Live like you're loved by the Lord up above
Spread out your wings and never give up
'cause you can do anything, be who you're meant to be
Always remember to dream and keep your head up
And live like you're loved
Live like you're loved
Oh, live like you're loved
"Live like you're loved" Mark Schultz
Sadly enough most of the time I don't live like that. I'm trying really hard to change that. Face it all too often we define ourselves as someone's daughter or sister or mother....by the job we have....by what we like to do. For the 4 years of Ellie's life I prided myself in being "Ellie's owner".
On the other side of the coin we too often let our mistakes or someone elses define us....as an alcoholic or drug user, self injurer or bulemic, rape survivor/victim. Or we let our health define us....cystic fibrosis sufferer, cancer survivor, stroke victim, depression sufferer etc.
We become what we define ourselves as like it or not. If its negative then we see ourselves in a negative light and only see our mistakes. If its by your job...what if you lose it? Or in my case I lost my Ellie.
All my teenager years and now I struggle to define who I am. So that song hit home hard. I am afterall a daughter of the king...I'm a Christian. So why don't I "live like I'm loved by the lord up above"?
I'm more than my mistakes, more than my past, more than the people who have hurt me. If I let it, yes those things and people will define me. But I don't HAVE to let it.
SO I went on a search for Who I am in God's eyes
I am fearfully and wonderfully made (psalm 139)
I am a new creation (2 corinthians 5:17)
I am forgiven of all my sins and washed by the blood (Ephesians 1:7, Hebrews 9:14, Colossians 1:14, 1 John 2:12, 1 John 1:9)
I am complete in Christ (colossians 2:9-10)
I am a citizen of heaven (philippians 3:20)
I am born of God and the evil one cannot touch me (john 5:18)
I am God's workmanship (ephesians 2:10)
Now those are something to identify ourselves by!! I am challenging myself to take hold of that identity. All those years of feeling never good enough or smart enough or talented enough or pretty enough...GONE! I am enough....God says it and if I am good enough for Him then why do any of those other things matter? In light of those things all my past mistakes fade away, all the things done to me fade away and I become the daughter of a king. I am Bekah and I belong to God! That is the identity I should be embracing....embrace that and the hurt of the past and the mistakes of the past fade away and all that is left is God.
I have challenged myself this week to say as soon as I get up "I am fearfully and wonderfully made" and do this each week with a different identity in Christ. I don't expect instant results but I do expect God to work in wondeful ways as I claim who I am in Him!!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
A little q&a
So I'm up sick with nothing to do. I've been meaning to write this for awhile but just keep putting it off. I just wanted to clear up a few things..........
Why are you so public about your rape? Because I want to help other women who have gone through the same thing. There are very few Christian resources for rape survivors. Heck there are just very few resources in general. I don't go into details of what happened because thats not important and thats my private story. But I share in hopes that I can help one woman. I hope God uses my blog to give hope. I know how hopeless I felt afterwards. If my journey can help even one woman its worth sharing. And like it says in the Bible, God comforts us so that we can comfort others. I want other women to know that their thoughts and feelings after such an event are totally normal.
I'm not perfect..I'm still dealing with a lot of issues from what happened to me. I think that a trauma like that is something it takes a long time to overcome if you ever fully do in this lifetime. But I'm a far cry from where I was then and I hope that my journey can help others
Did you report your rape? Yes I did...went to the ER, had a rape kit done etc. One of the hardest nights of my life telling what happened over and over again
Did they find the guy? Yes they did
Did you press charges? no
Why? Several reasons...one I was terrified, I was terrified he was going to come after me. twp I was already showing PTSD signs and the last thing I wanted to do was go to court, I really felt I should be focusing on myself and getting through it. I also know that things like that get nasty and with my mental health issues I really was afraid of getting dragged through the mud. And so few rapists are either convicted or if they are convicted spend anytime in prison. To me the stress wasn't worth the VERY small chance he would get punished for what he did. I just wanted to put it behind me and move on (ha I didn't know how hard that was going to be
You have to understand that rape is still seen and treated differently than any other crime. There is still a big blame the victim vibe. Theres all this big talk about change etc but trust me....the woman is still made to feel like she is to blame. No matter the situation NO means NO!
Why did I report it if I didn't press charges? I wanted the guy who did it identified. I wanted him to know that I had the courage to speak up. Heck I'll admit I wanted him identified so if anything hinky (too much NCIS!) happened to me they would know who to look at. And actually when I started out I really thought I would press charges.
Do I regret not pressing charges? Actually sometimes I do. I wonder quite often if I made the right decision or if I was being selfish. What if he hurt another woman? But then I think that the chances of him being punished or atleast spending anytime in prison was slim. And really I had to look out for myself. I was afraid a trial would have pushed me over the edge that I was already hanging off of at that point. I'm also not a big fan of our justice system
Unfortunatly its often viewed that if you didn't press charges that you were lying. Not the case. And believe me...noone goes through a rape kit for the fun of it!
I was very fortunate that the two responding officers were wonderful to me (one was actuall my former sunday school teacher, the other was also great), the doctor that saw me had specialized training in treating sexual assault victims.The victim's advocate and woman from the rape crisis center were great too. I can't say the same for the investigators
Why are you so public about your rape? Because I want to help other women who have gone through the same thing. There are very few Christian resources for rape survivors. Heck there are just very few resources in general. I don't go into details of what happened because thats not important and thats my private story. But I share in hopes that I can help one woman. I hope God uses my blog to give hope. I know how hopeless I felt afterwards. If my journey can help even one woman its worth sharing. And like it says in the Bible, God comforts us so that we can comfort others. I want other women to know that their thoughts and feelings after such an event are totally normal.
I'm not perfect..I'm still dealing with a lot of issues from what happened to me. I think that a trauma like that is something it takes a long time to overcome if you ever fully do in this lifetime. But I'm a far cry from where I was then and I hope that my journey can help others
Did you report your rape? Yes I did...went to the ER, had a rape kit done etc. One of the hardest nights of my life telling what happened over and over again
Did they find the guy? Yes they did
Did you press charges? no
Why? Several reasons...one I was terrified, I was terrified he was going to come after me. twp I was already showing PTSD signs and the last thing I wanted to do was go to court, I really felt I should be focusing on myself and getting through it. I also know that things like that get nasty and with my mental health issues I really was afraid of getting dragged through the mud. And so few rapists are either convicted or if they are convicted spend anytime in prison. To me the stress wasn't worth the VERY small chance he would get punished for what he did. I just wanted to put it behind me and move on (ha I didn't know how hard that was going to be
You have to understand that rape is still seen and treated differently than any other crime. There is still a big blame the victim vibe. Theres all this big talk about change etc but trust me....the woman is still made to feel like she is to blame. No matter the situation NO means NO!
Why did I report it if I didn't press charges? I wanted the guy who did it identified. I wanted him to know that I had the courage to speak up. Heck I'll admit I wanted him identified so if anything hinky (too much NCIS!) happened to me they would know who to look at. And actually when I started out I really thought I would press charges.
Do I regret not pressing charges? Actually sometimes I do. I wonder quite often if I made the right decision or if I was being selfish. What if he hurt another woman? But then I think that the chances of him being punished or atleast spending anytime in prison was slim. And really I had to look out for myself. I was afraid a trial would have pushed me over the edge that I was already hanging off of at that point. I'm also not a big fan of our justice system
Unfortunatly its often viewed that if you didn't press charges that you were lying. Not the case. And believe me...noone goes through a rape kit for the fun of it!
I was very fortunate that the two responding officers were wonderful to me (one was actuall my former sunday school teacher, the other was also great), the doctor that saw me had specialized training in treating sexual assault victims.The victim's advocate and woman from the rape crisis center were great too. I can't say the same for the investigators
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Lessons that I've learned
Just as in life Ellie taught me lots, in death she has also taught me some lessons. I don't believed God let her die just to teach me lessons (beause I just don't believe that God uses death like that)but He does promise that all things work together for good and maybe this is part of His working everything for good
1. Never put off anything thinking you have more time. I know, I have a fatal genetic illness...I should know this. And when it comes to myself I do but I just never really give thought to perfectly healthy animals and people that today might be their last day. Anyway for my dad's birthday I had wanted to put ELlie's paw prints in clay. I never did telling myself I had plenty of time and I would do it for father's day. Lesson learned
2. Enjoy the people and animals in your life while you have a chance. I can say Ellie had the best 4 years of life a dog could want. She was spoiled, pampered and catered to. I can say however after what happened to her that my family is spending way more time together, telling eachother what they mean to us and loving more passionatly
3. Jesus was human too. I've never given a lot of thought to Jesus's human side. But in my brokenness and pain from losing my best friend I remembered what is the shortest Bible verse ever...Jesus wept. He wept for Lazarus, He wept because His friend was dead. Yes He knew He was going to raise him from the dead but it still hurt. In the garden He begged God to take that cup from Him if possible...He was so agonized that He sweated blood! Tell me He doesn't know our pain...He's felt it himself! He's been sad, He's wept, He's been angry, He's been sick, He's been betrayed. He knows all too well what we go through. Not only was He 100% God, He was also 100% human. We have a Saviour who understands us!
4.faith really is all we need. faith is what has gotten me through these two weeks. I've prayed for myself, my family and yes even the woman that hit ellie. And I've prayed some more. I've spent lots of time in His word and lots of time thinking. And its my faith that has pulled me through. Am I still angry at the woman who hit Ellie? Yes. Am I still working to forgive her? yes. But I don't have the meanness towards her that I had...I don't wish something bad would happen to her etc. All it takes is faith the size of a mustard seed. Looking back on my life I can tell you with 100% faith that there is a God...or I wouldn't be here!
5. Heaven is a lot closer than you think. I've thought about heaven before sure...but it seemed like some distant place...maybe even a little boring from how its sometimes depicted. Heaven is for real changed that. Incredible book and I am so excited about one day (whenever God decides my life here is done!) going there. And I am even more sure Ellie is there waiting on me and watching me. I fully expect when Jesus comes to meet me that Ellie will be right by His side. Thats all it is...Ellie and I are temporarily seperated. She's no more dead that I would be. And to think in heaven I'll be able to run! Between my heart and lungs do you know how long its been since I could run? a very long time. And no more pain or fear. When it stormed here the other night I thought "this is the first storm that Ellie hasn't been afraid of cause theres no fear in heaven"
I'd say I've learned some valuable lessons
1. Never put off anything thinking you have more time. I know, I have a fatal genetic illness...I should know this. And when it comes to myself I do but I just never really give thought to perfectly healthy animals and people that today might be their last day. Anyway for my dad's birthday I had wanted to put ELlie's paw prints in clay. I never did telling myself I had plenty of time and I would do it for father's day. Lesson learned
2. Enjoy the people and animals in your life while you have a chance. I can say Ellie had the best 4 years of life a dog could want. She was spoiled, pampered and catered to. I can say however after what happened to her that my family is spending way more time together, telling eachother what they mean to us and loving more passionatly
3. Jesus was human too. I've never given a lot of thought to Jesus's human side. But in my brokenness and pain from losing my best friend I remembered what is the shortest Bible verse ever...Jesus wept. He wept for Lazarus, He wept because His friend was dead. Yes He knew He was going to raise him from the dead but it still hurt. In the garden He begged God to take that cup from Him if possible...He was so agonized that He sweated blood! Tell me He doesn't know our pain...He's felt it himself! He's been sad, He's wept, He's been angry, He's been sick, He's been betrayed. He knows all too well what we go through. Not only was He 100% God, He was also 100% human. We have a Saviour who understands us!
4.faith really is all we need. faith is what has gotten me through these two weeks. I've prayed for myself, my family and yes even the woman that hit ellie. And I've prayed some more. I've spent lots of time in His word and lots of time thinking. And its my faith that has pulled me through. Am I still angry at the woman who hit Ellie? Yes. Am I still working to forgive her? yes. But I don't have the meanness towards her that I had...I don't wish something bad would happen to her etc. All it takes is faith the size of a mustard seed. Looking back on my life I can tell you with 100% faith that there is a God...or I wouldn't be here!
5. Heaven is a lot closer than you think. I've thought about heaven before sure...but it seemed like some distant place...maybe even a little boring from how its sometimes depicted. Heaven is for real changed that. Incredible book and I am so excited about one day (whenever God decides my life here is done!) going there. And I am even more sure Ellie is there waiting on me and watching me. I fully expect when Jesus comes to meet me that Ellie will be right by His side. Thats all it is...Ellie and I are temporarily seperated. She's no more dead that I would be. And to think in heaven I'll be able to run! Between my heart and lungs do you know how long its been since I could run? a very long time. And no more pain or fear. When it stormed here the other night I thought "this is the first storm that Ellie hasn't been afraid of cause theres no fear in heaven"
I'd say I've learned some valuable lessons
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
You can't stop life...
Oh how I wish life had a rewind button! Why can't life be like a DVR? Maybe just maybe I could have saved my precious Ellie
Unfortunatly not only does it not have a rewind one...it doesn't have a pause one either. When something bad goes wrong time doesn't stand still. You have to grieve while (atleast trying) to move on.
Thats been evident at our house this week. Tonight we switched Ellie's giant waterbowl (couldn't bring ourselves to actually get rid of it though) for a smaller for rosie and dusty. My mom put throw pillows on the couch the other night (which we couldn't have before because Ellie would eat them). Little things like that
But still every now and then out of the corner of my eye I think I see Ellie or I find one of her toys or when we sweep her hair is still all over the place. Tonight I even called dusty "Ellie"
In every sense of the word that dog was my best friend (well after my mom :-) We did everything together. When I was down Ellie never ceased to make me laugh. After the rape when I was terrified to leave the house, it was Ellie that finally gave me the courage and since then everywhere I have gone (walking, on the golf cart, to the mail box) she has gone. And now I am learning to do it my own for the first time in 2.5 years. And its scary. I know I am not on my own...Jesus is right there holding my hand...but I'm ellieless
I have so much to be thankful for even though my heart is hurting so bad. I am not the girl I was 4 years ago when Ellie came into life....I'm now a woman of God. I'm not a victim....I'm survivor. I'm not a self injurer....instead I turn to God and to healthy hobbies. I no longer ever think about suicide because I believe only God has the right to take a life. I'm so many things I wasn't...Ellie taught me not to fear the world but embrace it.
I've not ever kept it a secret that in the past I have suffered from severe (my doctor actually described it as treatment resistant) depression and after the rape PTSD was added. In addition to cystic fibrosis which unlike a lot of illnesses requires a lot of time and treatments just to maintain any quality of life and to give any hope of prolonging life. And then we found out my heart doesnt beat right and I have a pectus excavatum making my bad lung even harder to clear. Things started getting better and now Ellie. I do feel like Job
I admit it, I'm scared. God has taken away my health, my best friend, I've been through rape, my mom has been through breast cancer, my dad a stroke. What else?
I'm terrified of whats going to happen next. It scares me.
I'm trying my hardest to hold on to God. I'm holding on to Jesus cause He's holding on to me as the song goes. I really truly believe He is holding me tight. I can feel. Jesus and my family are what is keeping me going
I'm fighting hard, learning more than ever to FROG (fully rely on God) and to not worry about tomorrow, concentrate on today. I also want to live my life with the enthusiasm Ellie had. It would be so easy right now to slide back into depression, back into that pit but I am fighting it with everything I have and most importantly God is fighting for me. I'm soaking myself in His word and His presence and His promises. That and the love of my family is keeping me going
I know my family is struggling too. We all loved Ellie and we each had a special relationship with her. Even Dusty and Rosie are grieving. The first few nights Ellie was gone Dusty walked around the house crying at the top of his lungs and Rosie is chewing her fur off
Unfortunatly not only does it not have a rewind one...it doesn't have a pause one either. When something bad goes wrong time doesn't stand still. You have to grieve while (atleast trying) to move on.
Thats been evident at our house this week. Tonight we switched Ellie's giant waterbowl (couldn't bring ourselves to actually get rid of it though) for a smaller for rosie and dusty. My mom put throw pillows on the couch the other night (which we couldn't have before because Ellie would eat them). Little things like that
But still every now and then out of the corner of my eye I think I see Ellie or I find one of her toys or when we sweep her hair is still all over the place. Tonight I even called dusty "Ellie"
In every sense of the word that dog was my best friend (well after my mom :-) We did everything together. When I was down Ellie never ceased to make me laugh. After the rape when I was terrified to leave the house, it was Ellie that finally gave me the courage and since then everywhere I have gone (walking, on the golf cart, to the mail box) she has gone. And now I am learning to do it my own for the first time in 2.5 years. And its scary. I know I am not on my own...Jesus is right there holding my hand...but I'm ellieless
I have so much to be thankful for even though my heart is hurting so bad. I am not the girl I was 4 years ago when Ellie came into life....I'm now a woman of God. I'm not a victim....I'm survivor. I'm not a self injurer....instead I turn to God and to healthy hobbies. I no longer ever think about suicide because I believe only God has the right to take a life. I'm so many things I wasn't...Ellie taught me not to fear the world but embrace it.
I've not ever kept it a secret that in the past I have suffered from severe (my doctor actually described it as treatment resistant) depression and after the rape PTSD was added. In addition to cystic fibrosis which unlike a lot of illnesses requires a lot of time and treatments just to maintain any quality of life and to give any hope of prolonging life. And then we found out my heart doesnt beat right and I have a pectus excavatum making my bad lung even harder to clear. Things started getting better and now Ellie. I do feel like Job
I admit it, I'm scared. God has taken away my health, my best friend, I've been through rape, my mom has been through breast cancer, my dad a stroke. What else?
I'm terrified of whats going to happen next. It scares me.
I'm trying my hardest to hold on to God. I'm holding on to Jesus cause He's holding on to me as the song goes. I really truly believe He is holding me tight. I can feel. Jesus and my family are what is keeping me going
I'm fighting hard, learning more than ever to FROG (fully rely on God) and to not worry about tomorrow, concentrate on today. I also want to live my life with the enthusiasm Ellie had. It would be so easy right now to slide back into depression, back into that pit but I am fighting it with everything I have and most importantly God is fighting for me. I'm soaking myself in His word and His presence and His promises. That and the love of my family is keeping me going
I know my family is struggling too. We all loved Ellie and we each had a special relationship with her. Even Dusty and Rosie are grieving. The first few nights Ellie was gone Dusty walked around the house crying at the top of his lungs and Rosie is chewing her fur off
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Life goes on
So friday was a week since Ellie died. A very hard week though there were good spots like my dad and I going out to lunch (I'm sure that made Ellie smile her doggy smile up there in heaven), lots of time spent with the grandparents and I'm learning to loom knit...going hat crazy now
It was hard though. Every time I walked by her giant water bowl I thought of her enthusiastically slurping her water. Every glimpse of the couch remind me of her sleeping on it, every morning when I get up and remember she's not there to take out. There have been lots of tears shed in this house
The hardest thing to deal with is anger towards the woman who stole my best friend from me. We live in a residential area near a school with a low speed limit....this woman was driving fast enough to throw Ellie across the road (the woman was in the right lane ellie was in the grass on the left side of the road). I can only hope due to the peaceful look Ellie had that death was pretty much instant. Yes I have had vengeful thoughts, yes there are lots of things I would like to do to that woman. To think she took off and only came back because someone went after her who could identify the woman. Anyway I don't know her name and that's probably for the best...I could easily find out but won't
I'm having to learn to once again give the anger to God. Same lesson learned after the rape and I am still working on forgiving the guy who did that. I have to trust that God will deal with them..its not my place to judge or punish. That's hard because it so totally goes against human nature. Which is where God wants us...fully relying on Him. Just like the rape I am having to come to terms with my own bad decisions (no I didn't cause myself to be raped but I did put myself in a bad situation...no I didn't cause Ellie to get hit but I didn't go after her immediately when we realized she was gone and I didn't get up earlier that morning) Its hard because I have to realize that no matter what I did or didn't do...I didn't cause either of those things to happen. No means No. Someone driving through a neighborhood should be going the speed limit and being careful. In either of those situations would changing my actions have changed the outcome? Probably not
So as I go I commit to fully relying on God trusting He will help me to forgive not only those who have caused me pain but myself. That He will help me see that I am not at fault and not responsible for the actions of others
I told my mom earlier that I kinda feel like job....
I am just happy to know I have a Saviour who knows just how I feel. Who has felt betrayed, grief, anger, pain...who has cried, laughed and wept. Who has lost friends and been betrayed
It was hard though. Every time I walked by her giant water bowl I thought of her enthusiastically slurping her water. Every glimpse of the couch remind me of her sleeping on it, every morning when I get up and remember she's not there to take out. There have been lots of tears shed in this house
The hardest thing to deal with is anger towards the woman who stole my best friend from me. We live in a residential area near a school with a low speed limit....this woman was driving fast enough to throw Ellie across the road (the woman was in the right lane ellie was in the grass on the left side of the road). I can only hope due to the peaceful look Ellie had that death was pretty much instant. Yes I have had vengeful thoughts, yes there are lots of things I would like to do to that woman. To think she took off and only came back because someone went after her who could identify the woman. Anyway I don't know her name and that's probably for the best...I could easily find out but won't
I'm having to learn to once again give the anger to God. Same lesson learned after the rape and I am still working on forgiving the guy who did that. I have to trust that God will deal with them..its not my place to judge or punish. That's hard because it so totally goes against human nature. Which is where God wants us...fully relying on Him. Just like the rape I am having to come to terms with my own bad decisions (no I didn't cause myself to be raped but I did put myself in a bad situation...no I didn't cause Ellie to get hit but I didn't go after her immediately when we realized she was gone and I didn't get up earlier that morning) Its hard because I have to realize that no matter what I did or didn't do...I didn't cause either of those things to happen. No means No. Someone driving through a neighborhood should be going the speed limit and being careful. In either of those situations would changing my actions have changed the outcome? Probably not
So as I go I commit to fully relying on God trusting He will help me to forgive not only those who have caused me pain but myself. That He will help me see that I am not at fault and not responsible for the actions of others
I told my mom earlier that I kinda feel like job....
I am just happy to know I have a Saviour who knows just how I feel. Who has felt betrayed, grief, anger, pain...who has cried, laughed and wept. Who has lost friends and been betrayed
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Jesus was human too
Most of you who follow me on caringbridge and facebook know that I lost my best friend last week. Friday morning Ellie somehow got out of the house (we didnt call her houdini for nothing!) and got hit by a car. The car was going way too fast and the woman took off. This was across the street and one house down from us. Just like that my precious golden retriever ellie belly was gone. Ellie is what kept me going after the rape, she was the reason to get out of the bed, she helped to venture out the house...without her I would have ended up an agoraphobic hermit. God sent me a special angel!
These last few days have devastating for my whole family. Ellie was a huge part of our lives.
I'm determined to be like Job though and I will not curse or blame God
I've learned a lot of things in these last few days. We know a lot and focus on Jesus's divinity a lot. And yes thats really important. REALLY important. But we lose sight of the fact that Jesus was human too. He cried, He hurt, He got colds, He lost friends and family. One of the most famous verses of the Bible is "Jesus wept". He wept for Lazarus even knowing He was going to raise Him from the dead...that didn't stop His heart from breaking. He begged God to not have to go to the cross...BEGGED! We sometimes forget that since He was human that He felt the pain of crucifixion just like we would have. And sometimes in this world Jesus felt all alone....He was despised...one of his disciples turned Him over to authorities, another denied knowing Him not once but three times.
He knows what we go through because He went through it too! We don't serve a distant God who doesn't know pain and hurt. Yes Jesus was fully God but He was fully human too. Only He didn't sin. But He suffered.
I feel closer to Jesus than ever right now...I guess thats one last gift from Ellie!
These last few days have devastating for my whole family. Ellie was a huge part of our lives.
I'm determined to be like Job though and I will not curse or blame God
I've learned a lot of things in these last few days. We know a lot and focus on Jesus's divinity a lot. And yes thats really important. REALLY important. But we lose sight of the fact that Jesus was human too. He cried, He hurt, He got colds, He lost friends and family. One of the most famous verses of the Bible is "Jesus wept". He wept for Lazarus even knowing He was going to raise Him from the dead...that didn't stop His heart from breaking. He begged God to not have to go to the cross...BEGGED! We sometimes forget that since He was human that He felt the pain of crucifixion just like we would have. And sometimes in this world Jesus felt all alone....He was despised...one of his disciples turned Him over to authorities, another denied knowing Him not once but three times.
He knows what we go through because He went through it too! We don't serve a distant God who doesn't know pain and hurt. Yes Jesus was fully God but He was fully human too. Only He didn't sin. But He suffered.
I feel closer to Jesus than ever right now...I guess thats one last gift from Ellie!
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