So....

I've been at a loss for words lately...very unusual for me.

As the one year anniversary of the attack is getting closer , I have started thinking about the journey of the last year. I found an Abraham Lincoln quote that I hope describes it..."I may walk slowly but I never walk backwards". While sometimes I have walked extremely slow on this healing journey and sometimes have stalled, I hope that I never walked backwards.

Sometimes I doubt that. As it comes upon one year I find myself once again uncomfortable being alone, uncomfortable outside unless Ellie is with me, uncomfortable in the dark and 100% unwilling to be alone at night. Some of these throughout the year had gotten better but as the 1 year mark looms they have come back. I don't think the mind or body ever forgets the day and I tend to think my body is reacting to that. Sounds funny but it really goes with whats been going on over the last few weeks

Oddly enough I have found myself unable to write, journal etc. I just can't find words to describe what is going on inside me

Do i wish what happened had not happened? YES! Do I see that its shaping me into who I am going to be and has helped me develop not only myself but has drawn me closer to God
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I am reading Joni Eareckson Tada's latest book and one chapter on prayer stood out and that was about how God understands when we just cannot pray, when we cannot find the words...when our prayers are limited to "help me God". That He understands, that He listens, he reads between the lines. Such a comfort to me in times like this last week or so when try as I might no prayer or atleast understandable prayer would come out...God knows what I meant, He knows I was trying\

As these weeks go by and March 14th comes..pray for me. For strength. For my anxiety to lessen. For me to face the day head on and well just pray