Hope

Its hard to believe 7 years ago I graduated from high school. And got the best present...my dusty cat.

Its even harder to believe that 8 years ago I didn't even care if I lived. I was so depressed etc that I didn't even want to live. Since about age 13 I had been a "cutter"....I still bear those scars. I am glad to see that self injury gets more awareness now though its still highly misunderstood. I wasn't trying to kill myself....I just was so angry and had so much pain that I didn't know what to do with it. I was used to dealing with physical pain so it seemed easier to put my emotional pain into physical pain.

I look at my arms today and wonder what the heck was I thinking and how the heck am I still here. I do know the answer to the last question...GOD! There were times I was so low that the only explanation I have for not going through with suicide was God...He wasn't through with me! Anytime I ever doubt that God carries me in His arms everyday as it says in Psalms...I just remember those times

It would be far easier to remain quiet about my past....I am not proud of it. And there is A LOT that I don't share. But I share what I do to give others hope. Self Injury is something that only a very small percent of people are able to fully overcome. I have not cut in years...I have overcome it! Only by the grace of God.

God blessed me with an excellent Christian counselor who I saw for 6 years. He pointed me to God and told me how much God loves me and that He has great plans for me. Had I heard those things before? Yes...but not in the context of me personally....the generic "God loves you...Jesus loves you.

God has blessed me with doctors who have gotten my med combo perfect...though meds don't help with everything that I am dealing with. God has blessed me with a wonderful mom who drove me 2 hours each way to therapy and has held me in my darkest moments.

Today I look at my life and no, its not perfect. But its my life and I am learning to love it. Most importantly I love God and am learning to see myself as He sees me. I hated myself before...absolutely hated myself. Now I see that I am wonderfully and uniquely made.

The rape ripped everything open again but through the grace of God...I made it! I will admit that after about 3 years of not cutting that I slipped only a time or two which didn't surprise anyone after such a huge trauma. But I didn't fall back into it!

In the two years since the rape God has brought me so far. Its no longer so vivid that it seems like its happening now. I have come to understand even more God's love and grace. Have I forgiven the guy who did it to me? No not fully. Am I closer to it than 2 years ago? YES.

I have learned to take my eyes off my problems and put them on Jesus...thats when wonderful things and when healing occurs.

I put myself out there to give others hope. A troubled teen who didn't want to live and was dealing with finding out she had a fatal illness after being sick all her life to a young woman embracing God even after rape and who now sees her fatal illness as a blessing. THERE IS HOPE!

This is not even 10% of my story and like I say....theres a lot thats between me and God (and my old therapist). There is a lot I dont share...I believe some things just are better that way. Maybe one day.