ramblings

So its been awhile since I have written anything...I just really haven't had anything to say and what I have had to say I haven;t been able to express quite like I wanted

But then I got a haircut today and that brought back a flood of memories. Before the assault I had long curly hair...it was half way down my back and pretty much my signature. The day after the assault I had it almost all cut off. In a small way I was trying to take away my identity..first of all because I was afraid it somehow made me recognizable to my attacker and second because I was doing whatever I could to not be me..to make myself someone else.

Anyway my hair was starting to get longer and a little too mullet like so I Had it cut off back to right under my ears. I don't when I will ever let it get really long again or if I ever will. To me that is associated with the attack and I don't know if I could have really long hair without thinking about it.

I guess my hair is a symbol of the new bekah and I don't know. I've been thinking a lot about identity lately. I know God made me special unique...Psalms 139 and all of that. But I don't want to special and unique! I want to blend in. And then well I don't feel special. I don't feel worth it. I don't feel beautiful. I feel damaged. Damaged goods.