So friday was a week since Ellie died. A very hard week though there were good spots like my dad and I going out to lunch (I'm sure that made Ellie smile her doggy smile up there in heaven), lots of time spent with the grandparents and I'm learning to loom knit...going hat crazy now
It was hard though. Every time I walked by her giant water bowl I thought of her enthusiastically slurping her water. Every glimpse of the couch remind me of her sleeping on it, every morning when I get up and remember she's not there to take out. There have been lots of tears shed in this house
The hardest thing to deal with is anger towards the woman who stole my best friend from me. We live in a residential area near a school with a low speed limit....this woman was driving fast enough to throw Ellie across the road (the woman was in the right lane ellie was in the grass on the left side of the road). I can only hope due to the peaceful look Ellie had that death was pretty much instant. Yes I have had vengeful thoughts, yes there are lots of things I would like to do to that woman. To think she took off and only came back because someone went after her who could identify the woman. Anyway I don't know her name and that's probably for the best...I could easily find out but won't
I'm having to learn to once again give the anger to God. Same lesson learned after the rape and I am still working on forgiving the guy who did that. I have to trust that God will deal with them..its not my place to judge or punish. That's hard because it so totally goes against human nature. Which is where God wants us...fully relying on Him. Just like the rape I am having to come to terms with my own bad decisions (no I didn't cause myself to be raped but I did put myself in a bad situation...no I didn't cause Ellie to get hit but I didn't go after her immediately when we realized she was gone and I didn't get up earlier that morning) Its hard because I have to realize that no matter what I did or didn't do...I didn't cause either of those things to happen. No means No. Someone driving through a neighborhood should be going the speed limit and being careful. In either of those situations would changing my actions have changed the outcome? Probably not
So as I go I commit to fully relying on God trusting He will help me to forgive not only those who have caused me pain but myself. That He will help me see that I am not at fault and not responsible for the actions of others
I told my mom earlier that I kinda feel like job....
I am just happy to know I have a Saviour who knows just how I feel. Who has felt betrayed, grief, anger, pain...who has cried, laughed and wept. Who has lost friends and been betrayed
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Jesus was human too
Most of you who follow me on caringbridge and facebook know that I lost my best friend last week. Friday morning Ellie somehow got out of the house (we didnt call her houdini for nothing!) and got hit by a car. The car was going way too fast and the woman took off. This was across the street and one house down from us. Just like that my precious golden retriever ellie belly was gone. Ellie is what kept me going after the rape, she was the reason to get out of the bed, she helped to venture out the house...without her I would have ended up an agoraphobic hermit. God sent me a special angel!
These last few days have devastating for my whole family. Ellie was a huge part of our lives.
I'm determined to be like Job though and I will not curse or blame God
I've learned a lot of things in these last few days. We know a lot and focus on Jesus's divinity a lot. And yes thats really important. REALLY important. But we lose sight of the fact that Jesus was human too. He cried, He hurt, He got colds, He lost friends and family. One of the most famous verses of the Bible is "Jesus wept". He wept for Lazarus even knowing He was going to raise Him from the dead...that didn't stop His heart from breaking. He begged God to not have to go to the cross...BEGGED! We sometimes forget that since He was human that He felt the pain of crucifixion just like we would have. And sometimes in this world Jesus felt all alone....He was despised...one of his disciples turned Him over to authorities, another denied knowing Him not once but three times.
He knows what we go through because He went through it too! We don't serve a distant God who doesn't know pain and hurt. Yes Jesus was fully God but He was fully human too. Only He didn't sin. But He suffered.
I feel closer to Jesus than ever right now...I guess thats one last gift from Ellie!
These last few days have devastating for my whole family. Ellie was a huge part of our lives.
I'm determined to be like Job though and I will not curse or blame God
I've learned a lot of things in these last few days. We know a lot and focus on Jesus's divinity a lot. And yes thats really important. REALLY important. But we lose sight of the fact that Jesus was human too. He cried, He hurt, He got colds, He lost friends and family. One of the most famous verses of the Bible is "Jesus wept". He wept for Lazarus even knowing He was going to raise Him from the dead...that didn't stop His heart from breaking. He begged God to not have to go to the cross...BEGGED! We sometimes forget that since He was human that He felt the pain of crucifixion just like we would have. And sometimes in this world Jesus felt all alone....He was despised...one of his disciples turned Him over to authorities, another denied knowing Him not once but three times.
He knows what we go through because He went through it too! We don't serve a distant God who doesn't know pain and hurt. Yes Jesus was fully God but He was fully human too. Only He didn't sin. But He suffered.
I feel closer to Jesus than ever right now...I guess thats one last gift from Ellie!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Big milestone
I guess I've neglected the poor blog. Been too caught up fighting up cystic fibrosis....most of my health updates now go on CaringBridge
Right now I'm smack dab in the middle of a course of prednisone. Which brings with it lots of fun things like the ability to eat two sonic burgers, tots, half a bag of rice krispie treats, half a bag of salt and vinegar potato chips, a bowl of soup and cornbread and 8 funsize packs of m&ms and still be hungry. Fun times
It also wreaks havoc on my already sometimes fragile emotions which yes makes me a joy to live with. Add to that ELlie has a UTI and she went out to the bathroom no less than 30 times yesterday
Anyway I had a huge thing happen over the weekend. Maybe it was the house full of noise and workers as the kitchen was being redone(like 8am to 5pm!) or perhaps it was the codeine high or maybe 2 trips to home depot in one week was too much fun for me...I don't know but it still amazes me. I stayed by myself for about 2hrs saturday night after it got dark! That has not happened since the rape....2.5 years. It may not happen again but it happened saturday night! I figured 80 pounds of Ellie and a God who's bigger than the boogey man was enough to keep me safe and from freaking out. I've really started trusting God more and yes He is a God of impossibles because I thought I would NEVER stay by myself after dark.
In this 2.5 year journey of healing there has been a lot of tiny steps and some bigger ones but I think this is the biggest by far.
Its what taking hold of the promises of God does in your life. Is it instant? NO! I still have far to go on this journey of healing but man the peace and hope I feel knowing its all in God's hands.
Baby steps.... "The Lord is my strength and my shield"
Right now I'm smack dab in the middle of a course of prednisone. Which brings with it lots of fun things like the ability to eat two sonic burgers, tots, half a bag of rice krispie treats, half a bag of salt and vinegar potato chips, a bowl of soup and cornbread and 8 funsize packs of m&ms and still be hungry. Fun times
It also wreaks havoc on my already sometimes fragile emotions which yes makes me a joy to live with. Add to that ELlie has a UTI and she went out to the bathroom no less than 30 times yesterday
Anyway I had a huge thing happen over the weekend. Maybe it was the house full of noise and workers as the kitchen was being redone(like 8am to 5pm!) or perhaps it was the codeine high or maybe 2 trips to home depot in one week was too much fun for me...I don't know but it still amazes me. I stayed by myself for about 2hrs saturday night after it got dark! That has not happened since the rape....2.5 years. It may not happen again but it happened saturday night! I figured 80 pounds of Ellie and a God who's bigger than the boogey man was enough to keep me safe and from freaking out. I've really started trusting God more and yes He is a God of impossibles because I thought I would NEVER stay by myself after dark.
In this 2.5 year journey of healing there has been a lot of tiny steps and some bigger ones but I think this is the biggest by far.
Its what taking hold of the promises of God does in your life. Is it instant? NO! I still have far to go on this journey of healing but man the peace and hope I feel knowing its all in God's hands.
Baby steps.... "The Lord is my strength and my shield"
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Never take for granted!!!
Never take for granted being able to breathe easily and without thought. Or taking an evening walk with your family.
For about the last week I have felt pretty good. Monday and Tuesday I actually got up the energy to take Ellie walking. Of course this required neb treatments before and after and some puffs of proventil during. It was just a short walk.....walked on the dock, sat and rest and enjoyed the view and came back.
So simple but such a big deal to me. Some days getting to the bathroom causes me to gasp for breath and even taking Ellie outside to potty is something my dad has to do. Some days I spend more time hooked to machines than free.
I see so many things people take for granted that don't come easy to me. I haven't been able to run since I was like 15. Due to my heart and lungs my exercise tolerance is very bad. And thanks to worsening lung diease it seems like I spend more time short of breath and gasping for air.
So you see that simple thing of taking the dog for a walk is HUGE for me!
Consider this....I take enzymes to digest my food, metformin to regulate my insulin levels, breathing treatments to open my airways, vest treatments to clear my lungs, anti-depressants to regulate those chemicals, medicine to keep from puking. Meds for pain (tylenol and motrin usually everyday) because something always hurts. And I really should be taking meds to regulate my heartrate but can't tolerate them.
In the fall and winter due to my immune system and lungs if you see me out you will notice I am wearing a mask. Its a choice between never leaving home and wearing a mask and even then my trips out are rather limited during cold and flu season (about 8 years ago I caught the flu despite having a flu shot and ended up with double pneumonia and 104 temp)
All the things your body does on its own. Try making sure you have your pills everytime before you eat. Or making sure you always have an inhaler and epipen with you in case your lungs chose to shut down on you....I'm very sensitive to chemicals...cleaning stuff, perfume, smoke and it takes very little to shut my lungs down. My body has a hard time fighting infections off...a cold could land me in the hospital because of my lungs and immune system
Thats my reality
Trust me don't take simple things for granted. Please. When you count your blessings count being able to take a deep breath and being able to take a walk.
For about the last week I have felt pretty good. Monday and Tuesday I actually got up the energy to take Ellie walking. Of course this required neb treatments before and after and some puffs of proventil during. It was just a short walk.....walked on the dock, sat and rest and enjoyed the view and came back.
So simple but such a big deal to me. Some days getting to the bathroom causes me to gasp for breath and even taking Ellie outside to potty is something my dad has to do. Some days I spend more time hooked to machines than free.
I see so many things people take for granted that don't come easy to me. I haven't been able to run since I was like 15. Due to my heart and lungs my exercise tolerance is very bad. And thanks to worsening lung diease it seems like I spend more time short of breath and gasping for air.
So you see that simple thing of taking the dog for a walk is HUGE for me!
Consider this....I take enzymes to digest my food, metformin to regulate my insulin levels, breathing treatments to open my airways, vest treatments to clear my lungs, anti-depressants to regulate those chemicals, medicine to keep from puking. Meds for pain (tylenol and motrin usually everyday) because something always hurts. And I really should be taking meds to regulate my heartrate but can't tolerate them.
In the fall and winter due to my immune system and lungs if you see me out you will notice I am wearing a mask. Its a choice between never leaving home and wearing a mask and even then my trips out are rather limited during cold and flu season (about 8 years ago I caught the flu despite having a flu shot and ended up with double pneumonia and 104 temp)
All the things your body does on its own. Try making sure you have your pills everytime before you eat. Or making sure you always have an inhaler and epipen with you in case your lungs chose to shut down on you....I'm very sensitive to chemicals...cleaning stuff, perfume, smoke and it takes very little to shut my lungs down. My body has a hard time fighting infections off...a cold could land me in the hospital because of my lungs and immune system
Thats my reality
Trust me don't take simple things for granted. Please. When you count your blessings count being able to take a deep breath and being able to take a walk.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
september 11, 2001
September 11, 2001 brings all kinds of memories and feelings.
I watched Dateline last night and I don't know how anyone could watch that without crying. The stories of mothers. fathers, brothers, sisters, children who went to work like it was a normal day to never again come home. All those lives lost. It hits me especially hard when they talk about the firemen....my dad is a volunteer fireman, my granddad was a fireman for many years and my uncle was one too. So that hits way close to home.
I just can't even imagine. One fireman on dateline described inside the twin towers as "hell" and thats probably about as close to hell as you can get on earth! The story of one man who the second plane was coming directly at him, so close to his office that he could read the writing and numbers on the wings and tail....believe or not that man survived!! The people jumping from windows because that death was better than the death that awaited them in the twin towers.
Everyone knows what they were doing when they heard.
I was 16....homeschooled and not a morning person so I had just gotten up like any other morning and went and found my mom who was watching the today show. Right then the 2nd plane hit...right on TV. For a minute I thought I was having a nightmare.
We're all the way in South Carolina but even so I had an out of town doctor's appointment and there were no cars on the road. At the doctor's office the staff had the radio on listening to the coverage. I remember on TV all the channels including MTV and Nick stopped their broadcasts and showed the live coverage.
At the time I had just been diagnosed as having cystic fibrosis.....we had a name for my issues no longer was it just severe asthma or severe sinus issues or severe reflux or IBS...it was cystic fibrosis. I felt my world was ending when we got the results of the sweat test...no question about it, POSITIVE at over 100. Diagnosis took awhile because my genetics test got lost and we had some bumps in the road. I went from knowing that something bad was wrong but not having a name to knowing I had a fatal genetic disease.
In my own world and mind things were all turned upside down. And on September 11 the whole world really did turn upside down.
It made a big impact on me though as I was dealing with my CF diagnosis.....those people who died...none of them got up that morning thinking this is my last day alive. The majority were healthy people who probably expected many years of life ahead. And they were tragically gone. I realized perhaps in a way I have a gift. I don't know when I will die....none of us do and I know God can throw curveballs but as it stands CF will take my life. I won't die in a burning building alone or on a highjacked airplane. I will die with family around me, with morphine and oxygen to ease my suffering. I will be able to tell my family goodbye. Now I know God throws curveballs but remember the vast majority of people with CF do die from it.
And it made me realize...we should all live as though each day is a precious gift! (and it is!) We should live it to the fullest, making our lives a beautiful song and dance to God. We should always tell our loved ones what they mean to us and how much we love them.
BEcause noone is guaranteed tomorrow or even the next minute...perfectly healthy or terminally ill. Its all in God's hands
I watched Dateline last night and I don't know how anyone could watch that without crying. The stories of mothers. fathers, brothers, sisters, children who went to work like it was a normal day to never again come home. All those lives lost. It hits me especially hard when they talk about the firemen....my dad is a volunteer fireman, my granddad was a fireman for many years and my uncle was one too. So that hits way close to home.
I just can't even imagine. One fireman on dateline described inside the twin towers as "hell" and thats probably about as close to hell as you can get on earth! The story of one man who the second plane was coming directly at him, so close to his office that he could read the writing and numbers on the wings and tail....believe or not that man survived!! The people jumping from windows because that death was better than the death that awaited them in the twin towers.
Everyone knows what they were doing when they heard.
I was 16....homeschooled and not a morning person so I had just gotten up like any other morning and went and found my mom who was watching the today show. Right then the 2nd plane hit...right on TV. For a minute I thought I was having a nightmare.
We're all the way in South Carolina but even so I had an out of town doctor's appointment and there were no cars on the road. At the doctor's office the staff had the radio on listening to the coverage. I remember on TV all the channels including MTV and Nick stopped their broadcasts and showed the live coverage.
At the time I had just been diagnosed as having cystic fibrosis.....we had a name for my issues no longer was it just severe asthma or severe sinus issues or severe reflux or IBS...it was cystic fibrosis. I felt my world was ending when we got the results of the sweat test...no question about it, POSITIVE at over 100. Diagnosis took awhile because my genetics test got lost and we had some bumps in the road. I went from knowing that something bad was wrong but not having a name to knowing I had a fatal genetic disease.
In my own world and mind things were all turned upside down. And on September 11 the whole world really did turn upside down.
It made a big impact on me though as I was dealing with my CF diagnosis.....those people who died...none of them got up that morning thinking this is my last day alive. The majority were healthy people who probably expected many years of life ahead. And they were tragically gone. I realized perhaps in a way I have a gift. I don't know when I will die....none of us do and I know God can throw curveballs but as it stands CF will take my life. I won't die in a burning building alone or on a highjacked airplane. I will die with family around me, with morphine and oxygen to ease my suffering. I will be able to tell my family goodbye. Now I know God throws curveballs but remember the vast majority of people with CF do die from it.
And it made me realize...we should all live as though each day is a precious gift! (and it is!) We should live it to the fullest, making our lives a beautiful song and dance to God. We should always tell our loved ones what they mean to us and how much we love them.
BEcause noone is guaranteed tomorrow or even the next minute...perfectly healthy or terminally ill. Its all in God's hands
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Thursday, September 1, 2011
It gets lonely
When someone is diagnosed with something like cancer that hits out of the blue or has a stroke or a heart attack...people rally. People organize fundraisers, bring meals, send cards, visit etc.
When you have an illness that you were born with and that will never go away people tend to forget about you. People think oh its just her , she's sick again. Or wasn't she just sick?. I'm sick more than I am well so to people its normal for me to be sick.
That doesn't make it easy. You start to feel forgotten. No cards, no emails, no visits, noone asking how you are. Because being sick has become who you are in the minds of some people.
I can count on one hand the number of visitors I had last time I was in the hospital. I can count on one hand the number or cards or phone calls I have gotten in the last year.
I think also when you have a disease thats known as fatal....it scares people off. Yes we are all going to die but you've been labeled as having a fatal or terminal illness...it scares people. They don't want to befriend someone who is in all likelyhood going to die from their illness. All it takes with CF is one bad infection...one nasty bug like cepacia, one episode of pneumonia that doesn't respond. It starts affecting other organs like the heart and liver. And it scares people. We as a society run from death.
I am very fortunate to have a wonderful family and some great close friends. I can't tell you how much my family means to me in the fight against CF.
But I know some people with CF that don't have that support system...they are truly fighting all alone.
When you have an illness that you were born with and that will never go away people tend to forget about you. People think oh its just her , she's sick again. Or wasn't she just sick?. I'm sick more than I am well so to people its normal for me to be sick.
That doesn't make it easy. You start to feel forgotten. No cards, no emails, no visits, noone asking how you are. Because being sick has become who you are in the minds of some people.
I can count on one hand the number of visitors I had last time I was in the hospital. I can count on one hand the number or cards or phone calls I have gotten in the last year.
I think also when you have a disease thats known as fatal....it scares people off. Yes we are all going to die but you've been labeled as having a fatal or terminal illness...it scares people. They don't want to befriend someone who is in all likelyhood going to die from their illness. All it takes with CF is one bad infection...one nasty bug like cepacia, one episode of pneumonia that doesn't respond. It starts affecting other organs like the heart and liver. And it scares people. We as a society run from death.
I am very fortunate to have a wonderful family and some great close friends. I can't tell you how much my family means to me in the fight against CF.
But I know some people with CF that don't have that support system...they are truly fighting all alone.
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