Prozac day 2

So its day two...so far things have not been worse and no mood swings. YAY. Atleast if those do come the doctor did prepare me for it.

I've felt a little funky in the head but hey whats new. I actually got dressed, did my hair and went shopping today. I did have this strange want to buy funky color hair dye in Sally's and dye my hair...I resisted but hey maybe I should have done it and blamed it on the med change. I guess if thats the weirdest thing and worst thing I've wanted to do

Other than being sleepy and having a little headache things are going fairly well. I'm still rather down but I'm determined to push myself to do more than lie in bed and stare at the ceiling like I have been doing. I know all that inactivity isn't good for more lungs. I don't how much those good intentions are going to do me but hey I did go shopping (retail therapy!) and am going to try to make myself go swimming tomorrow even if all I do is float on a noodle.

Holding onto God tighter than ever right now and even in the midst of all this realize I have lots to thank God for and am indeed blessed

So not a good start to the week

So its been a rough month, getting progressively rougher as time goes on. Decided to suck it up and go to the doc today. Turns out my Celexa is giving out on me so I start Prozac tomorrow/ I am hoping it works...I've been on prozac with good results before though I have been warned that things will suck until the prozac really kicks in

If you never experienced mental illness then count yourself lucky. If you have then I know you can relate. It had gotten to the point I didn't want to move...just lay in the bed and stare at the ceiling. Just totally hopeless feeling. I've had many many diagnoses ranging fromPTSD to clinical depression to generalized anxiety to social anxiety and more.

Believe me if I had a choice of being free of CF or being free of mental/emotional illness I would choose the emotional illness to get rid of

I know God is holding me and I know He is there. I'm trying to trust Him and hold on to that. "That the hands that made the world are holding me". Its hard though...its hard not to give up. I know God has plans for me and isn't through with me yet but sometimes in the midst of struggling I can't fathom how anything good could come from the struggles

What does it take to fight CF?

Or alteast what does it take to keep the beast at bay? Cystic Fibrosis really is a high maintenance disease.

I do atleast 4 nebulizer treatments a day (albuterol and Hypertonic saline 2x a day), 30 minutes of the Vest 2x a day and sometimes follow that up with 10 minutes of the Acapella , 2 puffs of Symbicort 2x a day. Ventolin inhaler as needed through the day/night, nasonex 1x a day and sinus washes twice a day. This is the bare minimum. I've spent most of the winter with the vest and nebulizer treatments 4x a day and added meds to the neb treatments

In addition I take atleast two pills every time I eat, vitamins, calcium (at just 16 my bones were borderline osteoporosis), protonix etc.

Its not just the meds and therapy that keep the monster at bay. Its also a healthy dose of optimism, determination, faith and lots of prayer...both mine and those of others! Its living everyday to the fullest and savoring the healthy days and pushing through the not so healthy. Its having trust in the doctors. Its knowing that God is with me every step of the way

THATS what it takes to fight CF

feelings lie

So today has been a "blah" day today....its 6:30 and all I want to do is crawl into bed

Its days like today I try to remember feelings vs truth (and a big thanks to the awesome randy hiatt for this lesson...one of the many things I learned during therapy with him)

Even if I feel like God doesn't love me, like the whole world is against me and everyone hates me....feeling those things doesn't make them true. Its time like this that you have to fall back onto knowledge. I know God loves me, I know he fearfully and wonderfully made me and that all things work together for good for those that know him. I know these things because the Bible tells me these things and I believe the Bible is THE word of God.

I know the world isn't against me and noone hates me because I can look at all the support...the notes, emails and facebook comments and see that I am very much loved and supported

Emotions are fickle...ask any teenage girl or pmsing woman! THey change frequently. We have to build our lives on what we know to be true and not what we feel. This is especially true I have found with God...because we won't always have those fuzzy God loves emotions. Things will be tough, we will sometimes feel like he has left us...thats when we rely on what we know and we know He never leaves us

A conversation you don't hear everyday...

This was in Walgreens....in the hair dye aisle

Me: Do you think I'd look good as a redhead?

My mom: Why would you want to dye your hair?

Me: Midlife crisis

My mom: You're just turning 25, a little young for a midlife crisis

me: Yeah but I might not live long enough to have one when I'm supposed to I'm having one now..and being optimistic that 25 is my midlife and I'll see 50. Besides it would be awful to die without a midlife crisis and I want to make sure I get one

my mom: okay so we'll have mother/daughter midlife crisises now

Yes we're weird and I know other CF families reading this will appreciate it most. I can only imagine what others in walgreens thought. for what its worth my hair is still brown. I think red is too tame for me...maybe blue or purple

A year has now passed...ramblings

I think we all know evil exists. Even kids. I can still vividly remember being terrified in the early 90s watching the news when the "lowcountry serial rapist"(duncan proctor) was on the prowl. Heck I can remember when he was caught and how relieved I was. I was only 5-7 years old when he was terrorizing Charleston (over an hour away from my sleepy little town). I sure didn't know what a rapist was but I knew he was an evil man. Sure that was again brought up as I watched the oklahoma city bombings, columbine and 9/11.

But there is a HUGE difference in knowing evil exists and meeting it first hand. Its terrible hearing evil on the news or to hear other people talk about it...its another when the evil happens to you. When for a while you are staring into the eyes of the closest thing to a devil you will see on earth.

A year passed March 14 since the assault. How I wish I was still that 7 year old who didn't know what a rapist was! March 14 brought lots of memories, feelings and the need for xanax. It amazes me (in a bad way!) how much the body as well as the mind remembers

I wish I could say that I trust in God and therefore everything is okay. I do trust in God...I'm holding tight to Him but I've realized that just means he gives the courage and strength to get through the hard stuff not that he takes it away so we never face anything tough. And maybe its during those tough times we realize He is our everything and learn to hold on tight.

I never want to be a victim, I'm getting sick of being a survivor...I just want to be who I was before. And I will never be her again...I'm coming to terms with that. I'm trying to find the new me and I guess like it or not the new me is a rape survivor

So....

I've been at a loss for words lately...very unusual for me.

As the one year anniversary of the attack is getting closer , I have started thinking about the journey of the last year. I found an Abraham Lincoln quote that I hope describes it..."I may walk slowly but I never walk backwards". While sometimes I have walked extremely slow on this healing journey and sometimes have stalled, I hope that I never walked backwards.

Sometimes I doubt that. As it comes upon one year I find myself once again uncomfortable being alone, uncomfortable outside unless Ellie is with me, uncomfortable in the dark and 100% unwilling to be alone at night. Some of these throughout the year had gotten better but as the 1 year mark looms they have come back. I don't think the mind or body ever forgets the day and I tend to think my body is reacting to that. Sounds funny but it really goes with whats been going on over the last few weeks

Oddly enough I have found myself unable to write, journal etc. I just can't find words to describe what is going on inside me

Do i wish what happened had not happened? YES! Do I see that its shaping me into who I am going to be and has helped me develop not only myself but has drawn me closer to God
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I am reading Joni Eareckson Tada's latest book and one chapter on prayer stood out and that was about how God understands when we just cannot pray, when we cannot find the words...when our prayers are limited to "help me God". That He understands, that He listens, he reads between the lines. Such a comfort to me in times like this last week or so when try as I might no prayer or atleast understandable prayer would come out...God knows what I meant, He knows I was trying\

As these weeks go by and March 14th comes..pray for me. For strength. For my anxiety to lessen. For me to face the day head on and well just pray