now I am grateful to be alive. I hope that I can help someone else. I know how lonely mental illness and sexual assault can be. If I can keep it from being that lonely for someone else then that to me would be great. I've walked through the darkest nights and have made it....