and life goes on

Maybe I was naive. Maybe I was just plain stupid or maybe I was just kidding myself I imagined after this hospitalization that I would come home perfectly controlled on meds and that my life would get right back to normal.

I didn't know it was to be a struggle of finding the right doseages, a neverending cycle of appointments with a psychiatrist, therapist and rape recovery counselor. I didn't know it was going to be a hard adjustment coming from a structured hospital setting to a self admitted unstructured family life. I didn't know I wasn't going to be as good as new. Nope that was just the start of this journey

 Tuesday I turn 27 and this is the first year I have not been excited over my birthday. Yes I like my two pairs of converse, lounge chair and two DSi games (and yes that was really my wish list). Yes I will eat cake (yes I will get excited over cake :-). But am I excited? No. I just cannot work up much enthusiasm over

There are three times in my life that I would say have been the hardest ever. 1) the rape, 2) being diagnosed with cystic fibrosis and hearing the words "fatal" 3) these last few months.

We got more bad news a few weeks ago. I had a severe asthma attack and had to have a steroid shot and was put on prednisone. Had what the psych called a severe manic episode on them and we are having to search high and low for an alternative. My lungs need them but my brain can't handle them putting us in a very hard place. Just what I needed

I guess like it or not Life goes on I do know God must have some awesome plans for my life as many times as I've come close to not only dying but to taking my own life. I take no credit for still being here...its all God!

 I know this post is brutally honest and maybe theres a reason for that. I think a lot people thought like I did. That this hospital stay "cured" me or that I came home a new person. I wish, I really wish but alas that was just the start of the journey For now I am seeing psychiatrist every 4 weeks, rape counselor and therapist once a week. Lots of appointments for lungs too to see what plan we can come up with that does not involve steroids. We're also working on making my days more structured and consistent

Life goes on....