Forgiveness

I think its probably an understatement to say that I've been angry over what happened. I've fought unctrollable anger..at what happened, at the person who did and even at myself for not fighting harder. Somehow I blamed myself for not fighting to the death for awhile believed because I didn't..because I chose to do whatever I had to survive...that I was guilty. For awhile I even blamed God, rationalizing that He had the power to stop it, prvent it etc.

I've since learned more about God and realize we aren't puppets on a string and if He interfered with everything ...stopped everything bad..that we would be nothing more than puppets. He never promised we wouldn't have troubles....He did promise he would always be with us and despite what happened I can see a number of ways that He was indeed with me.

I've also slowly been dealing with the anger towards myself and learning to be more gentle with myself. I did what I had to do to survive and I'm still fighting to survive. I think most people in my situation would have done teh same thing. The blame lays soley with t he rapist.

The rapist...I've been working on forgiving him. Realizing that forgiveness doesn't mean that what he did was okay...it just means I am freeing myself from the hold he has on me. I look to the Amish who were able to forgive the man who killed those girls at the one room school...a large number of Amish even attended his funeral to support his family! Forgiveness is saying its your problem...its putting the shame, the guilt and everything else on him. Its doing as Jesus commands us....His words on the cross of "Father forgive them for they know not what they do" should be the model for all of us. Forgiveness is freeing me. Its realizing I didn't deserve to have Jesus die for me, I didn't deserve to be forgiven but He forgave me. my rapist doesn't deserve to be forgiven but thats what i am working towards.