Life..

Life...its been up and down for the last 1.5 months. Cystic Fibrosis is not treating me nicely. I will have spent almost the whole 1.5 months on antibiotics and 4x a day nebulizer and vest treatments. Cipro first...and it seems some of my bugs (mainly we suspect Staph) have become resistant to cipro...and/or I've picked a new lovely strain of something up. So now onto Bactrim as it is excellent against staph (even mrsa!) and something I have not taken a lot of. Feeling some better already and am atleast not sleeping all the time like I was!

It gets frustrating...I should be used to being sick. But it still frustrates me. It frustrates me to want to do stuff but not be able to physically. It frustrates me to gasping for breath when I'm just playing around with Ellie. It frustrates me to be puking for 3 day s. I know this is CF...everyone with CF deals with these issues and part of growing older with CF is that it progresses.

I've also had the rape on my mind a lot. I don't know why. They say time heals all wounds but I don't know. Its been 1.5 years and my heart still hurts. Badly sometimes. Sometimes at night when I'm alone the tears come. I wonder who I would be right now if that had not happened.

I know Jesus heals though. I know my God has a plan. I'm holding tight to Jesus and I know He is holding tight to me. I have found the Psalms to be really comforting. Also listening to the Bible on CD. Good praise music. Old familar hymns. Just sitting and talking with Jesus...little bits of conversation all day.

I may never know healing in this lifetime but I will know it in Heaven!

You can't run forever

I've been confronted with that this week. You can't run forever. You can't beat your demons if you hide from them. And I am guilty in that.

Its a lot easier to pretend the painful things in life never happened. Denial is a lovely thing except it keeps us from growing.

I'd rather not face my past but to move forward I have to. Its hard. I'd rather run the other way and pretend things never happened. But then I would be stuck here forever.

I believe God works all things for good. Even things like rape. I may not know "the good" and I may never until I get to heaven understand it and understand the good. But I know when God makes a promise that He keeps it.

long time no post

Its been awhile. Yes it has. Unfortunatly CF got the best of me for a little. I started out with a raging lung infection and a 103 temp. Started antibiotics and got better slowly and then last thursday BOOM...bad asthma attack. Which led to the dreaded steroids. Steroids are bad enough in a "normal" person...add my depression, anxiety and PTSD and its even more trouble.

So whats been going on? For one thing God has been working on me big time. I fully believe He used that bout of sickness to pull me closer to Him and to get me to slow down so I could spend some time with Him. In addition I have found myself increasingly convicted about what i watch, listen to, and read. Well actually probably watch and read since I've always leaned towards Christian music. This includes my sookie stackhouse love. So I am trying to read more Christian fiction, more Christian books and be more selective of what I watch on TV. This is an area I think God deals with us all individually. This is what I might be called to do right now....it might not be what you are called to. God may speak to you and move you in an area that He doesn't with me.

I know my focus needs to be on God, only with Him can I heal and find new life.