tough times...

I keep telling myself to just keep swimming. things have to get better sooner or later right?

Its been a really tough time lately. At first I figured it was stress as my dad has been having major health issues and we just added a new puppy to the family (who doesn't like to sleep!)

But then I started having THOSE thoughts. The thoughts of hurting myself. I knew then it was time to seek help so I went to the doctor to get my meds adjusted and to get something to help me sleep.

March 14th will be 3 years since the rape. I know thats not helping things. Infact its probably the cause of 75% of my problems.

I've started not sleeping again. Nightmares abound. Tried ambien and now lunesta. Did finally sleep with the lunesta. I won't even list all the drugs its taking to keep me just doing ok

I know if (when) I make it through the next few weeks things will drastically improve (hopefully).

So no right now I'm not okay. Its a day to day...sometimes hour to hour or minute to minute thing.

I will say thanks to my wonderful therapist and all those years of therapy that I do have the self control and coping skills to not give into the thoughts of hurting myself

So thats why I haven't blogged lately. I'm still alive...but its taking everything I have to keep going

I keep telling myself I cant control what happened to me but I can decide to fight and not let it ruin my life. I believe that is the greatest revenge of all!