I think people don't really realize the impact that rape has. The invisible impact that perhaps noone ever sees.
I have hopes that one day life will take on a new normal but I know the old normal is gone forever and I am a changed person.
I have heard it said that rape survivors are some of the angriest people and i believe it. There have been days I have had so much anger I don't really know what to do with it. Other days I am so depressed I can't hardly force myself out of bed. Not as bad as the first month or so after but its still there.
And fear. Everything scares me. EVERYTHING. I can't stand to see anyone who resembles my perp, I can't stand to smell ciggarette smoke or to hear any of the songs that were playing during the assault. I don't talk much about the actual attack...perhaps to protect my parents, perhaps in part because its so painful and personal and I told it so many times at first....police, ER doctor and nurses etc. I will say that I don't think anyone really grasps....and I didn't really until lately...how much my life was in danger.
Surviving is like having a puzzle with no picture on the box and no clue what its supposed to look like. And trying to put it together in the dark.
I have clung to my faith and to God but it has faltered at times. I love God and hold on to all things work for good for those that love Him. And that my Saviour suffered and was abused too.
Of course life doesn't stop and new challenges come up...my mom is having a pet scan next week due to a lump that has been there 6 months on her neck and has grown. She's a breast cancer survivor so that is really freaking me out.
As much as I try to meditate on what the Bible says about worry....I still worry...I love my mom...she's been my rock and well I love her so naturally I am inclined to worry about her.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Thoughts...
Today was one of the rare days since March that I could feel the old rebekah shining through, even if just a little while.
My mom had a day off....very rare for her....beautiful SC weather....so we did what any sensible southerner would do and hit the beach.
Somewhere in the midst of swimming in the creek, playing in the waves and looking for shells I realized that I was something that has become rare for me...HAPPY! Yes I was truly happy, I was enjoying myself, letting my guard down and just having fun.
Its something that has been rare since March. Not many moments have I felt truly happy. But times like these the old rebekah peaks through and gives me the hope that things will get better and times like today will become more frequent. I experienced the same thing after being diagnosed with CF and finally came back to a place of getting my life together and deciding to live and I know I will do the same this time. Even more rare has been letting my guard down and being without anxiety...so no matter how brief that time may have been today I got a piece of myself back
My mom had a day off....very rare for her....beautiful SC weather....so we did what any sensible southerner would do and hit the beach.
Somewhere in the midst of swimming in the creek, playing in the waves and looking for shells I realized that I was something that has become rare for me...HAPPY! Yes I was truly happy, I was enjoying myself, letting my guard down and just having fun.
Its something that has been rare since March. Not many moments have I felt truly happy. But times like these the old rebekah peaks through and gives me the hope that things will get better and times like today will become more frequent. I experienced the same thing after being diagnosed with CF and finally came back to a place of getting my life together and deciding to live and I know I will do the same this time. Even more rare has been letting my guard down and being without anxiety...so no matter how brief that time may have been today I got a piece of myself back
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
the boogey man
I've had several ideas for this post floating in my head...still don't know which I will go with but I do know the story I want to start with
Picture this...late 1980s, early 1990s. My brother and I had this scary yet ridiculously hilarious mask that we dubbed the "boogey man". We were fascinated by it during daylight hours and played with it but come night insisted that it went in the closet. I will never understand how we could love that mask and fear it at the same time. Needless to say being the youngest my brother also got huge satisfaction out of scaring me with that thing. As far as I know the boogey man still lives in the attic or atleast his face does.
At some point you outgrow the thought of the boogey man and realize he doesn't exist anymore than the giant creepy easter bunny, santa claus who any other time would be called a pedophile and the disgruntled fairy with nothing better to do than to collect teeth.
If you are lucky thats the way it stays....if not you may just learn the boogey man does exist....just not quite how you pictured him. No this boogey man could look just like every other person...no green skin or orange hair like that old mask. He doesn't lurk in the dark. No this boogey man comes in my nightmares, in my flashbacks and in moments that I least expect. Sometimes I think I have moved on from being so terrified only to find out that was only a false sense of security...that deep down I am still terrified of my boogey man. Not for the fact that I think he's still out there waiting to get me but for the fact of what he's done....he's already gotten me!
Picture this...late 1980s, early 1990s. My brother and I had this scary yet ridiculously hilarious mask that we dubbed the "boogey man". We were fascinated by it during daylight hours and played with it but come night insisted that it went in the closet. I will never understand how we could love that mask and fear it at the same time. Needless to say being the youngest my brother also got huge satisfaction out of scaring me with that thing. As far as I know the boogey man still lives in the attic or atleast his face does.
At some point you outgrow the thought of the boogey man and realize he doesn't exist anymore than the giant creepy easter bunny, santa claus who any other time would be called a pedophile and the disgruntled fairy with nothing better to do than to collect teeth.
If you are lucky thats the way it stays....if not you may just learn the boogey man does exist....just not quite how you pictured him. No this boogey man could look just like every other person...no green skin or orange hair like that old mask. He doesn't lurk in the dark. No this boogey man comes in my nightmares, in my flashbacks and in moments that I least expect. Sometimes I think I have moved on from being so terrified only to find out that was only a false sense of security...that deep down I am still terrified of my boogey man. Not for the fact that I think he's still out there waiting to get me but for the fact of what he's done....he's already gotten me!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Moments that define life
There are lots of moments that define our lives. Some stick with us forever and are never forgotten. Some change us forever. All of us have those moments...whatever they may be and they aren't all good. Some could ruin our lives if we let them, others are wonderful.
Up until recently the defining moment in my life was being diagnosed with cystic fibrosis. At 16 I was old enough to comprehend just what that meant and what cystic fibrosis was. At the time the life expectancy was just 32 and I was thinking...great I'm 16 and middle aged. I've chosen to battle CF with all I have and to get involved in making the lives of others with CF better. I could have given up and not fought thinking that CF will take my life one day anyway....instead I've learned to appreciate life more, to laugh more, to enjoy every minute because we never know which will be our last.
BUT...yes there is but....I had another, awful defining moment in my life. On March 14th, 2009 my life changed forever once again. No it wasn't my health...that I could handle, I am used to those kind of curve balls.
You see I became one of 17.7 million American women ...yes million....who are victims of rape or sexual assault. In a very short period of time my life flipped upside down, totally out of control. I am not going into detail because I don't think that is important for my blog or appropriate.
A horrifying experience I doubt I will ever forget that has changed me, my life and my family forever. Physical scars heal and mostly dissapear...emotional ones are most difficult. I reported it, dealt with police and the ER and while March 14th is now 3 months in the past I still have nightmares, I still have flashbacks.
This brings me to my newest journey....going from victim to survivor which in my mind I was a survivor March 14th. Healing and not letting that scumbag ruin my life or take any more of it than he already has.
I know in a lot of ways I am blessed....believed me everytime I see a missing poster for Brittanee Drexel I am reminded that in spite of it all I am blessed. Of course 3 months ago I would have told I would have been better off if he had killed me but now I know that is so not true
I don't want pity...I don't need pity. I am writer, this is how I heal and this is a tool to help me heal. Maybe it will help someone else, maybe it will help me in unexpected ways...who knows. But this is my story, my journey and a way for me to heal.
Up until recently the defining moment in my life was being diagnosed with cystic fibrosis. At 16 I was old enough to comprehend just what that meant and what cystic fibrosis was. At the time the life expectancy was just 32 and I was thinking...great I'm 16 and middle aged. I've chosen to battle CF with all I have and to get involved in making the lives of others with CF better. I could have given up and not fought thinking that CF will take my life one day anyway....instead I've learned to appreciate life more, to laugh more, to enjoy every minute because we never know which will be our last.
BUT...yes there is but....I had another, awful defining moment in my life. On March 14th, 2009 my life changed forever once again. No it wasn't my health...that I could handle, I am used to those kind of curve balls.
You see I became one of 17.7 million American women ...yes million....who are victims of rape or sexual assault. In a very short period of time my life flipped upside down, totally out of control. I am not going into detail because I don't think that is important for my blog or appropriate.
A horrifying experience I doubt I will ever forget that has changed me, my life and my family forever. Physical scars heal and mostly dissapear...emotional ones are most difficult. I reported it, dealt with police and the ER and while March 14th is now 3 months in the past I still have nightmares, I still have flashbacks.
This brings me to my newest journey....going from victim to survivor which in my mind I was a survivor March 14th. Healing and not letting that scumbag ruin my life or take any more of it than he already has.
I know in a lot of ways I am blessed....believed me everytime I see a missing poster for Brittanee Drexel I am reminded that in spite of it all I am blessed. Of course 3 months ago I would have told I would have been better off if he had killed me but now I know that is so not true
I don't want pity...I don't need pity. I am writer, this is how I heal and this is a tool to help me heal. Maybe it will help someone else, maybe it will help me in unexpected ways...who knows. But this is my story, my journey and a way for me to heal.
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