Yeah its been awhile. Ever try tricking yourself into denial...that this thing didn't happen...that part of you isn't missing? That for just a little while you can pretend that you are the person you are before even if deep down you know that isn't true.
What happened took a big chunk of who I am. i am no longer who I was and will never be the same person. Right now I can't stand who I am.
People tell you that they understand....unless they've walked that path of being attacked, of being violated, of trying to find youself because who you were you can never again be....they don;'t understand. And grief can make a person do stupid stuff which I admit lately I have done a lot of.
I've thought about killing myself. Being totally honest and candid here. However that would only be giving in to the man who has already taken so much from me. What better revenge than to fight? To fight for myself.
Who knows maybe when this metamorphis is complete I'll be a beyootiful butterfly. Never hurts to have hope does it?
The attack was horrific but sometimes I think the aftermath is even more so. People have moved on, forgotten what you went through....their lives are normal. The world keeps moving but you are left standing still. You are so desperate that you would do anything to take away the pain...the pain that feels like it will destroy you. The physical bruises and pain of rape go away unfortunatly the emotional ones are so much deeper. No matter how much you want to, you just can't get over it. Hurting yourself, buying things, eating eating and more eating etc...none of that makes it go away...it may temporarily but it comes back and then you are left with the aftermath of those things
In all this I am trying to find God again. TO reach out to Him in this "dark night of my soul". Where I can't see anything, I can't see where I am reching but I am trusting if I reach out my hand, He will find it. See I was mad at God for awhile there. He is God afterall and could have stopped it right? But then what kind of world would it be if we were all puppets on a string. I know God can bring light to the darkest soul and if call out to Him, He will find us. God please find me! Grab my hand don't let go!
If there are any rape survivors out there who read this...I would love to chat and connect. I feel all alone with noone who understands...truly understands. You can reach me at wheezy85@gmail.com
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