Oh how I wish life had a rewind button! Why can't life be like a DVR? Maybe just maybe I could have saved my precious Ellie
Unfortunatly not only does it not have a rewind one...it doesn't have a pause one either. When something bad goes wrong time doesn't stand still. You have to grieve while (atleast trying) to move on.
Thats been evident at our house this week. Tonight we switched Ellie's giant waterbowl (couldn't bring ourselves to actually get rid of it though) for a smaller for rosie and dusty. My mom put throw pillows on the couch the other night (which we couldn't have before because Ellie would eat them). Little things like that
But still every now and then out of the corner of my eye I think I see Ellie or I find one of her toys or when we sweep her hair is still all over the place. Tonight I even called dusty "Ellie"
In every sense of the word that dog was my best friend (well after my mom :-) We did everything together. When I was down Ellie never ceased to make me laugh. After the rape when I was terrified to leave the house, it was Ellie that finally gave me the courage and since then everywhere I have gone (walking, on the golf cart, to the mail box) she has gone. And now I am learning to do it my own for the first time in 2.5 years. And its scary. I know I am not on my own...Jesus is right there holding my hand...but I'm ellieless
I have so much to be thankful for even though my heart is hurting so bad. I am not the girl I was 4 years ago when Ellie came into life....I'm now a woman of God. I'm not a victim....I'm survivor. I'm not a self injurer....instead I turn to God and to healthy hobbies. I no longer ever think about suicide because I believe only God has the right to take a life. I'm so many things I wasn't...Ellie taught me not to fear the world but embrace it.
I've not ever kept it a secret that in the past I have suffered from severe (my doctor actually described it as treatment resistant) depression and after the rape PTSD was added. In addition to cystic fibrosis which unlike a lot of illnesses requires a lot of time and treatments just to maintain any quality of life and to give any hope of prolonging life. And then we found out my heart doesnt beat right and I have a pectus excavatum making my bad lung even harder to clear. Things started getting better and now Ellie. I do feel like Job
I admit it, I'm scared. God has taken away my health, my best friend, I've been through rape, my mom has been through breast cancer, my dad a stroke. What else?
I'm terrified of whats going to happen next. It scares me.
I'm trying my hardest to hold on to God. I'm holding on to Jesus cause He's holding on to me as the song goes. I really truly believe He is holding me tight. I can feel. Jesus and my family are what is keeping me going
I'm fighting hard, learning more than ever to FROG (fully rely on God) and to not worry about tomorrow, concentrate on today. I also want to live my life with the enthusiasm Ellie had. It would be so easy right now to slide back into depression, back into that pit but I am fighting it with everything I have and most importantly God is fighting for me. I'm soaking myself in His word and His presence and His promises. That and the love of my family is keeping me going
I know my family is struggling too. We all loved Ellie and we each had a special relationship with her. Even Dusty and Rosie are grieving. The first few nights Ellie was gone Dusty walked around the house crying at the top of his lungs and Rosie is chewing her fur off
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