3 years....

March 14th will be 3 years since the rape. So I figured I'd do a where I've been and where I'm going 3 year post. Cause right now I'm just feeling uncreative

3 years. Its a long time! Unfortunatly sometimes it seems just like yesterday. This time every year I start having major issues. I start having thoughts of hurting myself...which thanks to lots of therapy I have the self control not to do and better coping skills. However it manifests in other ways...not sleeping, being irritable, eating too much or too little, not wanting to get out of bed, crying all the time, anger issues, not wanting to go crowded places, anxiety and panic attacks, not wanting to be alone. Yep that describes me right now. Thanks to some med changes, the wonders of xanax and ambien things are a little better. *note to self NEVER take lunesta again!*

Of course God always comes through and He has blessed with a now 15 pound, 9 week old Abby :-) So I have to get out of bed (see how sneaky God can be?) and outside and have to be active. She's given me something to hold on to and something to wake up to each morning

3 years is not long enough in my opinion. Not long enough to heal, especially not long enough to forget (which I don't think you ever do). But looking back I can see some positive changes. I have stayed by myself at night. I have become more comfortable when I am out in public no longer reduced to sitting on the bench in walmart in tears on the phone with my mom (just a few weeks after the rape). I no longer live in fear of the guy who did it. I refuse to give control to him

I've proved myself to be stronger than I ever thought I could be. I think most of that strength comes from faith and hope. I've proved myself to be a fighter. I've proved myself not to be a quitter.

Will I ever totally get over it? Who knows. Will I ever totally get off of meds and be able to live a depression/anxiety/PTSD life? I don't know. If not I'll make the best of what I have.

What I have found is the healing journey is not a straight road. There are curves, wrong turns, dead ends and misread signs. Sometimes its 2 steps forward, 3 back. Sometimes its the reverse. But its not a straight road. I have also found everything worth it in this life requires effort! I get nowhere by not trying. I'd rather fail and end up 3 steps back than to never try