Nothing is ever the same

I think people don't really realize the impact that rape has. The invisible impact that perhaps noone ever sees.

I have hopes that one day life will take on a new normal but I know the old normal is gone forever and I am a changed person.

I have heard it said that rape survivors are some of the angriest people and i believe it. There have been days I have had so much anger I don't really know what to do with it. Other days I am so depressed I can't hardly force myself out of bed. Not as bad as the first month or so after but its still there.

And fear. Everything scares me. EVERYTHING. I can't stand to see anyone who resembles my perp, I can't stand to smell ciggarette smoke or to hear any of the songs that were playing during the assault. I don't talk much about the actual attack...perhaps to protect my parents, perhaps in part because its so painful and personal and I told it so many times at first....police, ER doctor and nurses etc. I will say that I don't think anyone really grasps....and I didn't really until lately...how much my life was in danger.

Surviving is like having a puzzle with no picture on the box and no clue what its supposed to look like. And trying to put it together in the dark.

I have clung to my faith and to God but it has faltered at times. I love God and hold on to all things work for good for those that love Him. And that my Saviour suffered and was abused too.

Of course life doesn't stop and new challenges come up...my mom is having a pet scan next week due to a lump that has been there 6 months on her neck and has grown. She's a breast cancer survivor so that is really freaking me out.

As much as I try to meditate on what the Bible says about worry....I still worry...I love my mom...she's been my rock and well I love her so naturally I am inclined to worry about her.