God, Cats and Angels

Yeah I know how are those 3 things related?

Lets go back a few years, before Dusty. I found a stray kitten..she was a tortoise shell, long haired and just gorgeous. So sweet. THE most loving cat I have ever met. There was truly something special about her. And I found her at a really rough time for me. I started calling her my angel and I still think she might have been one..she was surely sent by God! Some really strange things happened...another cat that would come up and sit with pumpkin but after pumpkin was killed we never saw the other cat again

Anyway poor Pumpkin got hit by a car. I know, I know angels don't die but still the angel could have taken the form of a cat and left before Pumpkin got hit..making it just a regular kitty who died. Or thats my theory

I love my Dusty kitty but Pumpkin was the most unusual cat I have ever met. Even everyone at the vet's office agreed to that

Back to the present. I have been feeling really lonely lately and obviously having a hard time with everything that has happened.

I happened to look out my window today and saw a cat that looked just like pumpkin sitting on a brick wall. I went to take some food out to the kitty. The cat even had the same markings on her face. And she dissapeared just as mysteriously as she appeared

I fully believe that was God's way of telling me He is with me and He loves...that I'm not alone ad that I'm His precious child. No doubt that was a message from Him. A way of telling me things will be okay

seeing that cat sent shivers down my spine!

ramblings

So this is probably going to be all rambling and random....



I know some of you are wondering why I have blog for something so personal. I was thinking about that today. I think the longer one keeps silent...the worse one feels. The worse the stigma is. I can't fight back in many ways but I can fight back with my words. Silence and secrets hold an enormous amount of power of us and I fully believe sometimes the best thing we can do is talk, to bring things...especially "taboo" things out into the open. So this blog is my way of fighting back , of taking control.

I will freely admit that I still struggle a lot. Everyday its a conscious decision to give it over to God or to bask in self pity and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Its not easy and I can't say I always make the right choices. Its getting up in the morning and saying Lord help me, I'm yours...I can't do it without you

There was a long time..several months that I wished the guy had just killed me. So that I wouldn't have to deal with the aftermath. It wasn't Lord help me..it was Lord why am I still alive? In my mind not being killed was the worst outcome...dying would have been preferable to living and dealing with the aftermath.

It takes a lot of trust to be able to turn everything totally over to God and I can't say that I'm all the way there yet but I think He understands

I think self loathing is one of the worst things that rape causes. A Self hate that is deeper than anything I have experienced before. There were days I couldn't force myself to look in the mirror or brush my hair or put anything other than baggy pants and too big t shirt on. I was just sure I had a scarlet R on my forehead. I just knew everyone could look at me and tell what I was...tell what had happened.

I'm just starting to see myself in a much better light., starting to see myself as a dearly loved child of God. And He doesn't make junk right? I still have my days but I keep reminding myself how beautiful and precious I am to Him

Forgiveness

I think its probably an understatement to say that I've been angry over what happened. I've fought unctrollable anger..at what happened, at the person who did and even at myself for not fighting harder. Somehow I blamed myself for not fighting to the death for awhile believed because I didn't..because I chose to do whatever I had to survive...that I was guilty. For awhile I even blamed God, rationalizing that He had the power to stop it, prvent it etc.

I've since learned more about God and realize we aren't puppets on a string and if He interfered with everything ...stopped everything bad..that we would be nothing more than puppets. He never promised we wouldn't have troubles....He did promise he would always be with us and despite what happened I can see a number of ways that He was indeed with me.

I've also slowly been dealing with the anger towards myself and learning to be more gentle with myself. I did what I had to do to survive and I'm still fighting to survive. I think most people in my situation would have done teh same thing. The blame lays soley with t he rapist.

The rapist...I've been working on forgiving him. Realizing that forgiveness doesn't mean that what he did was okay...it just means I am freeing myself from the hold he has on me. I look to the Amish who were able to forgive the man who killed those girls at the one room school...a large number of Amish even attended his funeral to support his family! Forgiveness is saying its your problem...its putting the shame, the guilt and everything else on him. Its doing as Jesus commands us....His words on the cross of "Father forgive them for they know not what they do" should be the model for all of us. Forgiveness is freeing me. Its realizing I didn't deserve to have Jesus die for me, I didn't deserve to be forgiven but He forgave me. my rapist doesn't deserve to be forgiven but thats what i am working towards.

Does anybody hear her?

Forgive me and my feverish brain if this doesn't make much sense. What really brought this post to mind is the casting crowns song "does anybody hear her"

She is running .A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction. She is trying but the canyon's ever widening. In the depths of her cold heart. So she sets out on another misadventure just to find.She's another two years older.And she's three more steps behind.Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?Or does anybody even know she's going down today?Under the shadow of our steeple.With all the lost and lonely people. Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me

http://www.elyrics.net/read/c/casting-crowns-lyrics/does-anybody-hear-her-lyrics.html

First this was to be a post on loneliness as well thats what I've been feeling a lot lately. And then this song popped into my head and here it is.

I have often in the last months felt that noone hears or sees me or cares. I know thats not true and I know that often when faced with someone who been through something bad that it can be awkward...you don't know what to do.

I do know that what I have been through has brought me closer to some people and yet has distanced me from others who just really don't know how or to want to be around me. And I have felt incredibly lonely like noone could understand and truly it is hard for people to understand unless you've BTDT. I've dealt with some well meaning people who just made things 10x worse. I've heard "can't you just get over it" more than I care to admit. I've had people ask me point blank "was it consensual" (no you idiot I just called it rape for fun)...I've had people assume because I chose not to press charges that I was lying (no but I know what I can physically and emotionally handle and all I wanted was to try and get on with a normal life and not have that nightmare drag on...which I realize normal or what I thought was normal is gone but still...I disgress)

I've felt like a freak. I've been so lonely it hurts. But at the same time I didn't want someone being around me just because they felt sorry for me.

In doing some Bible reading I have to wonder how Jesus felt sometimes. His siblings thought he was a liar, people thought he was crazy, His own disciples at times doubted Him and one fo them betrayed Him/ He was perfectly innocent and yet was crucifed with killers. I know Jesus was God and never sinned but He was also human and I imagine felt very human emotions. So when we feel so lonely...our God truly understands for Jesus walked in our shoes, He felt human emotions...to me that is a great comfort.

I've also discovered that I have grown sensitive to other hurting people. Seeing someone else with similar hurts or very different hurts breaks my heart. I feel a kinship with them. I have become much more passionate about hurting people and drawn to those that might otherwise not be heard or seen.

So while its been a very difficult journey I see two things that have come out of my loneliness...That would be a new found deeper relationship with Jesus and a deeper faith and also a new and deeper compassion for hurting people.

ramblings

So its been awhile since I have written anything...I just really haven't had anything to say and what I have had to say I haven;t been able to express quite like I wanted

But then I got a haircut today and that brought back a flood of memories. Before the assault I had long curly hair...it was half way down my back and pretty much my signature. The day after the assault I had it almost all cut off. In a small way I was trying to take away my identity..first of all because I was afraid it somehow made me recognizable to my attacker and second because I was doing whatever I could to not be me..to make myself someone else.

Anyway my hair was starting to get longer and a little too mullet like so I Had it cut off back to right under my ears. I don't when I will ever let it get really long again or if I ever will. To me that is associated with the attack and I don't know if I could have really long hair without thinking about it.

I guess my hair is a symbol of the new bekah and I don't know. I've been thinking a lot about identity lately. I know God made me special unique...Psalms 139 and all of that. But I don't want to special and unique! I want to blend in. And then well I don't feel special. I don't feel worth it. I don't feel beautiful. I feel damaged. Damaged goods.

why?

I've been thinking. Lately I have been on a reading kick especially memoirs of other rape victims...

Problem? The entire local library system has 3 such books.....After Silence, Lucky and I'm the central park jogger. All the other libraries in the regional system don't fair any better.

I even went to what would be the biggest books a million around here. I could find not one of the books I was looking for. They did have the rape survival guide and several books geared towards child abuse.

Why is books a million had more books on erectile dysfunction than rape?

Even better try finding a book about Christian rape survivors...apparently its a taboo subject.

Why? Rape isn't about sex. Its violence...a crime. I saw numerous books geared towards domestic abuse survivors, familes who have had a loved one murdered, drunk driving accident victims.

Is it that rape survivors are too afraid to speak up? That wouldn't surprise me considered the its the most under reported crime, the one where the victim is most likely to carry the guilt and shame and the one with the worst conviction rate as it often turns into she said/he said.

Is it considered too taboo? Too scary?

I can understand its not something the average person would want to read about but when you've been there...you just want to not feel alone be it through reading someone elses story, hearing it etc. Because I do feel isolated, alienated and all alone. I do feel like people wonder why I didn't fight harder etc. I did what I had to do to survive....thats all there is. To fight would have meant to die.

Fear(less)

So I've been reading Max Lucado's new book "Fearless". Perfect timing as I am getting ready to face one of my biggest fears...or atleast it has been my biggest fear wsince the assault.

According to Lucado Fear not and its deriatives are the most common words of Jesus. Atleast they are his common command...125 times in the gospels Jesus tells us "not be afraid", "have courage" or "take heart". Compare that with the 2nd most to love God and our nieghbor which is only mentioned 8 times.

I've spent a lot time being afraid lately. Being anxious and worrying..tomorrow I will face one of my big fears and the only thing to do is trust God. "For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear, I will help you"

I holding my hand out in the dark for Him to take hold of, trusting He will hold it and walk me through the next few days.

We all fear sometimes, we wouldn't be human if we didn't. Its whether we let that fear hold us back or whether we grab a hold or God and reach out to Him that matters. "Courage is fear that has said its prayers"

Thats a lesson I really need to remember as fear has overtaken me since march. Fear of being alone, Fear of leaving the house, Fear of the guy who attacked me, Fear of others like him.

Am I ready to become fear(less)? I'm trying, trying, trying. I'm reaching out to God and praying for my fear to become courage. Living in fear only empowers those who have hurt me