rambles

Yep lots of new blogs for me this week. You know what this usually means....I'm sick and on every 4 treatments and since my vest machine is right beside my desk...well I blog while I shake. Prayers for me as I go back to the doctor friday and that I get the okay to wean off of steroids. This infection has hit me hard...after a week of severe unrelenting migraines (we think the migraines which kept me in bed drugged up and not moving around and doing the treatments I need to do started this..happened the last time after a bad migraine episode too)

So today I was thinking...I ask for forgiveness from God. I know He puts our sins as far as the east is from the west. I know what the Bible says. But do I really accept His forgiveness? Do I really believe that He forgives me? Or do I think that I'm so bad that He can't forgive me (which really is really illogical if you think about it....I think that the God who made me can't forgive me??) I think really too forgiveness is not about us...its about God

My parents never really had to punish me when I was growing up. If I messed up I punished myself more than they ever could. I would beat myself up over and over again and obsess about it. I have always had guilt issues..I now realize that this guilt is just ME...that I'm only guilty in my eyes. I'm my worst critic

Unfortunatly that didnt bode well for me as I entered the teenage years where self harm took over and I was convinced I would never be good enough...for God, myself or anyone. Believe or not what started as self punishment soon became soothing. I know how can hurting yourself be soothing? Did you know that cutting actually releases brain chemicals that do in fact soothe. So yes self harming does make you feel better. It really gives you a "high". But then you come back to reality and see what you did and any relief you had is gone.

I don't talk about that part of my past much. I haven't cut in 3 years. Before that it was several years since I had done it. The attack triggered the cutting episode 3 years ago and I did it once and saw that wasn't how I wanted to deal with it, that I had grown a lot as a person and so had my coping mechanisms

What brought it up is that I happened to notice one of my more prominent scars yesterday. Most of my scars are on my upper left arm and unless I'm wearing a swim suit or tank top you cant see them. I do have a few on my low arm and wrist. And that got me thinking about my journey.

Which got me thinking about guilt and forgiveness and the scars we bear

I realized something else that really impacted me. When Jesus was ressurected...He came back to life WITH His scars. He was Jesus! He could have come back perfectly! He didn't though. He came back bearing His scars.

Like Jesus I bear my scars as a sign of the battles I have fought and overcome (just like Jesus has overcome death...I've overcome my demons). I don't know what perfection will look like in heaven...will we still have scars and and freckles and the things that make us US?

Because really as much I as I dislike my scars....they are a part of my story. They are a part of my battle. They are a symbol that I have overcome. And to others and myself may they be scars of hope. That though many times I felt hopeless that I overcame and so can anyone!

Okay this is really rambling and all over the place.

Back to forgiveness...How can I forgive others if I can't forgive myself? How can I expect others to accept my forgivness if I can't accept God can forgive me? Nowhere in the bible is "bekah" listed as an exclusion to Gods forgiveness. Its available to everyone. THis includes murderers and rapists...something I have struggled with accepting but thats another blog post

Someone once equated forgiveness with letting go and thats what it is. We can never forget the things that happen to us. But we can let go and forgive and therefore we are loosened from those chains. We will always be connected to those who hurt us if we don't forgive...