I'll be perfectly honest...I have become the most paranoid, anxious, suspicious person in the world. Don't ever sneak up behind me unless you want your life to flash before your eyes! Everyone I meet, I meet with guarded suspicion. I don't go anywhere alone..for several months I slept with a night light and still do sometimes. I can no longer watch Law and Order SVU, Forensic Files or anything on investigation discovery without a panic attack. I don't even go to get the mail without taking Ellie with me (ellie btw is my golden retriever). I hate the dark. I'm lucky to sleep in my own bed two nights in a row...most often I end up in our extra bedroom which is closeer to my parents room or on the couch with Ellie. I wear baggy clothes trying to hide myself
Some of those might be good....I was way too trusting. Give me a sob story and I would do anything for you. I never really thought anyone would hurt me, violate me because I tend to see the good in everyone and care way more about everyone else than should.
Some aren't so good...at some point I am going to have to face being alone, going outside without Ellie, sleeping in my own bed etc
If someone were to ask me the biggest thing that has changed about me...I would have to say I lost my innocence..my trust. I look at everyone as a possible rapist. Okay not everyone , if I know you I don't think that! But if I pass you on the street, in a store..I wonder.
I also don't do crowds well anymore. I'm afraid I am going to see "HIM". Sometimes I think I do though I can almost bet its my imagination. The wind blows at night and I'm afraid its HIM come back to get me...to kill me.
So the biggest thing in my life right now is FEAR! Sometimes it feels like fear rules my life. Along with nightmares, flashbacks and all that good stuff.
And yes my trust in God suffered too though I regaining that as I see Him as the only one able to bring true healing to my life and to put the pieces back together. I know he works through counselors, medication, friends. And I know one day I will be whole. But for right now, the Rebekah I am is a far cry from the Rebekah I was
No comments:
Post a Comment