ramblings

So this is probably going to be all rambling and random....



I know some of you are wondering why I have blog for something so personal. I was thinking about that today. I think the longer one keeps silent...the worse one feels. The worse the stigma is. I can't fight back in many ways but I can fight back with my words. Silence and secrets hold an enormous amount of power of us and I fully believe sometimes the best thing we can do is talk, to bring things...especially "taboo" things out into the open. So this blog is my way of fighting back , of taking control.

I will freely admit that I still struggle a lot. Everyday its a conscious decision to give it over to God or to bask in self pity and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Its not easy and I can't say I always make the right choices. Its getting up in the morning and saying Lord help me, I'm yours...I can't do it without you

There was a long time..several months that I wished the guy had just killed me. So that I wouldn't have to deal with the aftermath. It wasn't Lord help me..it was Lord why am I still alive? In my mind not being killed was the worst outcome...dying would have been preferable to living and dealing with the aftermath.

It takes a lot of trust to be able to turn everything totally over to God and I can't say that I'm all the way there yet but I think He understands

I think self loathing is one of the worst things that rape causes. A Self hate that is deeper than anything I have experienced before. There were days I couldn't force myself to look in the mirror or brush my hair or put anything other than baggy pants and too big t shirt on. I was just sure I had a scarlet R on my forehead. I just knew everyone could look at me and tell what I was...tell what had happened.

I'm just starting to see myself in a much better light., starting to see myself as a dearly loved child of God. And He doesn't make junk right? I still have my days but I keep reminding myself how beautiful and precious I am to Him