scars

Its no secret that this last year has been hell for me. I can say that I have hit rock bottom and survived.

I survived but unfortunatly am left with the scars....physical and emotional and spiritually. My left wrist is very scarred from cutting (my upper arm has been for years....this last year is the first time I have ever cut my wrists). I don't know that they are so noticeable to anyone but me...but I know they are there and have to look at them every day

I will be perfectly honest that there were times that I found myself sitting on the floor with bottles of pills trying to work up the nerve to take them all. Right before my hospitalization I went to cut my wrists in an attempt to kill myself and chickened out cutting just enough to bleed.

As for the emotional scars. I have been through hell. I have seen and experienced things that noone should have to experience! What I've shared about my journey over the last year is just a tiny part of what has happened. I thought being raped was the worst thing that could ever happen...and it still is but some  of my experiences rival it.  I also have to live with what this year has done to my family. Its not just me that has suffered...my whole family...parents, grandparents, brother and SIL...they have all suffered with me...watching my pain and being totally unable to help. I can't imagine my parents pain.

As for spiritual pain....I believe in God and Jesus and always will but I admit this last year has brought up some doubts and questions. My views have drastically changed on a lot of things. Sometimes I wonder if God can love someone like me....I look at my scarred wrists and wonder if He can still love me or I am unloveable. I don't feel "good enough" to be a Christian. Then I wonder WHY. WHY me? Depression, CF, rape, PTSD, going through hell this last year. Why me? One of those things would have been plenty. I always come back to the big God question...Why is there such suffering in this world...if God loves us then when why does He sit back and watch all this crap happen to us? Why doesn't He stop it? I'm probably not putting all this into words very well. Its not that I think I don't deserve this but other people do...I don't think anyone deserves to suffer. I just wonder. My parents watch me suffer and wish they do something, ANYTHING to stop the pain. Well God must feel the same...except He CAN do something about it and doesn't. Thats what I struggle with. What good has this last year accomplished? Nothing that I can see. I don't see how God can work...rape, depression, a fatal illness and a nervous breakdown for good. Was He watching during the rape or did He turn His head from me? So I guess my issue is with Him being all knowing and Him having plans for us. THese are the plans He has for me? Which then leads me to think that maybe I am not good enough and thats why these things happen to me. Where was He during my 8 days of psychiatric hospitalization? So yes all this has shaken my faith. Nothing will ever make me not believe in God or Jesus...its just questioning His goodness, His plans and His allknowingness

I am not the person I was a year ago..for better or worse. I'm more jaded and cynical. More suspicious of people. I'm a lot more lonely...people drop you like flies when they find out you're "crazy". Seriously this last year has been THE loneliest time of my life. Things are turning around and I can say that yes I am happy and enjoying life. I have not cut in 3 months. I no longer think about it or about suicide. I live in fear of going through another season of life like that. I know I will battle these demons probably for the rest of my life. It terrifies me to think of being that depressed again. I was told the month before and after the anniversary of something like the rape is the worst. Hopefully this year it won't be like last year. Which that was one of many things going on last year