ramblings

So this is probably going to be all rambling and random....



I know some of you are wondering why I have blog for something so personal. I was thinking about that today. I think the longer one keeps silent...the worse one feels. The worse the stigma is. I can't fight back in many ways but I can fight back with my words. Silence and secrets hold an enormous amount of power of us and I fully believe sometimes the best thing we can do is talk, to bring things...especially "taboo" things out into the open. So this blog is my way of fighting back , of taking control.

I will freely admit that I still struggle a lot. Everyday its a conscious decision to give it over to God or to bask in self pity and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Its not easy and I can't say I always make the right choices. Its getting up in the morning and saying Lord help me, I'm yours...I can't do it without you

There was a long time..several months that I wished the guy had just killed me. So that I wouldn't have to deal with the aftermath. It wasn't Lord help me..it was Lord why am I still alive? In my mind not being killed was the worst outcome...dying would have been preferable to living and dealing with the aftermath.

It takes a lot of trust to be able to turn everything totally over to God and I can't say that I'm all the way there yet but I think He understands

I think self loathing is one of the worst things that rape causes. A Self hate that is deeper than anything I have experienced before. There were days I couldn't force myself to look in the mirror or brush my hair or put anything other than baggy pants and too big t shirt on. I was just sure I had a scarlet R on my forehead. I just knew everyone could look at me and tell what I was...tell what had happened.

I'm just starting to see myself in a much better light., starting to see myself as a dearly loved child of God. And He doesn't make junk right? I still have my days but I keep reminding myself how beautiful and precious I am to Him

Forgiveness

I think its probably an understatement to say that I've been angry over what happened. I've fought unctrollable anger..at what happened, at the person who did and even at myself for not fighting harder. Somehow I blamed myself for not fighting to the death for awhile believed because I didn't..because I chose to do whatever I had to survive...that I was guilty. For awhile I even blamed God, rationalizing that He had the power to stop it, prvent it etc.

I've since learned more about God and realize we aren't puppets on a string and if He interfered with everything ...stopped everything bad..that we would be nothing more than puppets. He never promised we wouldn't have troubles....He did promise he would always be with us and despite what happened I can see a number of ways that He was indeed with me.

I've also slowly been dealing with the anger towards myself and learning to be more gentle with myself. I did what I had to do to survive and I'm still fighting to survive. I think most people in my situation would have done teh same thing. The blame lays soley with t he rapist.

The rapist...I've been working on forgiving him. Realizing that forgiveness doesn't mean that what he did was okay...it just means I am freeing myself from the hold he has on me. I look to the Amish who were able to forgive the man who killed those girls at the one room school...a large number of Amish even attended his funeral to support his family! Forgiveness is saying its your problem...its putting the shame, the guilt and everything else on him. Its doing as Jesus commands us....His words on the cross of "Father forgive them for they know not what they do" should be the model for all of us. Forgiveness is freeing me. Its realizing I didn't deserve to have Jesus die for me, I didn't deserve to be forgiven but He forgave me. my rapist doesn't deserve to be forgiven but thats what i am working towards.

Does anybody hear her?

Forgive me and my feverish brain if this doesn't make much sense. What really brought this post to mind is the casting crowns song "does anybody hear her"

She is running .A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction. She is trying but the canyon's ever widening. In the depths of her cold heart. So she sets out on another misadventure just to find.She's another two years older.And she's three more steps behind.Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?Or does anybody even know she's going down today?Under the shadow of our steeple.With all the lost and lonely people. Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me

http://www.elyrics.net/read/c/casting-crowns-lyrics/does-anybody-hear-her-lyrics.html

First this was to be a post on loneliness as well thats what I've been feeling a lot lately. And then this song popped into my head and here it is.

I have often in the last months felt that noone hears or sees me or cares. I know thats not true and I know that often when faced with someone who been through something bad that it can be awkward...you don't know what to do.

I do know that what I have been through has brought me closer to some people and yet has distanced me from others who just really don't know how or to want to be around me. And I have felt incredibly lonely like noone could understand and truly it is hard for people to understand unless you've BTDT. I've dealt with some well meaning people who just made things 10x worse. I've heard "can't you just get over it" more than I care to admit. I've had people ask me point blank "was it consensual" (no you idiot I just called it rape for fun)...I've had people assume because I chose not to press charges that I was lying (no but I know what I can physically and emotionally handle and all I wanted was to try and get on with a normal life and not have that nightmare drag on...which I realize normal or what I thought was normal is gone but still...I disgress)

I've felt like a freak. I've been so lonely it hurts. But at the same time I didn't want someone being around me just because they felt sorry for me.

In doing some Bible reading I have to wonder how Jesus felt sometimes. His siblings thought he was a liar, people thought he was crazy, His own disciples at times doubted Him and one fo them betrayed Him/ He was perfectly innocent and yet was crucifed with killers. I know Jesus was God and never sinned but He was also human and I imagine felt very human emotions. So when we feel so lonely...our God truly understands for Jesus walked in our shoes, He felt human emotions...to me that is a great comfort.

I've also discovered that I have grown sensitive to other hurting people. Seeing someone else with similar hurts or very different hurts breaks my heart. I feel a kinship with them. I have become much more passionate about hurting people and drawn to those that might otherwise not be heard or seen.

So while its been a very difficult journey I see two things that have come out of my loneliness...That would be a new found deeper relationship with Jesus and a deeper faith and also a new and deeper compassion for hurting people.

ramblings

So its been awhile since I have written anything...I just really haven't had anything to say and what I have had to say I haven;t been able to express quite like I wanted

But then I got a haircut today and that brought back a flood of memories. Before the assault I had long curly hair...it was half way down my back and pretty much my signature. The day after the assault I had it almost all cut off. In a small way I was trying to take away my identity..first of all because I was afraid it somehow made me recognizable to my attacker and second because I was doing whatever I could to not be me..to make myself someone else.

Anyway my hair was starting to get longer and a little too mullet like so I Had it cut off back to right under my ears. I don't when I will ever let it get really long again or if I ever will. To me that is associated with the attack and I don't know if I could have really long hair without thinking about it.

I guess my hair is a symbol of the new bekah and I don't know. I've been thinking a lot about identity lately. I know God made me special unique...Psalms 139 and all of that. But I don't want to special and unique! I want to blend in. And then well I don't feel special. I don't feel worth it. I don't feel beautiful. I feel damaged. Damaged goods.

why?

I've been thinking. Lately I have been on a reading kick especially memoirs of other rape victims...

Problem? The entire local library system has 3 such books.....After Silence, Lucky and I'm the central park jogger. All the other libraries in the regional system don't fair any better.

I even went to what would be the biggest books a million around here. I could find not one of the books I was looking for. They did have the rape survival guide and several books geared towards child abuse.

Why is books a million had more books on erectile dysfunction than rape?

Even better try finding a book about Christian rape survivors...apparently its a taboo subject.

Why? Rape isn't about sex. Its violence...a crime. I saw numerous books geared towards domestic abuse survivors, familes who have had a loved one murdered, drunk driving accident victims.

Is it that rape survivors are too afraid to speak up? That wouldn't surprise me considered the its the most under reported crime, the one where the victim is most likely to carry the guilt and shame and the one with the worst conviction rate as it often turns into she said/he said.

Is it considered too taboo? Too scary?

I can understand its not something the average person would want to read about but when you've been there...you just want to not feel alone be it through reading someone elses story, hearing it etc. Because I do feel isolated, alienated and all alone. I do feel like people wonder why I didn't fight harder etc. I did what I had to do to survive....thats all there is. To fight would have meant to die.

Fear(less)

So I've been reading Max Lucado's new book "Fearless". Perfect timing as I am getting ready to face one of my biggest fears...or atleast it has been my biggest fear wsince the assault.

According to Lucado Fear not and its deriatives are the most common words of Jesus. Atleast they are his common command...125 times in the gospels Jesus tells us "not be afraid", "have courage" or "take heart". Compare that with the 2nd most to love God and our nieghbor which is only mentioned 8 times.

I've spent a lot time being afraid lately. Being anxious and worrying..tomorrow I will face one of my big fears and the only thing to do is trust God. "For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear, I will help you"

I holding my hand out in the dark for Him to take hold of, trusting He will hold it and walk me through the next few days.

We all fear sometimes, we wouldn't be human if we didn't. Its whether we let that fear hold us back or whether we grab a hold or God and reach out to Him that matters. "Courage is fear that has said its prayers"

Thats a lesson I really need to remember as fear has overtaken me since march. Fear of being alone, Fear of leaving the house, Fear of the guy who attacked me, Fear of others like him.

Am I ready to become fear(less)? I'm trying, trying, trying. I'm reaching out to God and praying for my fear to become courage. Living in fear only empowers those who have hurt me

Butterfly story

I wrote this a good while ago but I think it means even more to me now! So enjoy a blast from the past with my butterfly story

Anyone remember the movie a Bugs Life? Someday I will be a beyootiful butterfly.Really though butterflies start out as an ugly caterpillar that everyone wants to squash, that people are afraid of. Looking at one you would never imagine what this ugly creature could become. The one day it forms a chrysalis. After a period of time a beautiful butterfly comes out. The interesting things are that the butterfly has to break out of the chrysalis by itself. Any help from well meaning humans would be detrimental and even deadly. After breaking out of the chrysalis the wings of the butterfly are wet and have to dry out before the butterfly takes flight for the first time.Maybe it’s just me but I see a lot of my life in the butterfly. Sometimes I feel like the ugly caterpillar. But then I think of God. God can make all things beautiful. But sometimes the process of becoming beautiful isn't easy. Sometimes it takes long periods of solitude with just God, sometimes it involves having to go through some tough stuff and being the only one who can push through it...no one can do it for us and if they could it would be detrimental. And sometimes we try to fly before our wings are ready. Our wings are wet and not ready for flight but being the impatient people we are we try to fly anyway and take a crash landing. If we would wait for God's timing, for our wings to dry then we could soar. And boy oh boy the day we take flight as the beautiful creature God intended for us to be. And like the fact that every caterpillar turns into a butterfly we can all turn into butterflies. God gives us all opportunities to turn into one. Sometimes it takes a lot of pain, a lot of suffering, a lot of hard work and a few crash landingsSo I keep telling myself that one day I will be a beyootiful butterfly

anger and frustration turned into something good

It astonishes me sometimes what anger and frustration can do...or the positive things. I'm all too familiar with the harmful ways of dealing with anger and frustration but now I'm becoming familiar with what one can accomplish when they use that for good.

This blog for example...maybe it will help someone, maybe it will touch someone. But it was a huge step to start it and put myself out there. I've blogged before but never about something so personal and so painful. However it was the anger at the man who hurt me and threatened me if I ever told anyone that eventually pushed me to do the exact opposite and in doing so broke some of those chains.

Physically I have pushed myself harder in the last month than I have in a long time. We joined the local Y..brand new facility with a heated, indoor pool. Now I've been swimming since I was just over a year old. I don't remember ever not being able to swim. But as my lungs have gotten worse obviously I haven't been able to do as much . But I needed a way to physically express that anger and frustration. So I decided to push myself to be able to swim as much as I did as a child. Me with my bad lungs has worked up to swimming laps for 45 minutes with just a 5 minute break once or twice. I've worked up to being able to swim the length of the pool under water without coming up for air....now keep in mind this an Olympic size pool. I've probably pushed myself too hard but its been a Way to take out the anger on the water, to put my energy into

Why is it.........

That sexual assault is still something that seems to brand the victims. Puts a scarlet letter on you.

For example I've been asked was it consensual...umm I just called it rape...what do you think idiot?

Its boggles my mind...do we ask someone who was badly beaten if they consented to the beating? Do we ask a robbery victim if they gave the robber permission. Or why they "let" that robber rob them?

So why is it okay to ask a rape victim? I can excuse it from law enforcement, medical personal responding to a rape...they're doing their jobs. But family? Friends? etc.

I did not ask for it. I did not want it. I did not enjoy it. My life was threatened, getting away would have meant outrunning a vehicle. It does not make me a slut, whore or anyone other than a victim of a horrendous crime.

It does not get me a scarlet letter, it does not make a bad Christian or a sinner. It makes a victim, a survivor of something that I had no control over, that has changed my life forever

And no I can't "get over it". I can't forget it. And I'm not going to stop talking about it because it makes some people uncomfortable. What if it was your wife, daughter, sister, niece or friend? And it might very well be one day

Why is it rape victims get very little support. Noone around them wishes to talk about it. Everyone aroun d me pretends it never happened. That doesn't help. That makes me feel even worse. Would it be different if it had been other crime that I was the victim of?

thanks to...

I just wanted to take a minute to thank some people.........I hear so many bad stories from survivors of sexual assault and while mine was not all good and I did have a few bad encounters with people....for the large part everyone was wonderful

First of all, all the nameless nurses in the ER that night
Dr.Mayeaux the Er doctor who saw me
Officers Steve Church and Jana Grubbs...the two officers who responded to the ER. I had known steve for quite awhile and it was great to have a familar face...he and Jana were both awesome

Dorothy...everyone needs a dorothy! Sorry my dorothy is taken. Seriously though Dorothy is like my second mama and met us at teh ER. She not only comforted me but also my parents.

My parents...how could I forget them? We have had our differences but they came through for me that night!

All the many, many people who have prayed for me and my family.

I know most will never read this but for those that do...THANK YOU! You are/were awesome and I couldn't have made it through those first few hours and days without you

the old me vs the new me

I'll be perfectly honest...I have become the most paranoid, anxious, suspicious person in the world. Don't ever sneak up behind me unless you want your life to flash before your eyes! Everyone I meet, I meet with guarded suspicion. I don't go anywhere alone..for several months I slept with a night light and still do sometimes. I can no longer watch Law and Order SVU, Forensic Files or anything on investigation discovery without a panic attack. I don't even go to get the mail without taking Ellie with me (ellie btw is my golden retriever). I hate the dark. I'm lucky to sleep in my own bed two nights in a row...most often I end up in our extra bedroom which is closeer to my parents room or on the couch with Ellie. I wear baggy clothes trying to hide myself

Some of those might be good....I was way too trusting. Give me a sob story and I would do anything for you. I never really thought anyone would hurt me, violate me because I tend to see the good in everyone and care way more about everyone else than should.

Some aren't so good...at some point I am going to have to face being alone, going outside without Ellie, sleeping in my own bed etc

If someone were to ask me the biggest thing that has changed about me...I would have to say I lost my innocence..my trust. I look at everyone as a possible rapist. Okay not everyone , if I know you I don't think that! But if I pass you on the street, in a store..I wonder.

I also don't do crowds well anymore. I'm afraid I am going to see "HIM". Sometimes I think I do though I can almost bet its my imagination. The wind blows at night and I'm afraid its HIM come back to get me...to kill me.

So the biggest thing in my life right now is FEAR! Sometimes it feels like fear rules my life. Along with nightmares, flashbacks and all that good stuff.

And yes my trust in God suffered too though I regaining that as I see Him as the only one able to bring true healing to my life and to put the pieces back together. I know he works through counselors, medication, friends. And I know one day I will be whole. But for right now, the Rebekah I am is a far cry from the Rebekah I was

All the broken pieces

Heres my current favorite song (beside Broken Hallelujah by Mandisa!). This is All the Broken Pieces by Matthew West


Did you feel, feel it break? From all the weight of your mistake? You never knew how much it cost. Feels like your innocence is lost.So much for the perfect life. So much for the perfect day It's like no matter how you try Perfection's just too far away So lift them up to Me

I can take even your greatest mistake Every scar, every tear, every break And I can turn it in to something more beautiful Than you have ever seen So lift them up to Me

The rest of the lyrics can be found http://www.justsomelyrics.com/1667482/Matthew-West-All-The-Broken-Pieces-Lyrics

But then I think about all those pieces and start thinkinig about how you break a dish and put it back together, its never going to look the same again. I wonder if thats true about people...God can put thos pieces of my life back together but not the same...."something more beautiful that you have ever seen". Looking at my life right now...its hard to believe...As I feel so broken and can't help but think "Boy God's got a lot of cleaning up to do!"

The best way I can desribe it is for me is that being attacked caused a huge break...a huge chunk of me tore away, with that big piece gone the rest of the pieces have nothing to hold thjem together so I've just crumbled.

But right now I'm, holding to the fact that God is gonna make me "something more beautiful than I have ever seen"

pain pain go away

Yeah its been awhile. Ever try tricking yourself into denial...that this thing didn't happen...that part of you isn't missing? That for just a little while you can pretend that you are the person you are before even if deep down you know that isn't true.

What happened took a big chunk of who I am. i am no longer who I was and will never be the same person. Right now I can't stand who I am.

People tell you that they understand....unless they've walked that path of being attacked, of being violated, of trying to find youself because who you were you can never again be....they don;'t understand. And grief can make a person do stupid stuff which I admit lately I have done a lot of.

I've thought about killing myself. Being totally honest and candid here. However that would only be giving in to the man who has already taken so much from me. What better revenge than to fight? To fight for myself.

Who knows maybe when this metamorphis is complete I'll be a beyootiful butterfly. Never hurts to have hope does it?

The attack was horrific but sometimes I think the aftermath is even more so. People have moved on, forgotten what you went through....their lives are normal. The world keeps moving but you are left standing still. You are so desperate that you would do anything to take away the pain...the pain that feels like it will destroy you. The physical bruises and pain of rape go away unfortunatly the emotional ones are so much deeper. No matter how much you want to, you just can't get over it. Hurting yourself, buying things, eating eating and more eating etc...none of that makes it go away...it may temporarily but it comes back and then you are left with the aftermath of those things

In all this I am trying to find God again. TO reach out to Him in this "dark night of my soul". Where I can't see anything, I can't see where I am reching but I am trusting if I reach out my hand, He will find it. See I was mad at God for awhile there. He is God afterall and could have stopped it right? But then what kind of world would it be if we were all puppets on a string. I know God can bring light to the darkest soul and if call out to Him, He will find us. God please find me! Grab my hand don't let go!

If there are any rape survivors out there who read this...I would love to chat and connect. I feel all alone with noone who understands...truly understands. You can reach me at wheezy85@gmail.com