11 years ago Saturday my beloved granddaddy died after only 6 months of battling heart trouble. He was 70 which seemed old to my 14 year old self...not so much to my 25 year old self.
You can't find many men like him. He gave up a large part of his life to take care of my aunt who has down syndrome. I was lucky enough to live across the street and often visited him ...playing checkers, drinking grape soda and talking fish. He had a gorgeous aquarium of fish and helped me with mine. He also made his own incubator to hatch abandoned baby birds and take care of them. Plus who can forget his greenhouse and lemons the size of softballs! I like to think I got my love of nature from him.
11 years ago I was set to leave for camp for the first time in my life. I am sure a lot of people thought I was crazy because I still left for camp the monday after he died...the day of his funeral. Yes I missed his funeral. But he was so happy and so proud that shy anxious me wanted to go to camp that I couldn't let him down
11 years ago I was 14. A seemingly plucky but shy teenager. Teetering between childhood and the teen years still. Looking back I can see I was already "troubled"....I was already suffering from depression and anxiety. I was already at times hurting myself. But I seemed to have it all on the outside.
So I look back and 11 years ago I lost my granddad. I also lost my innocence and was slowly losing myself
Monday, June 28, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
get inside my head
scary thought huh?
Seriously...what is it like to be me?
My mind feels like it never cuts itself off. I've been described as super intelligent but that has its drawbacks. I over think. What may seem simple to you I spend hours over analyzing and can't get it off my mind. Thats where the seroquel really helps. It calms my mind. It relieves the over analyzing and constant thought. It also relieves the flashbacks and nightmares
When I'm depressed I feel like all I want to do is lay in bed and yet I can't sleep. I think everyone would be better off without me. When I get that depression I am incapable of being rational. Someone can tell me 10,000 times they love me and I will still think they would be better off without me. I don't want to take care of myself which is dangerous for someone with cystic fibrosis.....when I get really depressed my treatments fall to the wayside
Despite the racing thoughts and overthinking lots of time I have issues getting out what I want to say...even in my journal. I self censor. I am a perfectionist and therefore have a hard time letting myself go and have fun
All the meds I am on help. They really do. And the 7 years of therapy I went through. I am better now and more functional than I have been in years but now I'm having a hard time returning to the "real" world and learning to function
just a peak inside my head
Seriously...what is it like to be me?
My mind feels like it never cuts itself off. I've been described as super intelligent but that has its drawbacks. I over think. What may seem simple to you I spend hours over analyzing and can't get it off my mind. Thats where the seroquel really helps. It calms my mind. It relieves the over analyzing and constant thought. It also relieves the flashbacks and nightmares
When I'm depressed I feel like all I want to do is lay in bed and yet I can't sleep. I think everyone would be better off without me. When I get that depression I am incapable of being rational. Someone can tell me 10,000 times they love me and I will still think they would be better off without me. I don't want to take care of myself which is dangerous for someone with cystic fibrosis.....when I get really depressed my treatments fall to the wayside
Despite the racing thoughts and overthinking lots of time I have issues getting out what I want to say...even in my journal. I self censor. I am a perfectionist and therefore have a hard time letting myself go and have fun
All the meds I am on help. They really do. And the 7 years of therapy I went through. I am better now and more functional than I have been in years but now I'm having a hard time returning to the "real" world and learning to function
just a peak inside my head
Sunday, June 20, 2010
weekend randomness
So first off...the hepatitis and HIV testing were NEGATIVE> I had no doubt they would be and all but am happy to know for sure and put that behind me. I can't say enough how important it is to have medical care immediatly following a sexual assault. Really it could have saved my life because I was able to have all the prophylatic treatment for HIV and a whole slew of other STDs. No that was not a fun exam or ER trip but I dont regret it
Now on to happier stuff. I have had an AWESOME weekend and a big thanks to my wonderful parents for making it awesome. Friday night we went to a late showing of the Karate Kid...wonderful movie...two thumbs up! Between the 3 of us we demolished 2 huge buckets of popcorn. We also stopped at a wishing fountain at Market Commons and tossed pennies in...any guesses what I wished for?
Saturday night went out to eat at one of our favorite places and just really had a nice relaxing day and I curled up in bed with a sookie stackhouse book. Today we celebrated father's day and took my dad out for pizza (his choice!)
I don't know what it was about this weekend..it was restful, it was distracting and for the weekend I forgot a lot of my problems.. My moods were good, no migraine, lungs were decent. It just was a nice weekend.
Provided I stay healthy I am doctor free until July 1. I fully anticipate my seroquel being upped then. I dont know why...I just feel that it probably will be
Now on to happier stuff. I have had an AWESOME weekend and a big thanks to my wonderful parents for making it awesome. Friday night we went to a late showing of the Karate Kid...wonderful movie...two thumbs up! Between the 3 of us we demolished 2 huge buckets of popcorn. We also stopped at a wishing fountain at Market Commons and tossed pennies in...any guesses what I wished for?
Saturday night went out to eat at one of our favorite places and just really had a nice relaxing day and I curled up in bed with a sookie stackhouse book. Today we celebrated father's day and took my dad out for pizza (his choice!)
I don't know what it was about this weekend..it was restful, it was distracting and for the weekend I forgot a lot of my problems.. My moods were good, no migraine, lungs were decent. It just was a nice weekend.
Provided I stay healthy I am doctor free until July 1. I fully anticipate my seroquel being upped then. I dont know why...I just feel that it probably will be
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Scars
So its summer, its south carolina and its HOT! Which means swim suits, tank tops etc
Which means my scars show. My arms, particularly on the shoulder area are pretty extensively scarred as are my upper legs and even to an extent my stomach. And yes they are from self inflicted injuries.
I used to be embarrassed and not wear anything that would show them. I burned up in shirts with sleeves to my elbows and capris and wore a tshirt over my bathing suit. Not anymore
I'm not proud of what I did. I'm not. I wish I could go back and make it where those things never happened. But I look at my scars as a reminder that I'm stronger than I think I am. I've done something few people ever completely do...quit hurting myself. I've gone through some horrific stuff in my life and while yes it got me down, yes I did things I regret...I'm ALIVE! I survived. I didn't kill myself or even attempt to (little do people know that cutting is NOT a suicide attempt).
WHen it comes down to it...my scars remind me I am a SURVIVOR. Not a victim...a SURVIVOR
Which means my scars show. My arms, particularly on the shoulder area are pretty extensively scarred as are my upper legs and even to an extent my stomach. And yes they are from self inflicted injuries.
I used to be embarrassed and not wear anything that would show them. I burned up in shirts with sleeves to my elbows and capris and wore a tshirt over my bathing suit. Not anymore
I'm not proud of what I did. I'm not. I wish I could go back and make it where those things never happened. But I look at my scars as a reminder that I'm stronger than I think I am. I've done something few people ever completely do...quit hurting myself. I've gone through some horrific stuff in my life and while yes it got me down, yes I did things I regret...I'm ALIVE! I survived. I didn't kill myself or even attempt to (little do people know that cutting is NOT a suicide attempt).
WHen it comes down to it...my scars remind me I am a SURVIVOR. Not a victim...a SURVIVOR
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
randomness
So this has been quite a week. Started with an ER visit sunday for a severe migraine and nice shot of dilaudid and phernagen. Which thankfully took care of it and my migraine has not come back. That visit was a little triggery as it was my first ER visit since the assault and the same doctor.
Tomorrow morning I get blood drawn for the 1 year HIV and hepatits tests. I know they will be negative but this will be official and one more thing behind me
And then I am looking forward to a fun weekend! My brother Josh and his GF and I hope eventually my sister in law...Kara are coming tomorrow night. We've already got a cookout planned complete with tiki torches and pool table. And saturday we are all going out in the boat with Ellie of course and going to Sandy Island. Planning on packing a picnic and staying awhile. First boat trip of the season!
My resolve? To enjoy life more, to have fun more...to remember life is short and to live it to the fullest
Tomorrow morning I get blood drawn for the 1 year HIV and hepatits tests. I know they will be negative but this will be official and one more thing behind me
And then I am looking forward to a fun weekend! My brother Josh and his GF and I hope eventually my sister in law...Kara are coming tomorrow night. We've already got a cookout planned complete with tiki torches and pool table. And saturday we are all going out in the boat with Ellie of course and going to Sandy Island. Planning on packing a picnic and staying awhile. First boat trip of the season!
My resolve? To enjoy life more, to have fun more...to remember life is short and to live it to the fullest
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
you know you have CF when....
1. the pharmacy packs your meds in grocery bags cause theres so much
2. you carry around a list of meds, allergies and health problems and can recite it
3. your vital signs routinely freak people out
4. salt is a food group
5. you wonder when you will start glowing in the dark from xrays and ct scans
6. pills are your appetizers
7. you know wich veins are good for IVs and blood draws
8. you have more medicine at home than a small pharmacy
9. you can swallow 10 pills at once
10.your medical equipment is worth more than the family car
2. you carry around a list of meds, allergies and health problems and can recite it
3. your vital signs routinely freak people out
4. salt is a food group
5. you wonder when you will start glowing in the dark from xrays and ct scans
6. pills are your appetizers
7. you know wich veins are good for IVs and blood draws
8. you have more medicine at home than a small pharmacy
9. you can swallow 10 pills at once
10.your medical equipment is worth more than the family car
Thursday, June 3, 2010
its been a rough year
Sometimes I think my life motto should be "if it wasn't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all". Deep down I don't believe in luck but...
I think I'm finally at a turning point. Depression is under control, working on the anxiety. I have a doctor who really cares and won't give up until I'm as close to 100% as possible...and that in turn gives me hope. I'm able to start applying things I learned in therapy since the meds are working.
But really this last year...sexual assualt, worst year my lungs have had in awhile and a pulmonary embolism scare, I've finally become resistent to cipro. My chronic migraines are back. And just to maintain normal I am taking an obscene amount of meds. At this point things can only get better.
I know God has plans and I see things getting better and falling into place. But days like this with migraines etc makes me reflect. I know once I get past all this I will be a stronger person and sometimes you have to walk through the fire to get gold.
And I know that the sexual assault is something that is going to stay with me forever. I think one can deal with it, work through it but ultimately its always a part of you.
I'm trying to make some changes in my life and work through some stuff so I can be the best Bekah possible. And through it all I can see I am blessed...wonderful therapist that I still keep in touch with, wonderful supportive family, wonderful caring doctor, a God whose plans are so much greater than mine (thats the most important!)
I think I'm finally at a turning point. Depression is under control, working on the anxiety. I have a doctor who really cares and won't give up until I'm as close to 100% as possible...and that in turn gives me hope. I'm able to start applying things I learned in therapy since the meds are working.
But really this last year...sexual assualt, worst year my lungs have had in awhile and a pulmonary embolism scare, I've finally become resistent to cipro. My chronic migraines are back. And just to maintain normal I am taking an obscene amount of meds. At this point things can only get better.
I know God has plans and I see things getting better and falling into place. But days like this with migraines etc makes me reflect. I know once I get past all this I will be a stronger person and sometimes you have to walk through the fire to get gold.
And I know that the sexual assault is something that is going to stay with me forever. I think one can deal with it, work through it but ultimately its always a part of you.
I'm trying to make some changes in my life and work through some stuff so I can be the best Bekah possible. And through it all I can see I am blessed...wonderful therapist that I still keep in touch with, wonderful supportive family, wonderful caring doctor, a God whose plans are so much greater than mine (thats the most important!)
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Bekah's list of must read books
Okay I am tired and currently tired of thinking. So here you have it...Bekah's list of must read books (in no particular order)
1. The westing game
2. Ben Hur
3. Alice in wonderland
4. atleast 1 book by anne lamott
5. Girl meets God
6. atleast one discworld book by terry pratchett
7. The chronicles of narnia
8. The Harry potter series
9. Redeeming love
10. Succulent wild woman by SARK
11. Rebecca
12. Gone with the wind
13. The Hobbit
14. Hidden Joy
15. Secret life of bees
16. Little Women
17. Ender's game
18. Matilda
19. Lucky
20. MacBeth
1. The westing game
2. Ben Hur
3. Alice in wonderland
4. atleast 1 book by anne lamott
5. Girl meets God
6. atleast one discworld book by terry pratchett
7. The chronicles of narnia
8. The Harry potter series
9. Redeeming love
10. Succulent wild woman by SARK
11. Rebecca
12. Gone with the wind
13. The Hobbit
14. Hidden Joy
15. Secret life of bees
16. Little Women
17. Ender's game
18. Matilda
19. Lucky
20. MacBeth
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