Life goes on

So friday was a week since Ellie died. A very hard week though there were good spots like my dad and I going out to lunch (I'm sure that made Ellie smile her doggy smile up there in heaven), lots of time spent with the grandparents and I'm learning to loom knit...going hat crazy now

It was hard though. Every time I walked by her giant water bowl I thought of her enthusiastically slurping her water. Every glimpse of the couch remind me of her sleeping on it, every morning when I get up and remember she's not there to take out. There have been lots of tears shed in this house

The hardest thing to deal with is anger towards the woman who stole my best friend from me. We live in a residential area near a school with a low speed limit....this woman was driving fast enough to throw Ellie across the road (the woman was in the right lane ellie was in the grass on the left side of the road). I can only hope due to the peaceful look Ellie had that death was pretty much instant. Yes I have had vengeful thoughts, yes there are lots of things I would like to do to that woman. To think she took off and only came back because someone went after her who could identify the woman. Anyway I don't know her name and that's probably for the best...I could easily find out but won't

I'm having to learn to once again give the anger to God. Same lesson learned after the rape and I am still working on forgiving the guy who did that. I have to trust that God will deal with them..its not my place to judge or punish. That's hard because it so totally goes against human nature. Which is where God wants us...fully relying on Him. Just like the rape I am having to come to terms with my own bad decisions (no I didn't cause myself to be raped but I did put myself in a bad situation...no I didn't cause Ellie to get hit but I didn't go after her immediately when we realized she was gone and I didn't get up earlier that morning) Its hard because I have to realize that no matter what I did or didn't do...I didn't cause either of those things to happen. No means No. Someone driving through a neighborhood should be going the speed limit and being careful. In either of those situations would changing my actions have changed the outcome? Probably not

So as I go I commit to fully relying on God trusting He will help me to forgive not only those who have caused me pain but myself. That He will help me see that I am not at fault and not responsible for the actions of others

I told my mom earlier that I kinda feel like job....

I am just happy to know I have a Saviour who knows just how I feel. Who has felt betrayed, grief, anger, pain...who has cried, laughed and wept. Who has lost friends and been betrayed