My God is bigger

Veggie Tales aren't just for kids! My favorite Veggie Tales song is "my God is bigger". My God is bigger than the boogey man and the monsters on TV...

I remember growing up my brother and I had what we called the boogey man mask. It was an ugly green mask with orange hair. During the day we would play with it but when night time came we begged for it to be in a closet. I'm not sure now what was so scary about that mask and I believe it might still be in the attic

Anyway back to the song! I think sometimes we make God too small. We try to put Him in a box and limit Him to human qualities. He's not human! He's the creator of the world....there is no box big enough to hold God! He's bigger than everything. He's bigger than our problems, our fears, our illnesses and our boogey men. He's big enough to handle it all.

But we need to make Him that big. We need to believe that He is that big. Get Him out of the box and quit trying to define Him. Let Him work...quit trying to tell Him how to work! He is not human, not bound by our limitations etc. So let Him be big in your life!

A great reminder (be sure to watch the video)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85vi2pB1T5c

My favorite line "Every breath is a second chance"

Quite a powerful statement but so true. Our God is a God of 2nd chances and every breath we take is a 2nd chance. We don't have to wait until new year's day to change, we don't even have to wait until tomorrow. That next breath? Thats your 2nd chance. Did you mess up? No worries because the next breath you take is your 2nd chance

I've messed up a lot and one thing I've always held on to is that God is a God of 2nd chances. Thats seen all through the Bible. Joseph...David....Mary Magdalene....Paul.....I could name many more but these are just a few that come to mind

God doesn't care where we've been....He cares where we're going. He puts our sins as far as the east is from the west.

And its amazing He can use a single line in a song to drive this home

random thoughts

I want to write but I don't know what I want to write. I'm blocked. I have lots of things I want to say but then I don't know how. I don't know where to start. Sometimes it feels like I have 1,000 things going on in my head and am being pulled in a lot of different directions internally

I am doing good. Best I have done in a long time, starting to really work through some of the sexual assault issues..ready to face them. I am sleeping all night thanks to my medicine with no nightmares, no being startled awake, no getting maybe 2 hours of sleep. My moods are stable, my impulse control is great, my anger is greatly managed, I'm not sleeping all day, I am getting up, dressed and showered every day. Just the little things that I wasn't doing before. My anxiety is manageable. I am so happy to finally be stabilized on my meds and doing more than just survive everyday.

But I struggle with knowing normal. Every time I get grouchy I wonder if thats a sign something is wrong, that my meds need to be upped etc. Every bad day I wonder if I am sliding backwards. I don't know what is normal. I really don't.

I am a lot more hopeful. I have a family who would do anything for me, a doctor who really cares and isn't going to give up on me. My lungs are doing good (summer is a good season for me). I am hopeful that I can get through this, hopeful that I will survive and not just survive but thrive. A little hope goes a long way.

My greatest hope is that this blog helps someone. That my story gives someone hope. I've been to brink of wanting to die, to wanting to kill myself and now I am grateful to be alive. I hope that I can help someone else. I know how lonely mental illness and sexual assault can be. If I can keep it from being that lonely for someone else then that to me would be great. I've walked through the darkest nights and have made it....

Mixed feelings

So I had my doctor appointment. On the good side my lungs sounded clear and I am stable enough that my mood meds needed no upping or tweaking.

On the bad side there are now concerns about my heart. My heart rate is always above 120. So now I have a cardiac workup and cardiologist visit in my future. Nothing is scheduled because its not really urgent. I mean this has been going on for years...I just finally have a good doctor who is interested in me and my problems. Still scary to be told that though. I have had several EKGs, an Echo and spent way too much time hooked up to a heart moniter and all of those are normal. Doctor spent a long time listening to my heart and other than being fast all was normal. The general consensus is that even if everything turns out okay and its normal for me that I probably still need meds to slow it down and reduce the risk of damage

My doctor must have thought I was stable mood wise though as I don't have to go back until the end of august. And despite being on Seroquel I lost 3 pounds!

I'm working hard and am the most functional that I've been in a long time. Considering what bad shape I was in after the assualt and where I had been emotionally/mentally even years before that.